Unplanned baby no. 3...what to do?

[confusedmamaa]

So I've just discovered that I am pregnant with my 3rd baby and I'm confused as what to do. Finically it will be difficult plus having to find a bigger car and I am returning to work in the next month, so then I will have to let them know I will be taking more maternity leave in another 9 months time. We've just got a puppy who at times can be hard work and when it comes to baby's due date I will have a 3yo and a 1yo which seems like a bit of a nightmare. Having another baby just complicates everything we have atm and everything we've got planned for the future. I have made a consultation appointment with a clinic to have a abortion but I feel as if I am disregarding this little being inside me as if it wasn't nothing and maybe we could make things work. My partner has said his with me whatever decision I make and if I choose to keep this baby then we will make it work but I know it's just not as simple as that...so I am lost and emotional as what to do.

Hi OP. Your children are still very young but also it’s a positive as I always think it’s lovely to have children close in age. Would you have enough space in the house for another? Did you feel complete after having your 2nd baby as in you didn’t really want any more or is it just a case of bad timing right now?

You need to keep talking with your dh. Practical things can be sorted out but really figure out how you feel emotionally about this. It’s not easy as your hormones will be all over he place.
It’s fine either way. Some women know abortion is totally the right decision for them and their family, others struggle.
Just keep talking and give yourself a deadline to make the decision.
It’ll be the right one, whatever you decide.

@Backtobasics5

Hi OP. Your children are still very young but also it’s a positive as I always think it’s lovely to have children close in age. Would you have enough space in the house for another? Did you feel complete after having your 2nd baby as in you didn’t really want any more or is it just a case of bad timing right now?

Hi yes I agree having children close together was always the plan but to have 3 close together I can imagine is extremely hard work. We live in a 2 bed house so space would be tight but both my babies are still in our room so I would have to decorate their room if we decide to go forward with the pregnancy. Yes I felt 100% complete with 2 children and there wasn’t even a plan for a 3rd at all. We are in the process of DH having a vasectomy so our current contraception obviously didn’t work and this came out of the blue.

@Charles11

You need to keep talking with your dh. Practical things can be sorted out but really figure out how you feel emotionally about this. It’s not easy as your hormones will be all over he place. It’s fine either way. Some women know abortion is totally the right decision for them and their family, others struggle. Just keep talking and give yourself a deadline to make the decision. It’ll be the right one, whatever you decide.

Like you said my hormones are all over the place, like one moment I’m like yes abortion is right for us as a family but then the next moment I’m crying thinking what if I regret it or think of the person they could be. I just don’t know really.

It sounds really tough. Because your babies are young it’s hard to weigh up if you ever would have a 3rd. You will have to just have a good think and discuss it with your DH. If you decide not to keep the baby you can always try again if you really did want a 3rd!

This happened to me. Timing was completely wrong. Due to get married, renting a small house etc. I always wanted a big family but knew I could not keep the baby at that time.
I had a surgical and the actual procedure was fine. Felt instant relief afterwards. The time leading up to it was the worst.
As a PP has said, you can always try again in the future.
That said, if it’s what you really want deep down, you’ll always find a way to make it work.
We had our 3rd in the end. Oh and number 4 is on the way
Good luck whatever you decide.

Only you can decide OP, but make the decision you know you can live with long term. I think you would regret making a decision based on the next few years, iyswim, as they go so quickly. Good luck xx

There is no right or wrong answer to this and if you do have an abortion you can always consider having a 3rd when your children are a bit older if that is what you want.

I'm currently pregnant with a totally unexpected and unplanned baby (was on the pill). We never wanted a third I was very happy being done at 2. My girls are very close in age (15 month gap) and despite living in a 3 bed house they share a room, although we were discussing splitting them up.

We are not very well off financially, got rid of all our baby stuff, have a very small car, knew the baby would be born with some medical problems that will require a NICU stay and a lot of monitoring during pregnancy. We've had a previous very late miscarriage so however crazy it sounds we felt that we both felt very strongly that we ought to go through with the pregnancy.

I had 3 under 3
My friend had 5 under 5
They are all close to their siblings and entertained each other .
I’ve now gone on to have another 10 years later and it’s hard work having an only
You called the baby a little bean ,I don’t think you really want to have a termination 💐

At one point I had three under 3.5
It is hard going
But think about five years down the line when they will all be at school etc.
Nobody can tell you what to do but I sense there is already a level of understandable attachment which may mean a termination might always haunt you. When I looked at my other two - the third was an enormous shock , I thought I’d had some sort of miscarriage a month earlier turn out not - I couldn’t not continue with their sibling pregnancy.

He has turned out to be the most delightful and wonderful child. Everyone adores him and he lights up a room. I cannot tell you how many times I have cried at the thought that I might have had a termination. He brings me complete joy and he is a joy.

I’m not a pro lifer. Far form it I believe wholeheartedly in a woman’s right to chose.
. But I knew as soon as I had one child I could deep down never go ahead with terminating one do their siblings unless there were medical reasons on one side or another.

All sorts happens in life . Jobs, money, relationships, security, health can come and go. As I look at it the only thing that is a constant in my life is the love I have for my children. That keeps me going.

Good luck with whatever you decide and remember that there is no right or wrong. But think very carefully about which set of consequences you can most deal with.

Just sharing my own experience and hope it helps in some small way.

I had 3 under 4. I know it is very tough but so wonderful in the long run.

I just want to say thank you all for your kind words and advice. Having spent all day in tears every time I had sweet moments with my children, thinking about what this baby could look like and what kind of personality they could have and also a unexpected chat with my mum who doesn't even know of my appointment, I've decided that yes it's going to be hard at first physically, mentally and financially but we're going to keep this baby and take each day at a time. Now I'm living with guilt of even considering having a abortion and that maybe my karma will be that I miscarriage and that the baby thinks they are not wanted. Pft hormones I wish you all the best and thank you again X

I’m glad you have made peace with your decision.
If it helps I’ll share my experience.
Two years ago I found myself pregnant with baby 3 and felt the same as you do. I could only see the negatives, but knew as my husband was so happy it would break his heart if I didn’t go ahead. Then just as I got my head into it I lost it at 7 weeks. I feel awful as I guess there was some relief but more there was a sense of disappointment and ‘what if thoughts’ I experienced after that.
In fact two years later the third child chat kept up and I kept going over and over it on my mind. From initially not ever thinking of a third it became the elephant in the room so to speak! So this month fed but up overthinking it again I knew I had to either go for it or close the door. We tried once and yesterday I found out I’m pregnant! Again I feel shock as it was so quick, worried about effect on my kids, juggling it all but now I guess I have some sense of peace and feel grateful to have fallen so quickly.
I’ve spent so long reading forums about three, getting so confused but it seems that most women whether planned or unplanned still go through a range of emotions so don’t beat yourself up for having negative thoughts. Even though I decided to go for it my thoughts are really up and down.
I’m due May 2021.
A lot of my friends have three similar age to yours and they seem to cope well / still maintain a life and seem happy so I think it will be fine. X

Just re read your post and just realised I may make you worry about miscarriage after sharing my experience as you said “ maybe my karma will be that I miscarriage”

Definately not my intention, was trying to reassure you it will be ok and it’s normal to feel this way. You would not get karma for those thoughts x

@HomeTogether

I’m glad you have made peace with your decision. If it helps I’ll share my experience. Two years ago I found myself pregnant with baby 3 and felt the same as you do. I could only see the negatives, but knew as my husband was so happy it would break his heart if I didn’t go ahead. Then just as I got my head into it I lost it at 7 weeks. I feel awful as I guess there was some relief but more there was a sense of disappointment and ‘what if thoughts’ I experienced after that. In fact two years later the third child chat kept up and I kept going over and over it on my mind. From initially not ever thinking of a third it became the elephant in the room so to speak! So this month fed but up overthinking it again I knew I had to either go for it or close the door. We tried once and yesterday I found out I’m pregnant! Again I feel shock as it was so quick, worried about effect on my kids, juggling it all but now I guess I have some sense of peace and feel grateful to have fallen so quickly. I’ve spent so long reading forums about three, getting so confused but it seems that most women whether planned or unplanned still go through a range of emotions so don’t beat yourself up for having negative thoughts. Even though I decided to go for it my thoughts are really up and down. I’m due May 2021. A lot of my friends have three similar age to yours and they seem to cope well / still maintain a life and seem happy so I think it will be fine. X

Thank you for your advice and sharing your experience. Yeah I’ve been doing the same, reading/googling experiences with having 3 children but I think we’re just making ourselves go mad with overthinking. Aw no I know it wasn’t your intention to make me worry and I’m sorry you suffered a miscarriage. I’ll be due May 2021 too. I wish you the best and thank you again X

I’ve got 3 under 3.5 with my youngest currently 6 weeks old. It’s hard I’m not going to lie but it’s doable and every week it’s getting easier and we’re having more and more lovely moments where I’m feeling so so lucky. Our number 3 baby was a surprise too (my husband didn’t speak for a week or two with the shock!)

Solidarity fist bump @confusedmamaa I could have written your OP word for word. I am in the first few weeks of pregnancy number 3, a complete surprise as I've only had 2 periods since weaning, it took a year of trying to get pregnant with no 2.

@HomeTogether
I'm also due then, maybe we need a 3rd time mums club?!

@InTheFamilyTree yes a club would be good. I’m due 5th May. I need a bit of encouragement. I’m still feeling up and down about it all and maybe as my youngest is off to school it’s weird thinking of starting all over again and suddenly feel a bit past it all!
Has anyone contacted their GP yet? I haven’t yet but must do this week.

Nope not contacted my GP, will leave it for a couple of week probably. Its the unknown that's scary isn't it, don't know how I'll manage 3 but felt that was with 2 and it seems normal now!

Awww op congratulations, it will be grand. I was in almost your exact position, my two were 2+3 and I had a job lined up. I was just starting to see the light at the end of a long tunnel after having pnd and having a tough ride really. Then found out I was pregnant, I was 10 weeks. I'd actually felt so ill I'd convinced myself I was dying, pregnancy didn't cross my mind. So I was in pure disbelief, and then distress. I think I cried for most of my pregnancy but I couldn't have an abortion as I was brought up strict Catholic and, well, I just couldn't. Anyway, even the day I went into labour I really wasn't even excited or looking forward to meeting my baby (awful I know) but she came flying out like a bullet from a gun and I don't know what happened but I loved her instantly! All my fears and worries vanished, she is 3 now and she was definitely sent from above, she absolutely completes us.

I’ve got 4 under 5and pregnant I wanted all mine close together
Yes it’s hard but it’s the best ever

There’s no right or wrong answer for you