Third child..mid life crisis!

[HomeTogether]

This is my first post and I guess I’d just welcome any opinions / advice from anyone who went for a third. I know this is a thread for larger families but don’t know where to post.
I have a boy (7) and girl (4) and 39 so time getting on a bit.
Husband would love a third, I’m sitting on the fence and one day feel I’m considering it and the next too scared to go ahead. It’s a bit like the elephant in the room.
I had never considered a third until.......2 years ago I found out I was pregnant with baby number 3 and it was a massive shock. I feel awful to say I felt very negative at the time. I felt I was just about coping with a 2 and 5 year old and as it was unplanned I just wasn’t in the right place mentally. Just about to start a new job, and had worked hard to get it, after not working while having my daughter. My husband was so happy, I was honest with him how I felt and he reassured me. We told our parents straight away whilst on holiday with them and then I started to get my head into it, feel more positive, brought vitamins and everyone spoke about it all day. The next morning I had a miscarriage at 7wks. I was disappointed at the time after it happened but felt it obviously wasn’t meant to be, and ever since then it’s been the ‘elephant in the room’ between us. My husbands more sure he wants one and me more confused! I do love being a mum, the baby days, toddler time’s etc. Nothing I love more. Both kids will be in school (hopefully) by the time baby arrives so it will be easier. Husband works a lot so a lot is left to me but he is helpful. Financially we are ok, I can stay at home. I’m just wondering if I’m tired of being tired all the time and it’s time to move on from the baby days? Kids pretty demanding and spend most nights bed hopping with them so still lacking sleep! Is this some sort of panicky last chance crisis stage?! Panicking as my daughter starts school and I’ll be missing them and getting older so pregnancy may be harder? I am currently working part time and am career minded so had planned to look for new job.

Although I conceived quickly before, I have no idea if it would work this time and I’d also worry about health of baby etc. Maybe I’m pushing my luck. I feel this pressure trying to decide quickly on something so huge! I’d ideally like to have baby before I’m 40.

Pregnancies were ok, but suffered with bad back and varicose veins (in all areas! blush) so a bit put off by that too! Very quick 20 minute labour with second. shock

Anyway any advice I’d be grateful for. Did you have a third? Is it very hard? Does it change your relationships with your other children? Was pregnancy harder? Anyone faced the last chance crisis stage and didn’t go ahead? Thanks

My husband and I spent about a year going backwards and forwards over a possible number 3. I was 38 when I had DC2 so we didnt feel we had too much time to decide, and also we had a relatively small age gap between the first 2 and wanted any future child to be relatively close in age to them. Eventually we decided to go for it. I was less sure it was the right decision as our family generally seemed to work as a team of 4.... but it's been so, so lovely. We now have a 10 month old and I haven't regretted it for a moment. Pregnancy wasn't harder, birth was fine (quicker and easier than number 1, slower than number 2). My body hasn't 'snapped back' as well this time but I'm still BF and eating a lot of lockdown chocolate so I can't say I've tried! I wouldn't say it's harder than 2, partly because my eldest is now at school and partly because the order ones now play together for longer periods. They both say the baby is the best member of the family... if I weren't so old I think I'd now be tempted to a 4th

Thankyou for taking the time to reply. It was lovely to hear such a positive response. It sounds like baby number 3 really fitted in well and you are very happy.
I’m at the right time of the month to conceive, so I feel a bit of pressure, I just worry if I go ahead I’ll spend the next month worrying if I have done the right thing. I’m definitely sure I would never regret another child, but the baby days feel quite far back now and it’s hard to imagine it all again and just don’t know how I’ll split myself between everyone. Who knows if It would even work so quickly or if at all. I’m a bit of an over thinker unfortunately and indecisive, a bad combination! 🤣 My husband is the opposite, so simplistic about it, if you want one just go for it he says. It’s simple! I just don’t want to throw away an opportunity for another when my husband is so keen, and I’m in the position to try.

I'm slightly different as I have an adult dd from my first marriage.

I have dd2 and 3 who are 10 and 9 and we went onto have DS last summer at the age of 40 (just)

I'd been trying since 38, whereas my other 3 were reasonably quick

We all adore him, he's a darling. It was my easiest pregnancy and second easiest birth. I am tired but not as tired as I was with dd1 at 21.

I did desperately want to ttc from when dd3 was.about 2 and my husband was not keen (and I didn't pressure) so I knew once he was keen I definitely wanted to try.

Until lock down DS and I led a charmed life of drop the girls off, spend a day snuggling, then pick them up at 3!

Thanks yump for your reply. Yes it must have been lovely to have that special time together when girls were at school. I found with my second child the baby days went so fast as DS was almost three.

Do you think you need to be quite a structured person for three? I’m not particularly structured, as in I’ve never planned my life around afternoon naps etc. My kids are very flexible which is very useful. Obviously they sleep and eat at reasonable times! I know a mum of three who runs life like a military operation and I’m just not that sort of person! DD always fell asleep on playgroup pickups so I never got chill out time with afternoon naps. She’s always been hard work with sleep, a real night owl. I’m in a terrible habit of lying in her bed (bed at 7:30) until she sleeps and if I don’t she just keeps following me out and it goes on longer so I give in. I don’t usually come downstairs until 9pm so end up staying up late for ‘me’ time. Both DD and DS generally get up in the night to sleep next to me. I’m constantly bed hopping so everyday I’m tired! At least I’m not used to sleeping so it’ll be easier! I know I’d have to get this all sorted if I had baby 3.

I'm not structured at all apart from those things that I have to do like school runs.

That said, the more I've had the more I've tried to keep to a kind of nap routine, just so I get some time to myself!

I am totally different again in the fact that I have 3 REALLY close together. DS1 & DS2 were planned this way but DS3 was a complete and utter surprise so I can relate to you not being in the right place mentally at a point as I was the same. I cried for 2 weeks straight when I found out because I was so shocked and scared as, Like you, I was just coping with 2. I was 13 weeks when I found out! Still to this day I am shocked he's here but I don't regret him for a second. Once I got my head around it I was fine, took a while as it wasn't what I'd planned (control freak here) but I got there in the end. I now have 3 DS aged 3, 2 and almost 10 months like a PP said, I found it easier going from 2 to 3 than 1 to 2. The pregnancy was harder running around after a toddler and a baby at the same time but the baby days go so quick. Now that my youngest is here I know it was always meant to be this way. So if you feel there's even a slight chance you might want to go ahead then I'd go for it

Sorry for long reply but I have been there with the uncertainty! have similar ages to you and my third turns 1 this week. My dd was 6.5 when he was born and ds1 was 4. I was just over 40. So I also had the time running out feeling. We talked round whether to have a third for ages. Before our second child I never imagined it was something I would even think about let alone find myself wanting, but the thought arrived and it didn’t go away. But neither of us felt strongly enough one way or the other, so it felt really hard to make the decision. I must have read every blog or chat thread on the Internet about it, talked to every parent of three that I knew. But the more time passed we accepted that the idea hadn’t gone away and we were coming to terms with the risks and gathering together our courage together to go for it. Now that our son is here and is 1 next week it seems incredible to us that we questioned for a minute whether we should have him. He has completed our family, we all adore him and if we hadn’t had him we would always have felt that perhaps we should’ve gone for it.

My pregnancy was pretty horrible but I’m not a great pregnant person and the birth was fine. The first six months weren’t fun but we expected them to be hard and I’m not a tiny baby person anyway. And I find the hard stuff easier knowing how awesome it gets as they grow. And my older two play well together, so that felt easier than juggling a new baby and a toddler who still needed me for everything when I had my second. Just as we were coming out of the new baby fog lockdown hit. So that’s been a different kind of difficult but it has been wonderful having him around as he’s continued to develop and carry on irrespective of all the other stuff happening.
The gap we ended up with worked out well. My daughter is old enough to really engage with him and help carry him around and things like that. My son is besotted with him, but they both (in normal times) go to school and I get some time to spend with the baby. As a parent I like having a routine but am not rigid and school runs are immovable anyway no matter what the baby wants to be doing. So that can be challenging but you can’t do anything about it so in a way that makes it easier because there’s no point obsessing about it. And I think we were lucky and got a fairly relaxed baby. Sorry for the long post but I know what the indecision is like. I read a blog that I’d be hard pressed to find now and is a bit cheesy but it basically said that if the question is there, that is your answer in a lot of ways. Because when I mentioned the possibility of a 3rd to some people they looked at me like I was completely mad. They knew they were done. I wasn’t sure. And he’s fit in so well. Good luck with your decision either way!

I'm 42 and dithering on a 3rd and have been for about 18mths now. You get a different response if you post on other chat sections. See my recent post in the Menopause section about baby cravings and peri-menopause.
Posting in the larger families section will get you 'do it' responses in the main.
For what it's worth, I'm erring on sticking at two because it's the known factor and try as I might I can't get past the various risks of trying for a third, however small they may be.
Making the decision is so hard though. I think I'll always wonder 'what if?' but need to remember a 'what if?' can work both ways. More isn't always better.

I’m 40 now with a 6 and a 9 year old and I’m so glad we decided not to have another. We did consider it for a few months but then thought we wouldn’t risk upsetting the apple cart.

I’m back at work fulltime now and I love my job. They are settled at school. It feels like a peaceful stage before the teens years and secondary schooling starts. They are at the same school and share similar interests.

It is a lovely stage to have 2 children at and we don’t feel stretched at all with regards to meeting their needs and interests. And it’s quite nice being able to split them and have one parent per child.

TealTrees the potential for 'upsetting the apple cart' which could happen is what is holding me back more than anything. What we have now is clearly the known quantity and we've been through the mill having the two we have. I feel like I would be tempting fate trying for a third. Probably not logical and it doesn't stop the feels for another right now but equally feels like a risk I don't need to take. Just got to hope I don't regret it later but your post gives me hope!

Go for it! 7 years between my second and third child but only because I dithered. DC3/is 21 now and is just such a lovely person.

We have 5 years between child number 2 and 3. I would say it caused me a bit of trouble because I got more mental health problems but that's just me! My anxiety and depression escalated and I felt sad that I had chosen children over career.

However, this third child is an absolute treasure and has brought so much to everyone's lives! She's just brilliant and I have so enjoyed having a little one when I'm more experienced and have that perspective that you just don't have with your first children, where you know a lot of things really don't matter.

It has crossed my mind that we were incredibly lucky not to have a child with serious additional needs at our age, which would have been harder with less energy and enthusiasm.