Having4th

[Perspectiveon4]

We have 3 children, I am 44 husband 40.
Very anxious husband and we have had short separation4 months) because of anxious/obsessive behaviour, we are now back together.He has had help( some therapy). Before, while pregnant and after having 3rd child I said this would be my our last. Which he said he agreed. Now he is pressuring me to have another, saying I am ruining his dreams. My youngest nearing school age. I feel my head is getting above water. Although I feel nostalgic my baby is getting all grown up, My heart is not completely in to have another at 44. Especially when I feel like I am feeling pressurised he can be quite difficult when he's anxious.He's getting quite angry with me.. don't know what to think. I feel I will resent him if I had 4th and have difficulties.and he says he will resent me if I don't.. I feel he's not taking my feelings in to account.Since I am the one to carry and care during initial years. My wishes should be taken in to account. I understand he feels thwarted..But I just feel he's making me feel guilty for saying no.

I have 4 (he was a big suprise) and it is honestly hard work. He is 2 in apiril and I can't seem to get ahead of myself. I was settled with 3. I love the bones of his wee cheeky face (god he's so bloody cute) But FOUR is hard work.

If your heart isn't in it then please don't be pressured into it. He's being very unfair and not taking your feelings into consideration. Has he acknowledge how you feel and what could lie ahead for you?

Did you always say you'd have 4? Even so, you've carried and birthed 3 children. That's enough.
Sounds like he wants to trap you back into the relationship to me.

Thank you for your responses. My gut feeling is not to have 4th. I have never considered having 4th. I have told him in every different way possible how I feel about it. It does feel like he wants that child so he is sure that I will stay. We are going to a counsellor shortly, hope we can talk it out. If I had 4th one I would probably love it to bits like you say.. also he's just moved back in just over a month and I want feel we are ok with each other rather than giving ourselves another stress situation. He says times running out etc..it just feels like he is being immature.
It really helps to perspective of other women.
Thank you

You could always fib... At 45 my gp told me there was very little chance...
Seems she was a bit overzealous in her comment from stories on here but I accepted her opinion and stopped ttc.
Ime your 'd' h is trying to trap you further into staying when he knows maybe you shouldn't....

personally i think your relationship sounds rocky and he sounds....controlling and smothering.
I would not countenance another child and would be looking at my options.

You are 44. The reality is it is hard to conceive at that age.
If you really want to stick with him I'd go for a white lie and say okay lets try and then get yourself on reliable contraception.

It does sound like hes afraid you will run, hes choosing the "quick fix". He seems very much all over the place an panicked, an clunching at straws (in a sense) the only way is for you to get pregnant; it seems like a rational dissussion (in his eyes) This so he can avoid his own issues! So I think he has alot of work to do on himself. Good luck with the counselling!!

Trust your gut! Always listen to yourself. Stand your ground. At the end of it you will be the one left to pick up the pieces. I wish you the best 😀

Thank you so much.. each of your messages resonates with what I deep down know.. but voiced by so many unbiased views is heartening.. and gives me that bit extra confidence to stand firm.
you are right he has lot of unresolved issues. Anxiety stems from loosing 3 close and important female figures including mother during his childhood in span of 6 years between the ages of 5 to11. He just is afraid and insecure all the time. Constantly thinks I think the worst of him. He is slowly coming to terms with it and being more open, but I feel there is still a long way to go. He needs a lot of attention and patience as he is like a child in this aspect. He is otherwise very clever, holds down a very good job and earns well. He always puts family first.But home life is a struggle for him.. luckily I have very supportive family as well as in laws.

Your marriage is very shaken, he is bullying you into another child you don't want, you are 44 already with much higher risks of issues, your youngest is about to start school and your level of freedom about to increase.

I think it's all about him wanting you to be trapped in the marriage 🤷🏽‍♀️

Part of me thinks you take proper contraceptive and what a shame you just don't conceive and then in the meantime work on yourself and your marriage. Realistically do you think will still be going in 5 years time...

I agree with the others. He’s either trying to capture you and keep you tied down with a baby so you’ll never leave him, or he’s trying to recapture those happy times when you were happy together during previous pregnancies. Which he can do without you being pregnant if you both make the effort.

Both are not good enough reasons for bringing a living human being into the world. Possibly with birth defects which could be very exhausting and time consuming. If he thinks he’s stressed now.....