Is it just me ? Large family feel like a failure

[Iloveme30]

Hi 🥺
First post so a newbie 😮 I have a large family 5 children 4 biological 1 stepchild
They range from 19 down to 4
Have had some very traumatic (not your run of the mill bereavements in life that shook my world ) not that any bereavements is run of the mill but I have buried my children and my parent at a very young age and to be honest thought that was just life ... turns out I’m now 38 on my 2nd marriage have my beautiful children And feel like I’m drowning every day . Kids are amazing humans lovely empathetic and kind but all have their own issues as in with their dads etc who don’t do nothing for their well-being so all the emotional hard stuff is down to me and I don’t mind that as I adore each and everyone of them but my god I fell like I’m split in 20 different directions 😔everything that happens it’s like I’m the only one they come to (moan at ) blame or just plain voice their dissatisfaction at life .. i just feel overwhelming responsibility and they are my responsibility and I don’t go out I don’t leave them to lead my own life I am there for them 24/7 don’t make them babysit each other but it never feels like it’s enough, we had a few years of hardship as in money worries but we are over that now they have a stunning home and a stable family and thankfully I can provide the finer things in life for them now but I still feel it’s never enough . Have a great but immature hubby who likes to make everything a joke and he does it well and keeps us laughing (he was hard to get on board stability wise as he was a jack the lad when I met him and caused me a few sleepless nights but he has now fully settled and is a fantastic help
Don’t even know why I’m posting just would love some inspiration..opinions .. support etc
Having a sneaky fag or a beer these days seems my only escape , that’s not necessarily a good thing either
Hugs 😍 sorry for the long winded post x

Hey i have 6 children 1 disabled and just had a baby. Me & my DH make it work by working as a team. We do date nights in our home with the kids as we have no extra help.
It sounds like your doing a amazing job i would say take sometime for yourself leave the washing for 1 day. Why do u feel like its never enough? Lots of kids have nothing seems like your lot have more than enough so dont think your not doing great when u are x

You're doing great op, well done for being there for your kids

There are enough people in your home old enough to ensure you could have a bit of time to yourself at least once a week. It's nice not to expect babysitting from a teen but would they rather not help or see you about more relaxed? And what is your dh's excuse? I'm not meaning a night out drinking (unless that's what you want!) but a trip to an exercise class, a book group, dinner out on your own even). There might be, if you feel it would help, a support group relating to your bereavements.
I've only two (though came from a large family) and feel like I'm never doing enough for them. Looking back though I never felt that about my own parents, who did a lot less with me!