Pregnant with #4 - worried and confused ☹️

[Elizabeth81]

Hi, I’m new to mumsnet but after reading some really supportive threads recently I thought I would post for some advice.
A few weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant with #4. I only did a pregnancy test in order to have the coil fitted. I’d previously been on the pill but it wasn’t agreeing with me so I had a couple of weeks break where we used contraception at all times. We had just one instance where it broke - I can even remember the exact date - away on holiday abroad. Never in a million years did I think it would lead to anything (I hadn’t got pregnant easily with my other 3 at all) so I didn’t think anything of it until the positive test knocked me for six. I felt upset, annoyed, scared and hugely shocked. I cried for about a week as we were most definitely “done” and another baby wasn’t part of the plan.
As time has gone on, I’ve been to the abortion clinic (they couldn’t do anything on the day as there was nobody to do the scan and I didn’t have a period date to go off), I then didn’t go back the next week but instead decided to have a private scan. I think I was thinking if there was one baby I would go ahead with it, but anymore I couldn’t. Saw the baby on the scan and felt more positive for about 10 days. I then had a huge wobble a couple of weeks ago where I started phoning the abortion clinics again but appointments were hard to come by. I then kept busy and had another positive couple of weeks but I’ve had another big wobble this weekend. My husband thinks I’m just playing a stupid game which I’m really really not. He also thinks I’m getting quite depressed by the whole situation. I just try and stay positive then a tidal wave of negative emotions hit me from nowhere and I feel like I can’t go through with having another child.
I feel guilty for not feeling happy and excited about this pregnancy like I have with my other three. I don’t know why I don’t and I feel so awful about it. I am worried what if I feel like this all the way through or end up with postnatal depression? I worry what other people will think - I know this is so silly as I’m sure nobody will think anything but I don’t want to be seen as having a “tribe” of children. I know that sounds completely unreasonable.
We can afford a fourth child, we have a big enough house and a big enough car. I worry about having a baby with a toddler - I’ve always had a good age gap where as I will only have 18 months this time.
I’m just so confused. I feel awful, I can’t shake not feeling happy and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone. I think about it constantly. I keep looking at photos of people with 4 children and thinking “can we do that?” - I know I’m just overthinking everything.
I am really aware of time going on as I’m ten weeks already - I know I have to make a decision this week really as I promised my husband I wouldn’t get to 12 weeks.

Any advice or help would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long rant!

If you have planned good age gaps between your other children, it'll be disconcerting and scary to imagine an 18-month gap, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. It'd be good to try and ask yourself why you feel awful and confused - could it be because you like to be in control of things and this is a situation that could dramatically change your life - but you did not plan it whatsoever? I mean, it's understandable to feel this way... Maybe try and set your feelings aside for a moment and ask yourself some questions. Feeling awful, and things actually being awful, are two separate things. I also wouldn't feel guilty about not feeling excited about the pregnancy. I felt guilty when my ds was born because I felt very tired and flat the first couple weeks, not euphoric and joyful as I had with my dd. But he turned out to be such a happy little boy and I really don't think it mattered. To go from 3 to 4 is a big deal but that doesn't mean you're not strong enough. You could tell friends that it was a surprise, I know my friends did when they had unplanned pregnancies. As for strangers or acquaintances, the ones who want to judge will always find something to judge. Just my rambling thoughts....

Hi,

I am in the exact same situation! Found out I was expecting #4. Have been feeling so depressed... like I'm just staring in to a big black tunnel with no light at the end. I even felt the same as you about not wanting a tribe of kids and worrying about what everyone else would say! Iv had 4 appointments at 2 different abortion clinics and I haven't gone through with any of them. I even had an appointment booked for this Saturday which Iv cancelled. Anyway, yesterday I had my 12 weeks scan... I'm actually 13 weeks and 3 days as I'd left booking appointments till the last minute and I can honestly say I feel so much better.... seeing the little baby moving around etc has made me make my decision and feel positive about it.
I'm not saying you will feel the same, just wanted to say I get it, I know how lonely it feels and I feel for you.
I hope you manage to come to a decision that you can make peace with x

Thank you both SO much for your messages. I can’t even begin to tell you how much better they’ve made me feel.
Isaididont - I think you’re right, the small age gap is worrying me as I’ve always had at least 3.5 years before. When I actually sit down and think will things actually be awful, of course they won’t. We manage really well with three, I like to be organised and number 4 would have to slot in. My other three are all really well behaved too. I think it’s just because it wasn’t part of my “plan” and I like to plan things and be in control. I think I’m also still in denial slightly that it has happened given how slim the chances were but then I keep thinking deep down, maybe it was meant to be.
Rufus86 - it has made me feel so much better knowing someone else has been going through the same as me and all the clinic appointments and changing my mind all the time. It does feel like a dark tunnel with no end and that’s a scary feeling. I also keep thinking when I get to my 12 week scan (next week) I’ll hopefully turn a corner like you did and begin to enjoy it. I think we are set on going ahead now so I need to just try and be positive, not think the worst or worry about what anyone else thinks. You’re absolutely right, isadidont, that people who want to judge will always find something to judge but as my husband says, in reality actually nobody will really care less!
My two older ones play nicely together so I’m hoping a little play mate for the younger one might work out well and whilst the first couple of years will be tough with two babies/toddlers they actually do grow up so quickly, don’t they? X

Hopefully you'll feel better once you've had your scan. It's not all roses straight away, I still have wobbly moments but on the whole I'm feeling much better about it all. Maybe we can hold each other's hand through this! I feel like I just want the pregnancy part to be over with and I want to just be getting on with it instead of feeling anxious about how I'll cope all the time! X