Is it ultimately the parents fault if...

[Mumof3cheeky]

2 sibilings don’t get on and constantly fight. I mean I know that they might be different type of people but is it us parents fault if we are unable to give them the tools to make it somehow work. Ds1 and ds2 constantly fight and it puts a big strain in the whole house not to mention ds3 and ds4 in it.
They are both fine individually but a huge clash together.
Have got to the point where we tell them to avoid each other but we have another 10+ years like this 😭

How old are they? You need to find a common ground and show them that actually being nice is good!!

Do you like beating yourself up, OP?

I don't go with this mantra that "everything wrong a child does has to be either A) parents fault or B) the child has SN. No other reasons are possible." That set of views is utter complete BS not to mention entirely unhelpful.

I used to punish mine both if they squabbled (eg., stuck both on stairs together, but out of arms reach of each other). This gave them an enemy to unite against (me).

Tricky. Personality surely does come into it, as will family circumstances and, yes, parenting.

I just have one sibling and we didn’t get on at all as DC. constant fighting, including physical (always instigated by my sibling). In retrospect I don’t think we were adequately supervised, parents were busy with FT work, domestics and studies, and physical violence should not have been tolerated.

Does each DC get time/attention alone from each parent?

Siblings without Rivalry is a good book on this.

My parents used to punish us both for fighting: didn’t work, for me anyway, as (in my view) the issue was my sibling’s physical aggression and this wasn’t dealt with.

Some siblings have a personality clash and just don’t get on! Better to accept it for what it is than try and make them like each other. However, you do need to step in if it gets physical or very unkind (as opposed to just bickering / winding each other up).

Thanks all yes ds1 is 9 and ds2 is 7. Ds1 has anxiety/anger issues topped with confidence problems and I think the main conflict stems from the fact that everything they play has to have a winner so when it doesn’t happen he looses it. They are very competitive but agree aggression and physical fights should not be tolerated.
He can be very rude to his brothers just because he hadn’t got his way and that’s really frustrating!
None of them has a lot of one to one time with us so that’s definitely something to aim for

(as a child) DH used to deliberately wind his brother up until he got hit. Then (child) DH would yell for a parent who would come into room & punish the hitter. Great game for the little brother.

My friend accepted her dc hated each other, her dd would scream and insist the ds had done xyz and the dd was believed.
Until the time friend had glass doors fitted and we watched dramalama dd fabricate being beaten up when she was sat alone while the ds was watching TV across the room!! Her poor ds!!
What consequences do you hand out? The bully needs to hand over the TV /console remote /be demoted from something and given to the other dc. No way would I put up with what you describe.

That sounds tricky OP. I might consider a temporary ban on DC1 playing competitive games with siblings!

We have a conversation before they start playing (mainly football) but somehow ds1 managed to accept people. E.g yesterday ds2 scores and it obviously bothered ds1 so he told him in a calm voice “you have to try harder than that” so ds2 kicked off and the fight began.
I don’t know if it’s normally the same with boys all around. Ds2 and ds3 can sometimes play games just for fun but even they end up fighting sometimes. and then there is ds4 who is too small to get involved (yet)
We have always ecouriged football as at least then they are out in the garden.
Ds1 is generally more difficult these days so hopefully he will with time calm down

not *accept but upset

April I think most children will at some point play up on how much they are hurt or if they are hurt at all. I remember doing it when I was little. I think it’s all for attention and hopefully they will grow out it

Not for years, not as in their normal everyday behaviour.