What to do when you can’t agree if you’re done?

[GreenBananaYellow]

Hello,

I just wondered if anyone has advice on what to do if you absolutely don’t feel done, but your partner absolutely is done having children? I know I need to accept it or talk to a professional as it is really affecting our relationship. We have 3 DC and this is what we agreed on, but now I can’t let go of a fourth and final child.

If I’m honest, I would be hoping for a particular gender which I realise can’t be guaranteed and is very superficial. As I write this I realise how silly and unreasonable I sound. I really need to try to accept this phase is over.

Thanks for reading.

You stick with the children you have and don’t have any more.

I was in the same position, a long time ago now. Very pleased now that I didn’t manage to persuade dh and have a fourth.

It’s tough, but 3 is a lot, and you need to honour your agreement. I think that the one who doesn’t want the extra child takes precedence. Sorry.

This is probably going to sound harsh I really don't mean it to be, more of a heads up.
I have two very good friends who pushed and pushed for another kid, got their way despite their partners being against it and ended up splitting up within a year of the birth.
I suppose what I'm saying is make sure your relationship is strong enough and is a fourth worth the possibility of splitting up your relationship.
I do understand completely the yearning for another child.

Thank you for your replies and no need to apologise for being harsh. I know you are right and I’m usually a very logical and practical person which is why I’ve been thrown by how devastated I feel and the fact that I haven’t been able to move past it and it’s been about 3 years! I think I should talk to someone else (a professional) about it, I’ve not done that before but perhaps it will help to give me some strategies to move on.

Thanks again for your insights, much appreciated.

I think you have to be very clear with yourself about just how much you want that one child more and what you'd be prepared to risk for it. I wanted one more and my husband didn't. I knew if I pressed the right buttons I could get him to say yes but I couldn't actually make him want it. The thought of having that to deal with every time we weren't getting enough sleep, or couldn't afford something, or him being stressed and hating his job but having to stick at it to be able to pay the increased bills... I decided against it.

We're beyond that now and although I still feel sad sometimes that we stopped where we did, I am glad that I didn't force him into anything he didn't want. It does get better with time, but I'm peri now and suspect that as that decision becomes physically irrevocable I may struggle emotionally with it again. I think it was a right decision under the circumstances but not necessarily the right decision, if that makes sense? But we have a happy family the way we are and that makes me happy.

Liz38, thank you for your reply. It makes perfect sense and I feel like I could be writing that same post in years to come. I know it’s the right decision to let it go, it just feels incredibly sad.

How would you feel if he agreed to it, and the wasn't the sex you re hoping for?
I think you need to think about what is you want, another child, or that sex?

If he doesn't change his mind, then unfortunately there's nothing you can do, but accept it and move on. I know that's not easy.

I also have 3 and when we decided that DS was our last - I focused on doing and planning things that we couldn't have done with a baby (I got into fitness, booked a holiday, started getting gel nail polishes etc). Basically, something that is for YOU and something that will distract you.

Thanks Annabelle4, that’s is really good advice.

We have been in the same position and have agreed (I think) that three is enough. My husband has persuaded me that four would be more than we can cope with for a wide range of reasons. He is right, and being very sensible, whereas I was thinking with my heart rather than my head. It's very hard to let go but I do feel it's time to move onto the next stage.

Person who doesn’t want another DC gets to decide.

You could try techniques to “re frame” the issue in your mind.

Many of us have fewer DC than we would have liked, for lots of different reasons. Three DC is already an amazing thing.

You stop. You can’t (or shouldn’t anyway) make someone a parent when they don’t want to be. Whether that’s after zero children, one, two, or more.

Oh and yes you sound sensible and it is sad if you wanted more. We have two and there was a time when I wanted three but I know it’s not a good idea for us (age, my physical and mental heath). Still a bit sad for the daughter I’ll never have (and I do know that we could easily have had a third boy rather than a girl).

Hi OP, I was in your position - we had 3 DC, I wanted another, DH didn't. I gave up on the idea (for the reasons given above) and I'm happy to tell you that the longing genuinely does go away (or it did for me, anyway). My youngest is now 8 and I am completely content with my family and have no regrets at all.