DH and I at odds

[Pandatone]

Hello

My DH and I have two lovely boys, 4 and 2. I have always dreamt of having three children but when we came to discuss the possibility last summer it became clear that my OH is firmly against it. I guess we had never actually discussed 'how many' children before that point, although we'd both always talked about having kids. He finds two exhausting and doesn't want to spread his love and his time any more thinly. He thinks about the practicalities - car, holidays etc and is adamant that one more would push us over the edge. I, on the other hand, think about a third all the time - I feel like our family is not yet complete and that the boys would be amazing with a younger sibling. I'm one of three myself and I keep thinking about the benefits of having another sibling, not just when the kids are young, but later in life. I know it would be hard, but I want to make the leap.

Where do we go from here?? Has anyone else been in this position? It's massively affecting our relationship and I just feel so lost. Any thoughts would be hugely appreciated.

Either one of you will have to change your kind or you will have to accept being disappointed. Whatever you do don't try to push him into having one for your sake. Am unwanted child is still an unwanted child even if conceived willingly. Sure he will probably love that child just as much as the others but there is a chance that having one more will make it so much more difficult for him that he will resent them. It's better not to rock the boat.

Could you not try putting the money aside each month of the estimated costs of another child (eg cost of nappies/wipes/vests etc) the cost of say finance on a larger car if that’s how you would need to fund it etc and see how financially it would work out for you, you could even go as far as ‘paying yourself’ a maternity leave pay and putting the rest of salary to the side, again just to see how stretched you would be financially.

I don’t know how you would trial run the more emotional side of spreading yourself out more, hormones, tiredness etc but I think a mature conversation needs to be had between you both, if it wasn’t for the money and the practicalities such as the car then how would your DP feel about a third?

I feel exactly the same as you! I did manage to convince him on 3 they are now 9,7&5. However I would now like a 4th. My husband has the exact same reasons as yours. To some extent I agree but I have not been able to think of much else for at least 2 years now & think ill always wander 'what if?' I worry that it is affecting our relationship there being such a divide in our opinions. I agree about feeling 'lost'. I really hope your husband comes round to a 3rd, it is very hard at times but I have loved it!

Lots of people just say you should accept your husband's choice but it's easier said than done I know. Good luck to you

Being one of three I would say don’t, always 2 against 1 in my experience.

I Agree, I’m one of three and also have 3 and unless you are happy to be the buddy/ playmate for your 3rd one permanently or thinking of maybe going for 4 I wouldn’t recommend it.They can randomly swap playmates but one will always be out. I’m currently expecting no4 but with a lot bigger gap than had between first 3 so will have to see how that plans out!
However when I was very broody for no3 not sure if anyone had told me all this would have stopped me for going for it. A lovely baby is a lovely baby whatever number they are in the line

Hi

Thanks so much for the replies, I really appreciate them and interesting to see the different viewpoints. I hadn't thought about the 2 versus 1 thing. I have a brother and a sister and I suppose it's always been the sisters as a duo and my bro as the single one. If we do go for another there will be a bigger age gap between 2 and 3 so I don't know if that means no 3 would be more on their own.

But yes, I don't want to force my husband have another if he doesn't want one and I'd hate him to resent a third child....I suppose I just want him to come round to my way of thinking! I won't pressure him but equally I find it hard to conceal my feelings as it's taking over my entire life and it's all I think about. We've grown apart because of it, I can feel it happening. A grown up conversation is due, you're right. It's so very hard.

Thanks again for your replies xx

This is what happened here.

Had our Second. I was desperate, utterly desolate for a third for first 2.5 years. DH not keen in slightest.
Then, at 2.5, i realised how much more flexible we were and how easier life had become began to change my mind.

Thank goodness we didn’t as DH is now ex DH!

Oh crikey highhorse!

Yes, I do wonder whether in time I will change my mind as life becomes easier. Can't imagine it now but who knows. I'm sure that's what my DH hopes will happen !