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Original poster

3rd child and larger age gaps

20 replies

PieAndPumpkins · 04/01/2018 14:05

We are currently ttc child 3. AF showed up and i'm feeling a bit deflated and anxious, so bear with me. DC1+2 have a relatively small age gap, something I always felt strongly about and 'pushed' for in persuading DH at the time to have DC2. DC1+2 have a fantastic relationship, they're best friends, tolerant of each other and their albeit small, age gap. Their relationship is everything I hoped for.

We're now in a position to be trying for the next baby, but i'm constantly worried about the age gap which increases month on month of not falling pregnant - it would be a 5 to 6 year gap from dc2 to dc3. We've thought on it a lot and we definitely do want another baby, the children are excited and signed up for it too. But I can't help but be worried this child won't have the sibling relationship my current two have which saddens me. In an ideal world I would love two more babies, but that's definitely not a certain at this point.
Please advise/reassure! Am I being silly?

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BobbinThreadbare123 · 04/01/2018 14:06

My sisters and I are two close together, then a 10 year gap between the middle and the youngest. 5 years isn't much!

Bluelonerose · 04/01/2018 14:09

I've got ds1 and dd who are 18 months apart. They have NEVER got on from day 1. It is much better now they are teens but it put me off snall age gap again.
Then 5.5 years younger than dd is ds2. When he was little both adored him but both lose patience with him easily.

However after all that the only combination of my kids which cause arguments most is ds1 and dd.
Hth

Original poster

PieAndPumpkins · 04/01/2018 14:15

Hi Bobbin, are you as close to your youngest sibling? I have large sibling gaps in my own family and our relationships were definitely affected negatively. I know age gap is no certainty to good relationships though, and my not so great experiences undoubtedly make me more sensitive (and paranoid. ha!)

OP posts:

Original poster

PieAndPumpkins · 04/01/2018 14:20

Thanks for the perspective Blue. It makes sense that personality types would have as much impact as age gaps.

OP posts:

Growuphelen · 04/01/2018 14:24

I had my DD after a six year gap and felt she would be very much on her own so had a sibling for her 2 years after ! I am so glad i did. The gap seems to get wider as they grow so 10 and 4 for example is worlds apart.

RandomUsernameHere · 04/01/2018 14:31

Watching with interest, I'm trying to persuade DH to try for a third but it would mean at least a 5 year age gap.
What I seem to be finding from talking to people is that every number of children/combination/age gap etc has advantages and disadvantages compared to others.

Original poster

PieAndPumpkins · 04/01/2018 14:36

This is exactly my concern Growuphelen. Personally I would love to plan to have the fourth too, just persuading DH might be tricky!

You're welcome to share my research Random

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DelphiniumBlue · 04/01/2018 14:37

I've got 5 years between DC2 and 3.
Logistics were hard when they were young (swimming,cinema,that kind of thing), but now theyre grown up ( baby now 17) they are all really close, especially the oldest and the youngest.
The oldest (8 when DS3 was born) has always been very protective of the youngest, and is currently coaching him for a levels!
A big gap can work - my mum is 13 years older than her sister.

Afreshnewyearplease · 04/01/2018 14:42

16 months between dc1+2

3.11 years between dc2+3

3.6 years between dc3+4

Dc1 (9) is brill with dc4 (1)
Dc2 (8) is brill with dc4 when in right mood
Dc3 (4) flits between trying to mother dc4 and being a bit mean to him

Worst combination of the four is dc1+4

Afreshnewyearplease · 04/01/2018 14:42

Sorry worst combination is 1+3 so 9 year old and 4 year old

gillybeanz · 04/01/2018 14:44

10/10 for your plans to go according to plan, so many don't.

we have a 3 year gap between Ds1 and Ds2 and a 9 year gap between Ds2 and Dd.
The big gap has posed no problems really except for a few compromises, older ones leaving home and still having dd at home.
Ours weren't planned though and would never have consulted existing children about planning for another one, it's only our business imo.

Ours get along fine and are really close, it's nice the older two look out for their sister and quite often agree with me and their dad when it comes to telling dd things.

TabbyTigger · 04/01/2018 14:49

I have kids with small at big age gaps - with ex-H I have an 18 year old DS and 12 year old DD and they are so close. His friends all call her “Mini OurSurname” and they have always got along. It helps that they have similar interests but if your existing DC are excited then I think they’ll want to be really involved and really look after your third.

We currently have 5 kids - most often the 18yo, 12yo and 5yo will be found together, while the 13yo and 2yo will pair up. The big age gap is honestly nothing to worry about!!

insomniac123 · 04/01/2018 14:51

DC 1 + 2 19 months apart
DC3 5 years later
DC4 8 years later

1 + 2 (17 +15) get on ok - the mercilessly torture DC 3 (10) but not meanly, but when she was little the doted on her, she does give as good as she gets!
DC 4 (2) is adored by all, but I don't doubt when she hits 9/10 this will change with DC3 but not the biggest 2.

I think it's there personalities that shape their relationships rather than the age gap.

1happyhippie · 04/01/2018 14:51

We have a 9yr gap between ds and dd1. Then less than 2yrs between dd1 and dd2.
My ds has been a great big brother to them, although they do annoy him at times.
Dd1 and 2 don't really get on at all! They are 11 and 9 now and argue constantly over nothing! They are polar opposites in every way.
I think out of them all ds and dd1 propably get on the best.
With a big gap the only problems we have had really were finding things to do as a family. Some things ds felt too old for and others dds were too young.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 04/01/2018 15:07

I am much closer to my youngest sibling than I am to the one nearest to me in age.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/01/2018 15:13

I am much closer to my youngest sibling than I am to the one nearest to me in age

Same here. The sibling with whom I have a 6 year age gap is my best friend. I don't get along anywhere near as well with my 12 month gap sibling! We were never close as kids either, sadly.

We have a 5 year gap with our youngest DC and it's fine - they all make a great little group.

Original poster

PieAndPumpkins · 04/01/2018 15:34

Fab replies thanks so much everyone, I feel more reassured. It seems the consensus is personalities rule, so not a lot I can do about that!

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AJPTaylor · 04/01/2018 16:17

I had 2.5 years between 1 and 2.
Eventually had dd3 10 years later, took a lot longer to fall than anticipated. They are now 23, 20 and 10. Oldest have left home so really it is like having an only. She wad treated like a pet when younger!

L257 · 07/01/2018 04:36

I agree with previous posters, it's not a big deal.

I have a sister who is 2yrs younger than me and a brother who is 5yrs younger and I'm much closer to him than her.

Plus I see it with my own kids too. I had
#1, then three years later
#2, then five years later
#3, then 2yrs later
#4

#1 and #2 will play Minecraft together, for example, because #3 and #4 are toddler and baby but I'll often find #1 playing pretend-to-be dogs or hide and seek etc with #3 and #2 playing with #4

HopefulForToday · 11/01/2018 23:34

I have 3 ds's aged 9, 7 and 7 months.

I was nervous about the big age gap but so far it's been great - the older boys are fab with DC3 and it's lovely to watch them.

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