Being in hospital and wanting to leave home

[Clothnappybum]

I'm in a psychiatric hospital and when I see my kids I feel happiness but then I start to feel I want them to go away again, I dread going home and have felt this way for years now yet I decided to have three children who are all gorgeous by the way and yes I know I'm very lucky but I look at mothers who look so involved and happy to be with their kids and I feel something is missing inside of me.
My upbringing wasn't great there was abuse and I'm dealing with that in therapy but this urge to disappear is so strong but I have no where to go and I don't know if I could just abandon those children, I mean they've gotten used to me
Not being ths for the last month or so and I wonder if I should just kill myself, I have no other options no money no family to stay with who would be good for me, but I know I'll just go home and carry on.
I know no one will read this because for some reason no one tends to read my posts on forums and no they aren't always this depressing

Anyway I hope you are all well out there

I'm reading Op . Talk to your therapist - tell them everything that you've written here , or give it to them to read . I'm so sorry you feel
Like this xx

I also get broody and want another but I know it's just the pregnancy experience I want, and that magical birth moment. I crave excitement and my life doesn't have any.

I should stop moaning right, I don't need a telling off I know a lot of this is psychological and I need to deal with it but it's hard

Your children haven't got used to you , they love you x

Thanks cremefresh

I mean the they've got used to me Not being there they are coping fine without me maybe I could leave

You're not moaning , you feel how you feel and obviously aren't in a good place right now , but it doesn't have to be like this forever. With the right therapy and medication things can get better .

You're getting help obviously, and over time you could feel better. If you speak to the right people! Don't lose hope. Do mention these things in your next therapy session. I don't think your children are just used to you being away. They might accept the situation and be coping with it ok, but there will be things they miss and you dying or going forever will feel very different. Right now their mum is temporarily away and they can think of you coming back.

but I look at mothers who look so involved and happy to be with their kids
Everything is not always as it seems. Every family looks better from the outside than they do behind closed doors. People also have good and bad days. That random lady you see smiling and joking with her child in the park could well have had a "parenting fail" yesterday.
Don't compare yourself to other mothers, don't compare your family to other families, because I guarantee you, no matter how well things are going for you, comparing yourself will make you feel worse.

Much love op, I have been in your shoes and I understand how hard it is. Just remember you will get better, you are very ill right now and you need to give yourself time.

I'm reading OP.

You are at a really low point but you are getting help, so there's every chance it is only going to get better over time. You have to keep the faith. It's great you can articulate what you are feeling. Share that. It will help your therapist help you.

Sending a virtual shoulder to lean on. 💐

I'm sorry your in the place your at. Your children need you and I'm sure they miss you and can't wait for you to come home. I hope you feel better soon, you children love you. I hope you are able to speak to someone about how you feel. X

talk to those around you about how you feel, the more you keep hidden inside the harder it will be to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's there honestly just work day by day and you will get there xxx

Thank you so much everyone it's so kind to read your replies I'm trying really hard and they come to visit but I feel so ditached I wanted to be sent away to a specialist unit to deal with my mental health but they won't and I think it's just tryin to escape. My husband is doing so well without me the kids are happy and clean and he sends me pictures and I love them but I don't want to go home and be there with the madness and the mess and the sleepless nights. I must sound so lazy and irresponsible I'm so sorry to anyone reading who feels I'm lucky and should be happy