3rd child big age gap

[Kayleighann]

Hi we are considering ttc a third child. Our children are boy aged 11 and girl aged 8. Family and friends think we are crazy and say we are going to struggle with the age gap.
Has anyone had a similar gap? Any advise on if it's a really bad idea? Xx

I have 2 age gaps, 4dd in total, eldest almost 16, then 9,8 and 2!
Was only 19 when I had the eldest and deffo enjoy the youngest one more than the others. Much more patience etc.

Are you happy? Do you want another child together? Are you able to financially support this child? If yes then I think your family should be supporting you.

I'm expecting my third , my age gaps make yours look tiny OP :-)

Why are you canvassing the opinions of friends and family on such a big decision. Do you think you will struggle with the age gap?

Yes, there will be some challenges with this particular gap but there are challenges that come with each type of gap.

I'm in the same boat. I have dd13 and ds12. 33 weeks pregnant with Ds2.

There's 13 years between me and my youngest sister and I'm closer to her than my other 2 sisters!

Thanks for your replies. I was quite shocked at the reaction of friends and family, a few have said go for it but majority are against and say it's not fair on my current 2. They can't see why I would want another abs "ruin" what we have. X

Ruin it? With a new member of the family? What a fragile idea they have of a happy family! That's their problem, not yours.

I have a similar age gap- 12/8 and 2. The older 2 absolutely adore the youngest . Only issue we've had is that days out and holidays require a bit more thought so that all 3 are catered for.

When I was born, my sister was 12 and my brother was 10. My mother has always said that I kept her young, I'm close to both my siblings (I'm now 47) and have never seen a problem with the gap - I loved being an aunt an 16 (less keen on being a great aunt at 44!)

When we finally have no 3 we will have 2 age gaps. We have dd10 and ds4. We've had 2 mc over the past year so would have had slightly big gaps as it is but now they will be even bigger than planned. I'm almost 6 weeks pg again and if all goes well this time dd will be 11 and ds will be about to turn 5!
I don't think gaps are as important as some think, ignore people with their silly comments.
If you want another then go for it

My dad is 17 years younger than his next sibling (one of 3). He was effectively an only child.

I am probably not best qualified to help here as I am expressing my fears about a third DC on another thread, and I am worried about some similar issues.

But if it helps, I am from a big family with some large age gaps. My oldest sibling is ten years older than me and my youngest about six years younger. The sibling I am least close to is the one closest to my age. I don't think my parents necessarily struggled with the age gap - although it did mean they were actively parenting for a long time. I think it was nice for my mum to still have one at home when the rest of us had flown the nest. That sister was in a way an only child for a while but in a way that benefited her - she got more one on one time than the rest of us. And in fact she wasn't an only child, she had loads of siblings who adore her, so in some ways she had the best of both worlds!

One thing I see on here frequently about large age gaps is the difficulty of co-ordinating activities and holidays and days out so everybody is happy. This wasn't a problem for us growing up as we didn't have many days out (partly because there wasn't loads of money around and partly because my parents were very OK with us fitting into their lives rather than the other way round. We were often bored and from their point of view that was fine, which I now think is about right). If there was anything, we essentially had to like it or lump it. I think I will take a similar attitude with my own kids!

I am in a similar position as you. DDs are 9 & 7 and we are ttc right now. We have thought about it for a long time and just feel not quite 'done'. I am hoping the age gap will be great having 2 little helpers!!!!

I know if it happens for us, lots of people will be very surprised (not mentioned our plans to anyone!!!) and think we are barmy, but I bet they will all still want cuddles when the baby arrives!!!!

Good luck & do what feels right for you!

We had second dd when ds was
Almost 12 and dd almost 9.

We then felt she would feel a bit like an only child on days out once old enough to notice. So we had second ds 3 years on.

Having two and two has had its rewards and its challenges. Parenting teens and toddlers at the same time is no joke. I often feel I can't meet the needs of all of them so I then prioritise with the result of feeling torn in lots of directions and failing to actually please anyone...

But on the whole it's good. Eldest has moved out so it's a bit sad his little brother won't really remember him being at home... but they get on well and I can see them having a close bond in later life. I threaten teen dd with sending little dd to hers when she herself is an awful teen- my ultimate revenge!

I often feel tired though of parenting for so long (almost 20 years now) and some days feel I'm not as good a Mum to the little ones as I was to the older ones...

I'm a fan of big gaps - DS1 was10 and DS2 5 when DD was born. They now range from 14-24, the eldest no longer live at home but they all still get on really well. No jealousy, no competition - the boys now go to the pub together and they are really good to their sister. DD was unplanned but having three has been so amazing - go for it!

I have a 9yo, 6yo and a 5wk old.

It wasn't planned this way, but I'm finding it much easier without toddlers and a NB. My DC are self sufficient, can get themselves off to school in the morning, fetch themselves snacks and drinks and take themselves off to play. They are also lovely with the new sibling. We had a bereavement a couple of yrs ago of a baby and DC1 says his new little sibling has brought such happiness to his life.

Large age gaps are a LOT easier than small ones IME. For some reason these days everyone is obsessed with having kids really close together.

I am a third child with siblings 8 years and 13.5 years older. Growing up we obviously didn't play together really but nor did we fight or bicker! On the plus side we have a fabulous inter generational thing going on, ie my first niece was born when I was 17, my first child when she was 12. I'm going to be a great aunt this year and my youngest is 13. It's been nice for the teens to get to know their young relatives, and for the youngsters to have teens/young adults to look up to. My eldest sister in particular has been a great help to me with my children over the years - but she sees it as repaying babysitting I did for her as a young adult.

Personally I couldn't face having another after such a big gap but if you are up for it, I wouldn't let the age gap worry hold you back!

Ds1 is 12, ds2 is 10, dd is 15 months and I'm 19 weeks pregnant. We had a slightly different set of circumstances as there was a divorce and new marriage in between ds2 and dd. But it was lovely having help from the boys with their sister, and they adore each other. It will be sad that the boys will be off at uni when dd and bump are still young, but all families have different dynamics.

Hi OP - I don't think it's a bad idea!

We have DS 10 and DD1 7 and now DD 8 weeks. We took a while to make the decision, and although lots of people assumed she was a 'surprise' this wasn't really the case. We had a few comments such as 'you were just getting your life back' and 'ooh we thought you were done', but to be honest, our family feels complete now.

As PP have said, the older 2 are absolutely besotted with her and are a great help (mostly!) She already loves to be around them and it's great to see her smiles and coos directed to them.

One caveat however is that I have found the return to the baby stage very difficult compared to the first 2. I am 39 and generally healthy but the tiredness has impacted me hard. On top of that, it is lonely being at home with a baby and I am sort of missing work. However, each week is better than the last.

If finances, health etc allow, then for us certainly, it was a great decision!

Hey @Kayleighann - what did you decide in the end? I

We are in a similar situation - i have been desperate for number 3 for literally years! (Current DC's are 8 and 6) I haven't really used contraception since my son was born in 2015 and infertility has meant that despite all consuming levels of trying it has not worked out...... but I have just not been able to let it go. I always had my son starting reception as the point at which i would draw a line ( 2years of actively trying) but it was so hard to actually draw the line and stop.

Earlier this year i actually fell pregnant.... but rather than be excited, I totally and utterly freaked out. Suddenly I felt very worried about my age (40 by the time a new baby would arrive) and associated risks and that the gap between the kids just feels too big.

I had an early miscarriage and feel completely torn between relief (as when it came to it i really wasn't sure it was the right decision anymore) but I am still not able to fully stop TTC.

A huge reason for wanting a third is that I was an unhappy only child (for many reasons). I always wanted to have a brood so they always had each other to grow up with and support one another in later life. However, I now feel like a third will in many ways be an only child due to the age difference and that makes me feel extremely sad.

I know many people do it and it works out brilliantly, i just cant help thinking about the time, attention and opportunity a new baby could take away from my existing DCs. I feel like at this stage it would be me putting my hormonal and selfish desire for a baby before my existing family.

My head is finally ruling my heart (after a very emotional and traumatic 4 years of infertility and TTC) but i just cant quite seem to give it up..... even though i really think i should :(

I know this is really old @Brain1overload but I feel the exact same now. With my almost 5 and 8 year old. Did you have a miracle 3rd in the end?

Hey @pinkbunnylugs

No I didn’t in the end. We did carry on trying but in my heart of hearts I was always split a little because I realised the age gap was such a significant issue for me personally.

I found it difficult to close the door as it was at the end of years of infertility and I had always always imagined 3. I do feel sad that I didn’t have the bigger family, however I also know that the age gap was too big an issue for me so I had to draw a line somewhere (mine are now 8 and 10).

What helped me in the end was focusing on and fully immersing myself in what I have. I know it sounds cliche and obvious but I had spent so long dreaming and imagining the ‘one that was missing’ that I was missing what was in front of me. Trying for a baby with no luck is all consuming and it had been consuming me for a long time.

Maybe my situation is different because infertility ultimately took the choice away from me which I have found painful. But I also have been able to do things with the 2 I have that I wouldn’t be able to with a third in tow. I also have friends who were not able to have 1 or 2 and so have tried to focus on my fortune there.

such a tough decision if the urge is still there. I really feel for you. Happy to help / share more if it helps at all x

@Brain1overload thank you for responding and so honestly. I’m sorry it didn’t work out in the end but glad you found some peace.
If the pandemic didn’t happen I think we would have a 2 year old/3rd child now.
But I feel very similar to you, with the large age gaps there are too many downsides/risks now. Like you said, being grateful for two amazing healthy kiddos is something to be grateful for, for sure.
I like you always imagined a large family…it is hard to make peace with that but I think I’m heading in that direction. I’ve just turned 32 so I don’t think fertility is such an issue for me (although you don’t know until you try). But my husband is 41 and feels “done”.

@pinkbunnylugs it really is hard to make peace I agree. I don’t think I’ll ever be fully at peace that I didn’t have the third, but I am at peace that now is not right for us either. I am annoyed at myself that I didn’t escalate for treatment and investigation sooner as I would have had more options on the table at a younger age. And if I had the fertility and age on my side (which sounds like you do) then I would maybe have gone for 2 more so everyone had someone. But a third solo just doesn’t work for us for many reasons.

I think what I have come to realise is that neither is best if that make sense. There are goods and not so goods in both scenarios. It just comes down to whether you feel ready to take the plunge and what suits your family.

We have embraced all the activities that we would either not be able to do if I had a little one in tow or I would be on the sidelines. It has helped me to see what I have rather than what didn’t work out which had helped massively.

@Brain1overload you're right it isn’t easy. I’m currently ovulating and I find that tricky. I’m annoyed we didn’t take the plunge in 2021, when we both were considering it but didn’t because of the unknown around the pandemic.
ugh..it’s tough! Solidarity.