involving older children in baby care

[katepanda]

Hi, I'm new here and hope I'm posting in the right place!

My oldest is 10 and has always seemed happy and proud to help with my 3 and 1 year olds. He keeps them occupied while I'm cooking or cleaning and has enjoyed feeding and changing them with me. He always asks to push the buggy etc. so I've never really felt like I put too much pressure on him to help. Once the little ones are asleep we usually have time to read and talk together in the evenings, but just recently he's been rushing through talking to me, giving one word answers and seeming disinterested. He hasn't really argued or refused to help out, he just seems to be in a rush to go back up to his room all the time.

I'm wondering what other parents think is an appropriate amount of childcare help to ask of a 10 year old, and whether he might think I ask too much of him? I'm just confused because on the whole I don't actually ask, he just helps! Any advice v.much appreciated

I was one of 5 and the oldest. When at high school I was often asked after school to look after the young ones while mum went to the supermarket to get bits for dinner. This happened almost every night. I did it happily.

Looking back though, I should not have been put in this position. Sometimes I hated that they cried (I remember them being particularly young) and really my Mum should have been encouraging me to do homework. I'm 44 and came from a different generation where I wasn't expected to go to university, no one in my family did. As an adult I resented it, especially when I had children. I got into uni, but I could have done better, been encourage more etc etc.

I have 4 dcs now and I rarely ask them to help out (they are a bit young) and I am always really conscious of it. I'd take my cue from him, really. If you read larger family threads here from an adults perspective, many posters will say just this, they they had to take too much responsibility for siblings.

Thanks for sharing your experience and advice, imip. I've always included my oldest in childcare so he wouldn't feel left out, or that I spend more time with the little ones than him. But at the same time I don't want him to feel as though he's missing out on doing his own thing as he gets older, and I certainly don't want him to resent me for giving him too many responsibilities. It's a difficult thing to balance when you're a single mum with a big age gap between your children!

Have you spoken to him about it? Given him the choice as to whether he helps out or not? You say he hasn't refused to help out which indicates you are asking him to do things. He's at an interesting age developmentally and will be experiencing some hormonal changes now which might alter the way he feels about getting involved in physical care for younger siblings. I would just advise you to discuss how he wants to spend his evenings as he's getting older, no pressure either way.

My eldest is almost 12 and helps me quite a bit, things like holding ds in her arms if he's cranky and I'm trying to do the washing up or make a coffee etc. She will go upstairs for vests, etc. She will read a story to her younger sister and maybe help at bath time. She enjoys doing it but I reward her with things like her favourite magazine, occassional phone credit etc. I would be conscious of not getting her to do too much and I always make sure she has her own activities, time with friends, sleep overs etc.

My 12 year old (12 today actually) helps me with her 8 month old sister quite a bit and I think it's reasonable for her to take an active role and I believe it's encouraged bonding too!

I found it helped to pick a time frame in the day for her to have the baby and play while I get on with things so now she comes home from school and spends 20-30 mins with me and the baby as a family then at 5pm she takes the baby for 20 mins while I rush through some housework and Hoover.

In between times she does what she likes and can have alone time. I've found this really helpful and I can plan those 20 mins for little jobs I haven't managed in the day like folding laundry or cleaning the floor.

On weekends she may have the baby a couple of times in the day and helps with housework too. The girls have a lovely bond and we're all happy

I tend to give them the nice jobs. Cuddle baby while I deal with something - yes. Change nappy - no.

I sometimes ask them to watch younger sibs while I am out of visual range - but I make it clear that their role is to holler for me if I'm needed - and that any bad stuff is not their fault. I actively discourage them from acting as surrogate parents to each other.

One thing I struggle with is that the toddler has learnt that the older sibs are a soft touch for getting stuff for her, helping her do things she knows how to do. So I wouldn't ask them to help (or do it myself) but somehow they end up doing it anyway.

I have an older group and a younger group - and chores are shared out equally in the older group - though DD1 is much more competent than her brothers!

5children why not allow them to do nappies etc? It's good prep for later life! My 12yo does it no problem! I don't call it surrogate parenting

Nappy changing is just a job - I do t think either party get much more out of it than a clean bum. I prefer to get them to help with things that become shared experiences. For example - reading to each other, picking clothes for baby & cuddles so on.

The surrogate parents comment wasn't about nappies.

I've had trouble in the past where, for example, I had two of my DC in holiday club. The little one is cheeky, the big one tries to stop him being cheeky (ie disciplining them). Cue a much bigger problem.

So I always emphasise that they are each other's siblings not parents - and not to feel like they are responsible if their sibling decides to misbehave somewhere out of my influence.

Fair enough! Perhaps we have different experiences so far as I just have the 12yo and the baby.

My 10 year old dd helps a fair bit, I don't ask her to much she just does it. My 13 year old less so. I try not to put too much on them.

I have 6DC - ages 13, 10, 7, 5, 2 and 5weeks.

I am conscious of not asking older ones to help out with younger ones as don't want them to resent them and me. Usually though they just help out willingly especially with the new baby although that may be a novelty! My eldest can bath the younger ones, change nappies, dress them etc but I wouldn't expect it of her. The 10 and 7 year old are good at cuddling / keeping little ones amused. There is always one willing helper