Didn't expect to feel like this - "gender disappointment" after having dc4

[Needmorechocolate]

I wasn't sure where to post this so hope this isn't the wrong place. I'm hoping some of you on here with single gender larger families can give me some advice.

I've recently given birth to my fourth son. We didn't find out the gender when I was pregnant and, although I did think it would be lovely to have a girl, I was happy about the possibility of having another boy. In fact, some of the negative comments from others about the possibility of having four boys really used to annoy me and I could really see myself as a mum of 4 boys.

However, now DC4 has arrived and it is our fourth boy I feel a bit like I've been hit by a train with the emotions I'm feeling. It's not really that I am disappointed he is a boy (he is perfect and I am so grateful to have four healthy children) but it's more the realisation that I will never have a girl.

I was convinced when I was pregnant that this would be my last child and my OH does not want any more either. Now though I just feel quite lost and the thought of never having another child and never having a girl is really upsetting me.

The few times I've been out since having baby I feel like I will burst into tears when I see someone with a little girl. I have found myself googling about gender selection and having ivf abroad. I know it is completely ridiculous and I should be grateful for my wonderful boys but the reality that I will never have a little girl is hurting so badly. I really can't believe I feel like this and it's a bit unexpected so I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone in RL - how do you talk about it without sounding like a terrible mother who is "disappointed" with her new baby :-(

Please don't flame me for feeling like this. I am really hoping that some of you may have some experience of this. Do the feelings pass or will I forever feel sad that I never had a little girl. Could these feelings negatively affect my relationship with DS4?

please tell me this is just part of the baby blues and I'll be fine in a few weeks.

Hi,
I have lurked for many a year but felt moved to respond to your post. I am blessed with a larger family, though I have a mix of genders so don't have personal experience of what you are suffering.

I just wanted to say: be kind to yourself because you are suffering at this time when your emotions will be all over the place. You are being far too hard on yourself. Shame on anyone who makes you feel any worse than you already do.

I'm sure there will be others who do have more experience of what you describe. Four of my children are lovely, fun boys and occasionally, people throw me a ridiculous look of misplaced pity. I'm not exactly sure why, but I always give them an inkling of how lucky I feel to have them.

It's obvious you love your new baby, I'm sure your feelings needn't have a detrimental effect on that. Give yourself time. xx

I think I'd feel the same in your situation.

Let yourself mourn for those mother/daughter moments you'll never have.

Just think about the lovely dils you'll have in the future.

Id say that's normal too, I had 3 boys and although my 3rd was amazing and my bond with him was perfect I still had those same feelings.
It does go away yes but not entirely I'm afraid but life moves on and other stuff happens and the boys grow up and are hard work but funny.

Incidently I ended up in a secind marrisge and had two dds after a huge age gap so you never know

I have two lovely dils too, one is like a best friend x

agree with what others have said

on another note you may also have some lovely DD grandchildren one day (if you have four kids it's highly likely). :-)

I've been there. The first year - 18months were emotional and, like you, I could not openly talk about it to anyone other than my mum or DH. DH didn't understand it, mum was great though. I lied to HV, drs etc about my mental state as I could not bring myself to admit that I was sad not to have a daughter as well as my sons and just pretended that I was fine. In hindsight I think I may have had PND.

I looked at sites that you describe and eventually got it out of my system. I am, four years down the line, mostly at peace with it and incredibly grateful for my three fantastic and healthy sons. I am not a 'girly girl' so the whole 'someone to go shopping with (etc.)' was never an issue, but I always hoped for a little girl who might enjoy horse riding like I do and just for the experience of both genders. I would hope that if I had had three girls my feelings might have been comparable actually.

I find myself getting cross with friends who slag off their MILs/won't let them babysit as I don't want to be the second best grandparents in years to come, that sort of thing bothers me the most actually. I hope that the relationships that DH and I build with our sons and their future partners will negate such issues.

My advice is to talk to someone you can trust about it, or write it down (and burn it) as you need to work through it. I used to contemplate a fourth child but actually do not have the time or energy for one. It took me a while to get the broodiness out of my system though. I remember feeling that I had missed out on part of the experience of being a parent, experiencing the differences for myself. Funnily enough though my mum was a girl after 3 boys and was the biggest tomboy going so the 'differences' are not always that apparent!

With regard to your relationship with DS4 please don't worry. My DS3 and I have a very close bond and he is a real mummy's boy. This is despite me working through all these negative feelings for the first year or two of his life. It doesn't help that when you are at your most vulnerable with a new baby you will get insensitive comments about how 'you have your hands full'/'didn't you want a girl? (like you could choose!)' Those comments will also die down and as the personality of your new little boy emerges you will fall in love with him.

Please don't be hard on yourself. I have other friends who have been through this too, I suspect it is more common than we realise.

A lot of things don't turn out how we hoped and so much of parenting is making that adjustment from hope/expectation to reality. This has been true for the structure or my family and also for difficult paths which some of my children have taken. But you will rarely hear a parent expressing disapointment. In my view that way madness lies. Better to feel the sadness, mourn, talk to a few trusted people about it, and in time accept. That is very different from the unconditional love you have for each of your children and your family as a unit. Which will be awesome!

Ah thank you so much for your comments everyone. I think I was having a particularly bad day yesterday and the lack of sleep was catching up with me making everything seem worse!

Like you say littlemiss, it's the insensitive comments from others that don't help either. When I phoned a very close family member to tell them of DC4s safe arrival their first comment was "are you disappointed?" when I said we'd had another boy.

I do feel a bit more "normal" now reading your comments. I do absolutely adore my boys and DS4 really is just perfect so I just need to find a way to work through these feelings.

Wanted to just say that I feel for you OP. You cannot help the way you feel and it is perfectly normal. Like all disappointments it will fade though with time. Congratulations on your baby!

I had a similar experience. I have a 5 month old ds, my third dc. Similar but different in that's we have two boys and a girl. We are having no more. I had a difficult pregnancy and my mental health really suffered.

I swore and swore and swore I would never be pregnant again. Within about 2 days of having my perfect baby I felt huge grief that I would never do this again. I was working out ways having a fourth would work. I was reading threads on people having 4+. I was broody as hell. I was crying when he grew out of things. Kept him in his little cot too long, poor sausage was bashing his arms around.

Anyhow , 5 months on the grief is much much less. As that is what it is. You are grieving for not having a girl. It is no reflection that you wanted a girl or were expecting a girl or don't love your beautiful new ds with all your heart. It's just grief for something that will never be. Be kind to yourself. You are an experienced mum, but don't underestimate those hormones. Accept your feelings, put them out there and then let them go.

Ah bless you. I was having a conversation with my 15 year old daughter about the fact that we can't choose what sex we have. One of my dear friends has spent many a year doing boys stuff and now has two lovely DGD who she spoils and of course DDILs. You will also miss out on the awful teenage years of girls.....

It's totally normal!! I have a friend with three boys. I have boy, girl, boy. So when I had my second DC, my daughter, my friend was on her like a rash... so broody. With my youngest child, boy, my friend shows a very mild interest in him but not much. And I totally get it. She wanted a girl so badly. And her boys are her world but she's a bit 'boyed' out. :-D I think the same holds true for mothers with a pack of girls. They hold out for that boy. I even have my moments when I force myself to ignore the longings for another girl. I'd love another girl. Ironically, my boys are incredibly warm, cuddly creatures... they just exhaust the living daylights out of me. :-D

On a different note, you are grieving a bit because most of all, this is it for you (maybe). Baby number 4 is probably your last one (you never know though!). So it's probably more that reason, in a subconscious way, rather than gender. I even grieve because I would love one more girl! Of course I would. But I am older now, a bit past it at 43 so it won't happen. Hormones play a big part too. Not to sound cliche but they do fan the flames of emotion... what you're feeling is very real, but the post-partum hormones are like lighter fluid. They don't help.
I won't tell you 'Enjoy your baby' because I know you do!! I know you love that little guy and all of your little guys. As a mum, I get you. We all do.
My brother had all girls and then finally a boy came along. But I remember when another girl came along, he just shut down, he was so upset (not very nice to put his wife through that though!). But that little girl is now 9 years old and I daresay she's his little pet of the brood. :-)

When I phoned a very close family member to tell them of DC4s safe arrival their first comment was "are you disappointed?" when I said we'd had another boy.

Given that this is a close family friend, and not someone you barely know, I think she was opening up a space for you to talk about something that is quite common, but hard to say.

I think there is something about having your family complete that is quite a big step.

Before you have children you have an image of what you family will be like - my picture was quite vague, but it definitely had children of both genders (and they were all over 7, I now notice - I didn't imagine myself with babies or toddlers at all .)

But once you have had your children, one of the unknowns about your young life is now a known about your life. You don't have imagined children, you have real ones with names and personalities, quirks, identities of their own. They are people you know rather than daydreams.

Which is cool, but the possibilities of the daydreams are gone.

When you have children of one gender (as I do, too) that's another thing thing you now "know" about your life. "I will never have a daughter".

I think being sad for your "nevers" is separate from you joy at the new actual little boy you've just had.

Congratulations

Don't be hard on yourself. :)

I felt like this. I've only got two sons, but I felt similar. When I had my 20-week scan with DS2, they told me he was a girl at first and I burst into delighted tears! Then the poor woman had to say, "No, no, I'm so sorry, it's definitely a boy..."

I love having two boys now. When I hear about friends' DDs, it's lovely but girls are more of a handful IME. Boys are so straightforward.

I always thought I'd have four boys, so I'm envious of you! Four great big boys who'll look after you and make you laugh. It's going to be lovely.

I felt this way when I had DS3. It lasted a while; couldn't look at clothes catalogues with beautiful girls clothes etc.... Felt pretty sad sometimes. But now I have a much more balanced feeling about things. Having 3DS has been a great experience for me and I do love it, though also look forward to peace and quiet one day!
If I'd had a daughter, I would have missed out on having the all boy gang which I wouldn't want to miss as its really special.
Other people's silly comments really don't help just try saying "are you intending to be rude and hurtful?" To a few people and it might make you feel better.

Ahhh I don't have much to add as you've had some lovely and intelligent replies here, but I felt similar after DD2 was born. She was perfect but we'd always said two babies so her arrival also confirmed that I'll never have a son.

I come from a family of lots of boys and brothers, as does DH, and I'm not at all girly so had always imagined I'd have at least one of each, if not 2 boys.

Largely now, it doesn't bother me that I have 2 girls and won't have a boy ever. Gender feels irrelevant a lot of the time and I just think of them in terms of their own personalities.

I don't think we'll have a 3rd, it changes too much and requires too much compromise in our lives so I can confidently say I'm happy with my lot. But - but - a friend has just had a boy after 2 girls and it does make me wonder. I've got a bit of a paranoia about middle child syndrome which IME is more prevalent whey there are just 3 of the same gender, and my little DD2 I think is great as The Youngest, but might struggle as The One In The Middle. She might be ok as The Youngest Girl if we could guarantee we'd have a boy next, but we can't, so I don't know that I want to risk it.

Best wishes for coming to terms with everything.

I would think that it is very normal to feel like that and SO important to acknowledge it.

I would think of and focus on the positives of having 4 sons. I know that I look at certain people with sons and think how blessed they are (I have one son).

Be kind to yourself. Emotions and hormones are high right now, it's a difficult and vunerable time.

i think the fact that people ask 'are you disappointed?' just shows that it is completely normal to feel this way and if you admit that yeah, a little, you were hoping for a girl, then they will be really understanding and supportive.
Although i don't fully know what you are feeling as i have both girl and boys already, I am desperate for bump to be another little girl. I love my boys completely but do miss doing the pink princessy bits with my daughter who is now too old and too cool. I also worry i'm heading for a nervous breakdown if i have another son! the other 2 are completely superhero obsessed so are forever play fighting! I spend most of my time shouting 'be gentle' 'not so rough' 'get off your brother' etc.
Give yourself time, to grieve the daughter you don't have. it really is normal and don't bottle it up and pretend everything is ok if someone asks.

I understand and sympathise ... but my only daughter is so surrounded by 3 boys that she doesn't have many traditional female attributes.

I think I might feel like this too if I'd had four DC and they'd all been the same gender (whether that was boys or girls). I have two boys and there is a very small part of me that feels a bit sad that I'll never get to experience having a DD. Its not strong enough for us to have a third as neither of us have ever wanted more than two (DH would've stuck at one!), but I think most people would understand your feelings. Anyone who asks if you're disappointed though or whether you'd have preferred a girl is a cretin. I know this happens A LOT and I do wish people would think before they open their mouths with regard to DC and gender, etc.

I had 3 boys and when I was pregnant with my fourth I didn't find out the sex. I did get a girl for my fourth and of course was delighted. Like you I would have been happy with 4 boys but it would definately have been my last one and it would have been the thought not of having 4 bys but of not having a daughter that would have been devastating for me. So I completely understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling. try to ignre other people's comments.