DH wants another

[Lucyannieamy]

We have 2 lovely kids, DD just 5 and DS 2. When DD was born I absolutely knew we would have another, when DS was born I absolutely knew we were done. I sold my maternity coat and shed tears at the last time I BF him.

Now DH has said he really wants another- but, and, that it's my choice (of course). He's been dropping strong hints since DHs 2nd birthday but tonight he was very adamant we'd be better with 3.

I am strongly considering changing my opinion to go with his go for 3. Can't actually believe we're here, but truthfully I enjoyed 2 more than 1 and am pretty sure I can manage 3 (even though I work full time!) .

So, couple of things I'd love opinions on - if you were swayed by your DH, if you ever resented them for raising the idea (on the hard days)
And -if you ever told everyone you were done and then had to explain you were having another...

Thanks all

2 to 3 was a muvh easier transition than 1 to 2 for me.
Number 3 was a dream baby. Now the comedian of the family!!
So lovely that now I am trying for number 4 after saying I am done at 3!! Dc3 is 7 this year. First 3 all 2 yrs or less of a gap so people (esp my mother!) Will defo be like

Is he going to do 50/50 of the childcare/sick days/school events/wife work?

If you have an equal relationship and you can continue to work full time then sure have another if you want.

If he expects you to be his skivvy and do a second shift of childcare/housework after your working day then tell him where to go!

In the baby days 2 to 3 was an easier transition. My eldest two were just at school (in Wales so started earlier) they were collected and dropped home as we were rural. Now we've moved area i have three DC in three schools - a logistical drop off/ pick up nightmare, eldest is Autistic so this adds a level of complexity to things. Once youngest was out of a travel cot (she's 4 so this year really) we find it really hard to book hotel rooms and arrange breaks away. Many restaurants who do children offers its two free, likewise one child goes free with each adult often means we pay for a third ticket so its often costing 50% more to go out than with four of us rather than 20%. On holiday recently we struggled to find a taxi for five - where there were lots for four.

I love them all, i love the dynamic of three, i have no regrets, DH wanted/ wants a fourth but I want other things in life too and feel its just a stretch too far particularly as we have a small but adequate house and have already divided a room in two for the elder two.

Hmmm interesting question. My personal experience is that we both wanted number three so not much help. However I can say that fitting in number three has been a total joy and I love the dynamic we have. There are 6 years between dd2 and dd3 and 9 yrs between dd1 and dd3. In terms of explaining to people - well everybody assumed it was an accident because of the age gap when in fact she was the longest planned pregnancy of any of them (timed it to coincide with mat leave going up to 9 months!). So in your case I wouldn't bother with explanations and just let everybody assume it's an accident.

I have 4 and it was my dh who was most keen on number 4 and me who wasn't sure. Eventually discussions about having a fourth turned naturally into when and not if and at that point I decided we should just go for it!

I absolutely love having 4 and now feel complete. On a couple of very rare occasions in the 18 months since dc4 was born I have felt overwhelmed by the number of dc we have and the work involved I have never felt any resentment towards dh. I think that comes from feeling like the decision was joint in the end and dh gave me no pressure.

Regarding telling people that thought you were done - who cares! You have the prerogative to change your mind and that definitely shouldn't feature in your decision to have a third or not. You do not want to regret never having another just because you didn't want to tell people you've changed your mind.

As pp has said, I found 2-3 fine and if you love having more than one then I'd bet you'd love number 3 just as much.

Thanks for your replies. Athenaviolet, you make a good point, it is not 50/50. He is helpful, he's great in the kitchen cooking and cleaning where he probably does more, but I am the one that does 90% of the planning, remembering, organising, food, clothes, holiday, all the banking, childcare arrangements. And he does not do nights, or mornings really, but does do pick up and has them full time in August school holiday.

I guess that's what I meant about the potential of resentment on the hard days. Is it the case that the more children you have the more DH has to help out? Do your DH help more now?

My dh is much better now dc are a bit older. He couldnt cope with small dc and cook for example but now that our youngest is 6 he will cook and clean etc. The organising is ALL down to me however but i think that is just what works for us. I am the driver!!
I never resent my dh when dc playing up but often if dogs are being a pain i will say 'well YOU picked them, i never would have picked a xy or z!!!'

I dont think you'd regret a 3rd!

It would probably be better for you both to get out of the mindset of him 'helping' and seeing his unpaid work as him taking his responsibility for his family.

The 'not doing nights' thing has to stop. That has to be non negotiable if he wants another.

My dh doesnt do nights either. To be fair he worked full time when they were little and i breastfed exclusively so he felt helpless during night (and grumpy and tired, i cope better with getting woken)
It did piss me off and i have heard of others with partners who were fab at helping in the night which made me jealous no end. That said dh was good in other ways and his not doing nights wouldnt put me off another.

No way was I going to have 3 but number 2 was twins
.hard work but dynamics of three are fab. Choosing again prob not money ,house car but with experience it's great. Sorry not much help!

Don't focus on " baby no 3 ". All the baby care/nights etc are but a short time- though feel like forever!

Child /adult number 3 in the family? How does that feel to you?

I'll tell you the old gimmer point of view :

5 is a bloody inconvenient size of family! Even now with 21/19/16yr olds ( or maybe more now as its 5 adults). Rarely do family tickets cater, rooms in hotels don't like it, car buying is more interesting , holidays are much more expensive. Even sitting in " booths" in a cheap cafe is tricky.

You get used to it but still each child can't have an adult at the same time. If 3 need to go to 3 different places ( hobbies schools etc) at least 1 makes a solo trip or you cut yourself in half and someone is late.

BUT would I change it? Never. you learn to avoid the stress points. You camp in the UK rather than going abroad to a hotel, got to a greasy spoon caff rather than a chain diner for lunch in the rain in Wales etc. It is significantly more expensive that 2 though as they get bigger - yes hand me down clothes /bikes etc are " free" - biggest still needs a bigger bike after all so the baby gets the little bike and the middle one the bike they've just out grown ( never by gender specific colours of generic items- eldest girl had unisex PJs for a long time!)

Now, I still have my baby home with me when the other have flown the nest! Not that she's a baby. By the sheer force of having 2 older siblings she is older and wiser than her years. It's great!

BTW I recommend larger age gaps. Mine are 3 school years apart - I recommend it. 2 school years is a pain- all those clashing exams, though a friend of mine ( may be here , waves if she is) had her 1st 3 kids 1 school year apart- madness! A2 AS and GCSE concurrently!

On the flip side to what the person before me (sorry, can't remember your name - baby brain!) I like my small age gaps. I had our first at 17, I'm now 30 and am expecting our 9th. Dc1 will be 13 2 weeks before dc9s due date. They all have the same interests and play together.. Well in waves iykwim. I have 2 preteen girls, 2 junior school boys, a boy and a girl in infants and 2 boys under 3. Things are easier to hand down as they are still current and they don't argue over bedroom decorating/ toys/ tv/ game playing etc.

Not going to lie, it's hard work but I adore them all.
DH is one of 7 with 20 years between the oldest and youngest. DH Hates it, they don't get on and he wishes they were closer in age. My DM was the same with her siblings and 20 years between all. Half of them are NC.

My mum is one of 7 aswell missed that bit. MIL is also one of 7 (it's in our blood haha) and they are all close in age and get on so like best friends.