Feeling guilty

[KeepSmiling83]

I had DD2 2 weeks ago and am finding it really tough. DD1 is almost 4 and starts school this year. I feel like I have totally turned her world upside down and feel so guilty. She seems to be coping really well and it's only been a couple of times she has got upset because I haven't been able to do something with her because I've been doing something with DD2 (usually feeding her!) But I worry constantly how she is feeling and if she will hate me for having another baby.

I am an only child so am not used to having siblings and can't understand the benefits as well as others who have brothers or sisters. I also feel sorry for DD2 as I should be enjoying every minute but am just questioning what we have done which is an awful thing to feel. I love her and feel so guilty that this time is different to when I had DD1 and everything centred around her. I guess I just didn't realise how easy having 1 was!

I know 2 children isn't a large family but I was hoping you would tell me I'm being crazy and that having siblings is great and I haven't ruined everyone's lives!

I'm not getting lots of sleep as I'm breastfeeding but just find myself feeling teary all the time. I really just want to enjoy this time but am finding it so hard!

This probably isn't supportive but I think it needs saying. You clearly feel apologetic and 'guilty' for having another child and are trying to pacify your DD. Even if she doesn't understand this she will consciously absorb these feelings and potentially, this could engender negative feelings in her towards the baby.

You haven't turned her world upside down at all! This should be a celebration for all of you, and viewed and talked about in this way. It's a positive blessing and if you don't see it in this way then I wonder if you are perhaps suffering some PND? Might be worth a word with either the HV or your doctor.

Op I feel similar and my dc are 4, 3, and 7 months.

I think it's normal and i am always aware of the need for quality 121 time with each child for me and them ( and even any combination of 2! ).

I feel guilty as almost everyone I know has 1 dc aged 4 or 5 and when I see how much and how easily they've days out or holidays etc I worry my dc loose out on that.

However as my 2nd and 3rd are older I have seen the benefits and i also feel sorry for the only Children. Seeing your dc grow and play together is the best thing in the world and I promise in time you will not feel the same guilt :)

Hi op. I'm an only child too, and I have 3 children. Dd 8, ds1 4 and ds2 16 months.

You totally haven't ruined your dd's little world! It's really early days for you and it takes time for everyone to get used to the new routine, but you'll all get there.

My dh is one of 3 and he laughs at me when I tell him the things that go on during the day with the kids - he says it's normal sibling stuff. I don't have a clue

It's the best thing ever to see them grow and form their own bond and develop their relationships.

We're planning ttc number 4 soon

Thank you for the replies.

I am really hoping that once DD2 is a bit older and can interact with DD1 more then I will see all the benefits you've talked about.

I have wondered about PND. I remember having baby blues with DD1 but can't remember how long they normally last for and how you know it's PND rather than hormones? But midwife is coming out next week so I may mention it to her.

Thanks again!

I think the transition from one to two do is the hardest.
Dd1 is old enough to be involved with dd2.. Now. She can help bath, read with her, go on days out. Breast feeding is great, embrace the freedom it gives you. Go to the park, go on days out. Dd1 will soon realise you can share your time.
Also it's a great time for dh to get involved. Spend more time with dd1. Special time. Just not too much or she won't want to get involved and will still resent dd2.
Really it will be fine.
Enjoy, soon they will be running round together x

it is still really early days, it WILL get better - I say this as someone who had twins so went from 1 to 3 DC!

i used to make sure feeding time was also reading time - as soon as the DTs needed feeding I'd get DC1 to get a book and i would read while they fed.

get out as much as you can - newborns sleep so well in the pram so go to the park/feed the ducks etc, things that make DD2 a 'background feature' if you like. sounds awful written down but i mean do things that DD1 likes and DD2 is just coming along for the ride.

without sounding too harsh you also need to get your head round the fact that babies do not need cooing over 24/7. if DD2 is clean and fed, put her on a playmat/cot/bouncer and do something with DD1. if baby starts fussing a little bit say 'you'll have to wait a minute DD2, I'm finishing this with DD1' - bit controversial i guess but when you have multiples you learn that sometimes you don't have enough hands and a baby will have to cry for a bit until you get there - they survive.

one thing i became conscious of is vocalising things to make DC1 feel they were all equal - obviously DC1 would be told off every so often for something so i made sure that i 'told off' the babies too - "oh baby, you were sick all over mummy - how naughty!" obviously in a sing-song voice - the result is baby doesn't understand the words anyway and DC1 felt that they were more equal rather than 'baby can do no wrong because its a baby' as adults we understand that but small children don't.

have you got other family around who can help? i agree with previous posters that getting DH to do some special daddy/daughter bonding is important. i know you're BF which makes leaving baby hard but can you try and have some time just with DD1? when mine were BF i would feed them, put them in the car and get DH to drive with them for an hour or so - babies would sleep happily and i would get some uninterrupted time with DC1.

it will get easier i promise but please speak to your HV or GP if you're feeling really down.

Thank you so much for the replies! DD2 is 7 weeks now and I'm feeling much better than I did. I am managing to spend some time with DD1 so am not feeling as guilty!

At what point does it get a bit easier managing 2 though? DD2 still feeds a bit and she really fights sleep so can cry quite a lot which upsets DD1. I can't wait for the days when they can play a bit together although I don't want to wish away my squidgy baby too quick!!