Over thinking about having baby no3 is getting me down.

[sugarplumfairy28]

I think I just need to get this out somewhere, possibly where someone might understand.

So here it is, before we had children we had a rough 'plan', overall we wanted 3 children, with no massive ages gaps between them, so nothing more than 4 years something like that. We have DS who is 6 and DD is 4 next month. Neither of them were planned planned so to speak. We decided that we wanted each of them in the fairly near future, and became generally less careful if you like. About 3 years ago we also decided that we were going to emigrate, better life etc. The time scale for that changed somewhat and not completely within our control, it became a now or never thing and we emigrated last July. So now we live in Germany. We currently have a 3 bed flat above my parents 1 bed flat. We have plans, which may take some time, to expand in to our part converted loft, which itself can accommodate 4 bedrooms and a bathroom. For now though the house isn't what I had hoped for.

Up until we moved my parents played a massive part in childcare as both hubby and I worked full time, my mother basically (in several very serious chats) forbid me from having another one. Until now it hasn't really bothered me as we had other things going on before considering baby 3. I have a massive phobia of medical things, both the children were born at home, however DD's birth wasn't pleasant and it has taken until now for the pain mist to set in.

For the last few months I have been brooding and trying to mull things over in my head. Is it the right time, are we settled enough, how is pregnancy dealt with here, can we afford to go out and buy all the baby bits again, can the current living situation cope with another baby. I know that we want number 3, but now I've made it feel so sterile and different to DS and DD that I feel so confused, it's getting me down and upset.

Any words of wisdom?

You decided you wanted three children a long time ago. Is it possible you actually don't want a third child deep down, but you feel like you have to stick to the original plan?

If you could try and find out what you really and truly want that would be a help. If you're not sure then it isn't a good idea. Some people say the broodiness never goes away. So you could have a third child and then get broody again. And if childcare is going to be a problem then that has to be taken into consideration.

No I don't think so, it wasn't just a random number there was always a meaning and reason behind it, and I still stand by that reason, the why hasn't gone at all. The things that are getting me worked up are would we need a bigger car, would one of the children mind sharing their bedroom, where do I actually buy baby stuff from, if we conceived now that would be mean a baby in December is that such a good idea. None of which on face value should impact on the actual decision.

Can you afford childcare? Your mother has clearly stated she won't do it, so you will need to play for that or be a Sahm.

Oh childcare isn't a problem now, I'm now a stay at home mum and DH works full time. So really it's not something my mum needs to have any input in.

With both the children, we found out I was pregnant and we've just gotten on with whatever we need to do. DS was difficult as we were still living with my parents, so we needed to find somewhere to live and get all the baby stuff in. With DD we had to educate our employers (we worked for the same company) as they'd never had a pregnant woman in the company before. So with both the children we've had unexpected things to deal with, but it was a case of needs must. I know we want number 3, I guess before we never looked at the possible things that need doing in advance it was always a case of we just need to do it.

Just because you planned 3 doesn't mean you have to have 3.

I do t think many people have the number of DCs they thought they would.

I think you need to just go for it. You sound like you're trying to control everything too much.

If you know that you want number 3 - then don't worry about all the organisation now. All those things will fall into place.

I always wanted 3 and now have 2. I'm driving myself crazy trying to decide whether I do still actually want number 3 or if I'm just trying to stick to my original plan.

Do you think a third would be a good thing for your number 1 and 2 children?

I think I am overthinking it all to be fair. I used to work full time, and had a lot more on my mind to keep my brain ticking over. At the moment my daily routine is hard work, but not really hard thinking and I have a lot more time to stew on things.

For example DS's birthday is January, so ideally not having 2 in that month would be better, getting pregnant now means end of November which is right on top of Christmas, so that's ideal either. But in the grand scheme of things I did't choose that DS and DD would be January and April so does it really matter? Money wise, here in Germany their desperate for people to have children, so the benefits are huge compared to the UK, not just money but hubby would get more time off, family cars are cheaper, more child friendly activities etc.

My whole thinking is based around how I grew up, I have one brother, and although I love my brother, due to problems he has had over the years we don't have a typical relationship, it's more mother/son or a carer role. I spent much of my childhood feeling like an only child, if he didn't want to play, or during school act like my big brother I had no-one else, no one-one else to confide in to share things with.

I don't want to have 2 children who have this pressure to solidify their relationship with eachother to ensure sibling love. I want to have 3 so there is the option that if one doesn't want to play the other might. If we have another boy that my daughter has 2 brothers to watch out for her, to help her when she is older, one either side would be nice. If we have another girl, the girls might have that sisterly love and maybe one day be best friends, and give our son a sense of responsibility in being their big brother.

Don't get me wrong I know life doesn't always pan out like that, but when I think of what I want for my children and what I want to provide for them, it's this opportunity.

Ah - that's lovely sugarplum. I wanted to know because I worry about the downsides of being one of three. I worry about one always being left out.

You have put it very differently to how I've been thinking.

I think you should stop thinking and worrying and just go for it. x