Is it silly to go for a small age gap when I know it'll be tough?

[Chickenandpenguin]

Hi
We currently have two ds- 3.2 mths and 21 mths and are deciding when to have a third. Things are good now and so easy compared to a year ago. I keep googling and sll I read is how awful 3 under 4/5 is. I'm quite keen to start trying now so eldest would be nearly 4 and youngest 2 and a half (if we got pregnant straight away). I worry that the first two have such a close gap it'd be unfair on the next to be too much younger. I also like the idea of them being close in age for holidays/activities etc I'm also 35 so time isn't too much on my side. But then i worry it'll be horrendous and think I should wait 6mths/a year. What are your experiences of gaps etc? I'd really appreciate your thoughts.
I know 3 isn't that large btw :)

I have 3. There are 16 months between eldest and middle one, and 2-years-9-months between middle and youngest (so eldest turned 4 the month before youngest was born).

Like you, I didn't want to wait too long to have a 3rd when the elder two were so close in age as I felt she would be left out. I was also 35. I found it easier going from 2 to 3, than from 1 to 2. Perhaps because of the bigger age gap. Youngest spent lots of time chilling out in a sling very happy whilst I did the school run etc. She didn't sleep well for ages (17 months to sttn), which was tough, but I don't think it would have been significantly easier if she'd been born 6/12 months later.

17 mths until they sttn?! Oh God poor you. There is a huge part of me that is so scared of s 3rd baby because of the sleep thing.
How old are yours now? Has the youngest started to join in with the older ones yet?

I have exactly those gaps. Dc1 was 4.3, dc2 was 2.9 when dc3 was born.
Personally I found the transition from 1 to 2 the hardest, especially as dc2 was a rubbish sleeper. So, for us it all worked out, although it was obviously bloody hard work and a real grind at times. Now they are older (8.2, 6.8 and 3.11) things are a lot easier and, as you are thinking, there are still plenty of activities and days out that we all enjoy together. When they were younger, we split up a lot at weekends to take them places, but since dc3 turned 2ish, we do a lot together.
One key thing is support - we have grandparents nearby to help with school runs if one is ill for example. Do you have friends/family to give you a hand? Good luck with your decision, I really like that we went for them so close .

Chicken - I had three aged 4 and under. There's 21 months between ds1 and ds2, and 2 years between ds2 and ds3 - and whilst it was tiring and hard work, I felt it was a good age gap to have.

I think that, with each child, you learn more shortcuts, more tips and tricks to make life easier - and then you apply those when the next baby comes along. I genuinely found it easier to go from two children to three than I did to go from one to two, and it was easier to go from one to two than to go from none to one.

Mine are now just turned 7, 5.5 and nearly 3.

Yes, they all play together now. Youngest very much wants to do everything her big siblings are doing, and it has been that way for a while.

No grandparents nearby, but good friends that I can ask to take one to school if another is ill etc.

I don't think it's horrendous if you go into with an awareness that there is at least the possibility it might be challenging in a variety of ways for the next few years. We have a middle of the road kind of gap 2y5m then 2y1w so almost 4y5m between eldest and youngest. It's never been awful but I have found it quite restrictive even though the gaps aren't tiny at all. At the same time they're not close enough in age to have developed that extra close bond you sometimes see in siblings with small age gaps or to be at such similar developmental stages that finding shared activities is easy.

The seemingly little details have made quite a difference for us though, ds went to school when dd1 was 18m old (because he has the last birthday or the academic year he went 3 days after he turned 4). That has made the age gap between 1&2 seem larger than it is, the effect of that hasn't gone away yet although it's changing now dd1 is at school. Didn't seem like a big deal at the time but now I realise they never got that block of time at home to build more of a relationship as two children as oppose to a pre schooler and a baby. The potential of that came to light when dd1 and dd2 had an extra year at home together.

From a personal PoV I wanted to get most of the baby part over with in a relatively short time, in hindsight I think I might have gone for closer gaps for our family. Or bigger ones so it was practically easier..

Having the oldest in school full time by the time 3rd comes along is worth considering: pros- youngest 2 get some time together, and you've only got 2 to deal with during the day, cons - school run might be challenging with a newborn.

I waited, as I thought another would tip me over the edge !

I had similar gaps, from choice (17m then 2y8m, so 4y 1m between all 3). I don't think it's "tougher" - obviously there's a tough phase when they are tiny and close in age but IMO it then becomes easier with small gaps as they get older.

Things I found easier about small gaps:
You're still in the baby/toddler zone, so they are very compatible for activities/holidays etc.
You're used to being exhausted.
You come out of the baby/toddler/sleep-deprived/nappy stage sooner having got it all over with.
Our dc have always been very good company for each other. Less need for separate activities, less need to find other companions, though they are all sociable we don't need to go and find extra children for company.

Thanks for the helpful replies. I had wondered about the school thing for eldest. That's one of my motivations for getting it done now I think as my eldest will be going to my school. So if I had baby in dec time then return to work the following sept as eldest starts reception. So the transition would be easier for him at least! Probably a daft reason though really. My youngest is a July baby so follows the year after so he'd get 18mths with a baby whilst the eldest would only get a short time before school started so that would effect their relationship I guess.
I'm quite keen to get the baby bit done I think, I hated it second time round. I really struggle with no sleep. No support from family, good friends but wouldn't rely on them for childcare. Our nursery are great though. It's so hard to make s decision as I'm worried I'm being dictated by baby making hormones than common sense!!

My 2 dc only turned 2 and 4 when dc3 arrived and as they are both oct born eldest didn't start school until dc3 was 1 so had the first year with all 3 at home(dc1 had 2.5 days at preschool) and i have to say it was (has been) the hardest year of my life. Dc3 is 15 month now and i feel completely ran down. Its only recently that i had some proper rest that i realised that i have been feeling so down stressed because of tiredness. If i could choose again i would leave another year gap so have dc3 when other 2 are 3 and 5. I think that way you could enjoy some of dc3 and still close enough in age that they form a close bond good luck

I had 3 under 2 for a couple of weeks. ds1 was born 2 weeks before dd1 1st birthday.. And dd2 was born the day before ds1 1st birthday. It actually wasn't as hard as I thought it would be (probably why I have 6 now)

Given the age gaps of your 2dc any 3rd is going to be 3 academic years younger than dc2, am I getting that right? So once the early part was done, before dc1 starts school, it would only be another year from then when dc2 goes to school. Practically that might make things easier for you in the parenting sense.

Didn't phrase that very well, I mean the manic period of bad sleep, toddler madness and general effect of lots of little kids at home full time would be relatively short! A lot depends on what you find the most challenging though, I find that bit challenging, so I'm focussing on that. I have a close friend who finds sending them to school challenging so would find that aspect of your age gaps difficult.

That's a very good point ihateparties, I hadn't thought of school for dc3 and the gap in terms of academic years. I hate the baby stage really so I think it'd make sense to get it done. Though working makes a good point about having time to enjoy the baby if we wait a bit. Hmmmm choices!

If you think you can do it, then I'd keep the gaps small and as even as possible.

It sounds like you have decided already. Good luck!

I had three in three years (DC 3 was born two days after DC1s 3rd birthday). I distinctly remember having time on my hands as DC3 would nap and 1&2 would nap/have quiet time.

It's physically tough, but when you are in it, it's fine. I look back now in amazement that I ever did it, and I wouldn't do t any differently.

I agree with the poster who said 1 to 2 was more difficult.

We even flew long haul with them when DC3 was almost two and I was PG with DC4 and it just wasn't a problem.

My DDs are older now 9 & 10 with15 months between them. Mostly very good. DSD is also 1 day younger than my 9 YO. So 3 in 15 months and it's mostly a blessing. DSS is 6. When they are close together I think it takes years to get back to normal tiredness wise but it's good overall. 3 teenage girls is a terrifying prospect though.

I'm expecting our 9th and the 2 current youngest have only 11 months between them. The baby will be born before the youngest is 2, so I'll have 3 under 3 for a while and then obviously 3 under 4 and a half for a good while after.

I have relatively small age gaps between all of mine and I don't think it's hard work at all.. But then it could be because I'm just used to it and that how our family is.. ??

When I had my third my eldest was 3 and 2 months. Honestly it's not that bad

Thanks for all the replies. We decided to just go for it and I'm about 6 weeks pregnant :) eldest will be 3.11 when this one is born (assuming all ok obviously) I'm scared now it's a reality but excited too.

Oh congrats!

I had 4 in 5 years and 2 months. My first three (singletons) were born in just over three years. The three I coped with well, but no 4 we found very difficult. They are now 8, 6, 5 and 3 and life has been getting easy, albeit a new 'easy'.

I also had my dcs between the ages of 35 and 40. So there was no question about the small gaps (19, 20 and 22 months) I guess you just have to remember at some point it does all end and try to enjoy the good moments! I feel less harassed than I used to. Sleeping was hell! Odd are with4 we still have regular night time wakenings (eg, nightmares, as they stop wearing nappies but are woken up needing to the to the toilet, illness etc), but for a while the it was really relentless.

Glad I did it though. Have gained lots of insight and wisdom from this section as I had a shitty upbringing and I hope wisdom on here has made me a better mum!

I found my closest gap, 15 months the easiest if I'm honest. other gaps are 21 months, 2 and half years, 5 years and 9 years

I have 4 DC. 12 month gap between 1 and 2, 13 month gap between 2 and 3, and 18 months between 3 and 4. So I had 4 children aged 3.5ish and under at the start.

For me it is a good way to do it. We never 'got our lives back' so to speak, just ploughed on with it! And for the children they have similar interests and are easier to entertain as a group than if they had been more spread out. I am also hoping it will help them be closer as siblings but only time will tell - the eldest is only 5, so we have a way to go!

I know such small age gaps aren't for many but for me, I would do it the same again.

In fact, that's not true. I would have a smaller gap between number 3 and 4. I wish it was 12/13 months rather than 18 months. Seems to big to me!!

I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and a 1 year old. I posted alot on the internet when my 2nd was a baby, circumstances were different, I had no help, I was very ill and very lonely. It was an awful, awful time. However now things are much better, I live close to my mum

Opps! I have support from friends and family and my health is so much better.

In all honesty I have found the people who find it the hardest are the ones searching for help and posting on the internet and thoes who aren't finding it difficult are jusy getting on with it! Don't Base your decision on something that is and always will be biased