Fourth pregnancy and alone... help :(

[Neverending3]

I am 30 years old, I have a 10 year old ds, a 2 year old ds and an 11 month old ds. 10 year old different father - he's never been in picture.

My fiance left me on the 3rd January this year, and 7 days later I took a pregnancy test, yep, positive. I have told him; he hasn't come home nor has he told me what he is planning on doing. He has only seen our sons twice since leaving. (It was totally his decision, he left in the middle of the night without my knowledge.) Our youngest ds was unplanned and I suffered pre-natal depression which is still being treated. Depression haunts me every day.

Obviously this pregnancy is also unplanned... I have no idea how I am going to cope if my dp doesn't come home. My ds has severe behavioural issues and as of yet she has been undiagnosed (that's a long story) and this adds to the stress. Contemplating mother having her as I can't cope with her. How do I deal with three under 3? That's mad. And the morning (all day and night) sickness is horrendous, but I don't want to terminate this pregnancy.

Anyone out there in a similar situation???

Yes. That is mad. I never post on threads like this but I am sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation. I am angry that your fiance has turned his back on you and two babies and is running away from the pregnancy too.

I worry about your post, having ongoing depression and 3 under 3 and a ten year old that you want send to live with your Mum (I think she needs you..) :-( You need more support than that in your situation.

Can you talk to someone IRL like a GP or such? How far along are you?

I meant your 10 year old DC needs you, not "your Mum needs you" of course.

I am not sure how far along I am yet, but I would hazard a guess at 6/7 weeks.

We went to the gp in December 2013 for help with behavior (we found out she had been abusing our eldest son) but they ignored us and told us just to keep them separate. Second DS born February 2014 and we were told just to keep her away from him too. That is when DD started making allegations regarding us both, my dp and I, social services are involved, and as a result all three children are on protection plans - DD for emotional abuse as we kept her separate from her brothers (because this is what the gp said) and DSs for likely emotional abuse as they are witness to DSs behaviour.

She needs one to one parenting. Trust me, this isn't something I am taking lightly, but this situation is hard enough as it is without a fourth child.

GP has me on antidepressants, but I can't go to them too often as they feed back to social services and they threaten me with putting my DD into care, which I really don't want.

*witness to DSs behaviour

I really don't have any advice but my goodness you need a hug Do you have much support in RL? Your fiance is being extremely selfish leaving you in limbo. I do hope he gives you some answers soon. In regards to your DD you obviously are the best person to make this decision so as hard as i imagine it is try not to feel guilty with what ever it is you decide.

Thank you mammaof4girls, I really do need a hug! If my mum does have my DD, she will only be able to if she moves away somewhere cheaper so she can stop working. My mum is currently my only support (there a handful of people I can text, but ranting isn't the same as someone coming to your house and helping you put the kids to bed.) If she does have DD, I will be losing out on her support, and although I know that DD will be receiving what she needs, could I cope alone unsupported with three under 3? What will social services say? Will they try to take the boys away from me if I can't deal with DD? I can't talk to them or the GP as they'll then take DD into care...

It's all a huge mess and I'm struggling. DP needs to come home regardless, the boys are his responsibility too, and I didn't get pregnant on my own!

I don't know where you stand with social services or your gp but it seems so wrong that you're struggling and are worrying if you do ask for help that your children might be put into care.

Has your fiance said why he left? is it something you can work on or have couples therapy for (If you want him back that is!)

I feel angry for you. Men can be so incredibly selfish.

He said the main reason he left was that he couldn't cope with DSs behaviour anymore, but he also isn't sure how he feels about me and wants to concentrate on work.

The more I type the more I am beginning to realise what a jackass he is actually. I just don't know how I would cope alone (I know I am alone right now but how much harder will it be with four kids?)

He is coming over to see me tomorrow (he said he couldn't come this evening due to work) so we can talk further, but it is all in his control - he has the upper hand and I feel like I am in limbo, even though he is the one who left. Why would you leave your children, especially at the ages our DSs are. Doesn't he care? I didn't expect him to come running back when I told him I was pregnant but I did expect a little bit more from him than two texts a day!

I think the 1st things you need to sort out are your plans with DD. I imagine it will take time if you decide for her to live with your mum.

Then you need to go to the GP and discuss your medication for depression as you may need to change which ones you take while being pregnant (obviously the gp will tell you being off meds is best but there are several which you can take that are known for being safer during pregnancy.)

I think as scary as it may seem you ahould contact social services as it will be better this information coming from you rather than them finding out via the hospital.

You can do this by yourself. It will be harder but your fiance clearly has higher priorities in his life. You dont need him. You deserve so much more than someone who would walk out in the middle of the night without discussing his issues to focus on his career.

Damn it just seems so final. It obviously would have been better had he just not left and right now, although I know deep down what you're saying is true, I really feel like I need to give this relationship everything I have, you know?

I have a gp appointment in Tuesday, they couldn't fit me in beforehand. The medication i am taking was prescribed whilst I was carrying DS2 so at least I know it is safe to use in pregnancy.

I am hoping this evening he will be able to give me some answers so I know what I am doing. I know I shouldn't have him back, he isn't the greatest ever, but he's a part of my family and I know it could be great if only he let it be.

Yeah, so he isn't coming back. He was here for less than half an hour. He refused to come earlier to see DSs. I told him how unimpressed I was that he had only seen DSs twice since leaving, and it sort of escalated from there. He said he doesn't love me anymore, he said he doesn't like me anymore, he said I am pathetic, and he said if I miscarry it would be the best thing.

I was alone and scared pregnant with my fourth. My oldest and youngest ended up 4 days shy of 10yrs apart in age. I didn't think I would be able to do it on my own. But guess what?! I did it! I raised my 4 children for several years without the help of their father. I had to work 2 jobs to do it but my DC are better off than if he had been in their lives. I'm glad he didn't bother to be a part of their lives. I married my present husband when my youngest was 4 yo. We have been married for 4 yrs now and my DC and I have been happy and my wonderful DH is dad to all our kids. (We have a mine and yours situation with the DC.). We have 5 children living at home still. So, I have faith in you!!! You can do it. And succeed at it!!! Remember God won't give you more than you can handle!

oh hun what a horrible thing for him to say. i hope you are ok as can be today.

Wow, I find it irresponsible when posters come on here and say they were able to pull it off so everyone must be able to pull it off bringing up 4 kids on their own...

Guys, this is someones life and the OP is in a very tough situation,

• a challenging DC1 which will feel pushed out of the home by the new baby
• social services already involved
• ongoing depression
• two under 2 already
• and a partner is not in the picture

OP, all this is not your fault and you have some really hard decision to make. You need to do what is best for your existing children and for yourself. And you know you have options as well regarding this pregnancy. Best to talk to your GP.

from me too.

Thank you mammaof4girls & martha. I just don't want to feel alone and coming on here really helps me feel not so alone. It is hard to speak to family and friends as they always try to advise me, sometimes I guess you just need to spill it out and typing it helps.

I feel like complete crap if I am to be honest, 9 years of my life just wiped out because he decided to go, but then to be nasty on top of that... I keep seeing his cocky face laughing at me :( I don't want those memories :(

I haven't heard anything since, not that I was expecting to, but I suppose I am a bit baffled that he just doesn't seem to be interested in our DSs? He said he would fight me if I didn't let him see them, but I haven't stopped him! He seems to be ok with knowing he walked out?

I know a termination is an option, I would feel so guilty though, I don't want to look back in 30 years time and blame him for me not going ahead with the pregnancy, yet if I don't terminate I'll find myself in the same position as Martha said, except I will have three under 3?!?!

Do I message him? Do we need to talk? How do I make sure he sees his DSs?

martha i dont think any one came on here and said it would be easy. i certainly didn't. i just think with what the OP has said her partner isnt coming back. should we tell her its all doom and gloom without a man? sometimes it really isnt!

I wish i could help with some sort of advice but i cant. The decision to keep or terminate your pregnancy is something only you can decide. Also wish i could give your ex a slap because of the choices he is now making you face.

What ever you decide to do will be the best thing for you and your children and you have to believe that. your not in the wrong here.

Never-have you spoken to social services? You should be honest with them and ask them to sign post you, contact other support services for you.

Hopefully the anti depressants will work(once gp gives you them though know they can take some time) and you may begin to feel you can cope more with the children. You have to speak to your gp and your/the childrens social worker.

What are social services saying about your eldest? Are they able to offer her counselling or CAMS or some other help?

Hope you are ok.

Contact Homestart to ask for help. They can send a volunteer into your home to help you.

You will most likely qualify for 2 yr old funding, which means the term after their 2nd birthday your DC will get 15 hrs a WK at preschool, for free. Ask your local press school or Sure start Centre for details.

Your Health Visitor and SureStart Centre should both be able to signpost you to get help and advise on benefits.

Stay calm, get help from one of the suggestions I gave and get them to help you timetable your days, to make it manageable for you. [Smile]

Should say pre-school, not press school.

I miscarried in March and couldn't come on here to inform anyone as it was too painful. My dd is currently living in foster care and her bio father has returned from obscurity and is demanding custody. This is a whole new battle that I am facing but I am doing ok and I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words back in January as I really did feel completely alone. I have my two sons at home with me and they see their father on a regular basis now. Things have gotten slightly easier in that respect.

Thank you all again x

so sorry to you for the loss of your baby. Hope you are okay. It's good DSs are spending some time with their dad to give you a bit of a break. Hope things with DD get better xox

Thank you NotEmptyNow x x