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Would like a large family but DH doesn't
3

BadPenny · 22/08/2014 22:02

Help me please - I have two DC and they are brilliant - I would like a couple more. DH is not keen. I am trying very hard to see it his way because I believe both of us would need to agree on this... but it is SO hard.

I feel like people must feel when they desperately want a baby except that I have them already so why do I feel like this? (I wasn't really desperate before - just took it as it comes.) At the moment I'm telling myself I will give it a year, at which point if I still feel the same, I will need to do something - but how can I bring this up again with DH?

Don't know if trying to persuade him would be a good idea... we didn't really discuss this kind of thing before we got together except in a general sort of 'well, might be nice to have children one day' way.

Can someone maybe tell me the downside of having 3 or 4? At the moment I can't speak to anyone about it really because at work it would definitely be a career limiting move and my mother is on DH's side and says it's up to him, and my good friends don't live in this country...

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MaryWestmacott · 22/08/2014 22:16

I thought I wanted 3 dc, but dc2 is now 14 months and sadly I'm coming to terms with the idea we are done. For us, it's a combination of things, but mainly finances, we are going to struggle to give 2 the lifestyle we want, 3 (or more) would make that impossible. Emotionally, I already feel dragged in two directions, a 3rd would make that worse and I'm not sure how you give them all a good deal of attention and 1-1 time with 3+.

What I do struggle with is not so much not having another older child, but knowing I'm never going to be pregnant again, never having name conversations, never having a baby again. So actually acknowledging it's the pregnancy and baby stage id like again makes it easier, because a 3rd would only quench that desire for a relatively short period, then they'd be a toddler and I'd still have to deal with the "never again" feeling.

I know a 3rd would make my existing dcs lives harder, they would have less opportunities and less time with me/DH. That has helped focus my thoughts because it's a selfish thing I want, however if you are in a better position financially that might not be a consideration for you.

It has also helped that I recently spent time with a friend who has a 6month old dc3, her older dcs are playing up like mad trying to get her attention and she's finding 3 a lot harder than 2.

Ultimately, if your DH doesn't want more and you want to stay with him, that's it, you're done. An unwanted child would be unfair on everyone, including the child.

Think about why you want a 3rd/4th, if those babies would make you feel done, or if it's the baby stage you want, in which case, another one or two children won't stop that.

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BadPenny · 22/08/2014 22:33

MW thank you! That's really helpful, especially "It has also helped that I recently spent time with a friend who has a 6month old dc3, her older dcs are playing up like mad trying to get her attention and she's finding 3 a lot harder than 2."

I need to find someone like this! Money is no issue so that makes it harder I think.

I find the 2 I have really incredibly sweet - hard work! - but so lovely. I think part of me thinks there must be economies of scale... and why stop now when I'm just getting the hang of this parenting thing? I was close to my only sibling but always wanted more so I think the wish for a big family has subconsciously been with me for a while.

Maybe it will go away - I really hated being pregnant so maybe I can focus on that too.

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princesscupcakemummyb · 27/09/2014 08:57

i have 3 children and mine is the other way around my dh wants another and we are ttc number 4! having 3 does make it a tad more difficult but i love having 3 children and getting excited about adding number 4 to the clan

pro's of 3 children

*their is never a dull moment
*they will always have someone to play with
*they learn to be more patient

cons

time is more consuming
2 school age children and a baby makes it a tad harder
less time together as a couple


but you know something i wouldnt ever change it for the world

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