Unexpectedly pregnant with no5, what to do

[MurtleTheTurtle]

Oh dear. I didn't want children when I was younger, I was (and still am really) very selfish and I suppose I didn't want my lifestyle affected.

Dd1 was a surprise but I knew I had to keep her as soon as I found out. Ds followed a couple of years later and things were really hard - DH worked a lot and I struggled on my own for much of the time.

Fast forward a few years and DS3&4 came in quick succession, vey much planned. Now life is easier, I am calmer, more organised and I find things much easier. Only I have just found out I am expecting no5 - we were being careful but the baby is only 15 weeks and toddler 18 months and it just seems so frightening.

DH absolutely doesn't want a 5th, mainly I think as he is looking forward to putting baby days behind us and getting on with our lives.

I'm so torn, could I terminate a pregnancy having carried and nurtured 4 babies. Is it fair to the other children to carry on, especially if my husband ends up resenting me for the rest of our lives?

I work full time (good hours though) and have a nanny and there is a chance she wouldn't want to care for 3 under 3 as well as after school care for the older DC.

Other thoughts include - I've had 4 healthy babies, would I be so lucky 5th time around, would we ever go on holiday again etc money is ok but obviously with 5 there would be less to go around.

It's all such a mess. Has anyone been in a similar position and how did they reach a decision?

Dear Murtle, only you can make this decision, but good luck with whatever you choose.

The thing that strikes me about what you posted is how young two of your children are. 18 months is still tiny, never mind 15 weeks. You haven't had five minutes breathing space with your newest baby! I wanted a big family (never got it, which is the opposite of your post), but when my DS was six months, I had a pregnancy scare. And - despite wanting a big family - I felt weirdly resentful towards this scare-pregnancy on DS's behalf, as I hadn't finished with his babyhood yet! I'd had a pretty awful pregnancy first time around, too, and my body hadn't yet recovered, so I was also seriously worried that if I wrecked it further with another pregnancy, I wouldn't be well enough to look after DS. It turned out to be a scare, so I didn't have to make a decision, but yes, I would have considered a termination, even though I wanted more kids.

Good luck with whatever you decide, Murtle.

Hi we'll if it was me that was pregnant I would keep it cos I don't think I could forgive/ forget about it . I've a mate who had one to keep her bf happy and now we are worried about her mental Heath she hates her ex ( that's why they broke up) it messed her up . I think you need to ask yourself if you did get rid of it will you forgive your self and is a holiday really worth it ? And finding childcare ? But whatever you decide it will change your life make sure you have plenty of support x

Thank you for replying.

I'm still so torn, i don't think I would ever forgive myself if I didn't continue with the pregnancy but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to throw my whole family into turmoil. I'm not sure DH will ever forgive me if I do continue, though he'll be nice about it, it will always be there between us.

I don't have any family so little support and certainly no one I could talk to about this (and definitely no practical support if I continue) so I really do appreciate you both replying to me.

I don't think having carried and cared for 3 dc I could now go on a terminate a pregnancy unless for medical reasons. But that's just me. I personally struggle with the idea of not having any more so that is likely clouding my judgement!

So sorry you're facing this dilemma. I don't say any really advice except to keep talking to your husband - of you really believe you'll never forgive yourself then you need to think seriously about keeping it. Keep talking to each other and telling him your fears.

My mum had 5 children with the fifth as a 'surprise' - it certainly didn't throw our family into turmoil. We loved it. We loved her. I know different things happen differenylt in different families but this was our experience. Also my mum had three under three too. I imagine it was very hard but she never said so.... (And she's not the type of woman not yo say so!)

Whether you continue the pregnancy or terminate it, it will come between you from what you say. He won't be happy if you continue (maybe) and you won't be able to forgive yourself if you terminate. What a dilemma, you poor thing.

As for putting baby days behind you it isn't going to extend the baby days that much if your youngest is only 15 weeks. Will the turmoil be that much worse with a fifth?

Good luck whatever you decide and do get sterilised or something so you aren't struggling about baby 6 in future.

Have you thought of going for counselling with a trained pregnancy counsellor to talk over your options? You have to be a bit careful when choosing one, because there are a lot of zealots out there who have very fixed ideas on this, but present themselves as impartial.

BPAS are one of the ones recommended by the NHS, who don't try and tip you one way or another, but help you find out what you really want. Their national number is 03457 30 40 30. If they don't have a branch near you, maybe they can recommend another non-zealot service which is more local to you.

Just another perspective: I had an early termination and never looked back. Ok, I don't shout it from the roof tops and I occasionally think about it, but there is absolutely no guilt or regret. I needed a termination, so I had one, end of.

It's hardly throwing the whole family in turmoil that's a little dramatic. If you already have four dc having a fifth is not that different. What struck me is the comment about the holiday would that really be a consideration when thinking about terminating your baby. Do you really think your dc would rather you got rid of their sibling to guarantee holiday? I know that's not your only reason it just stood out as a very strange reason.

Your dh should have thought about possible pregnancy before he had sex.

Hi op. I was in the same state of shock and didnt know what to do some 30 weeks ago. although my youngest is 2 so not quite and young as your youngest. I was so scared and confused at this extremely unexpected turn of events, we had decided 4 was our number and I had really got this in my head. I was on the pill (I have issues with contraception affecting me, this was the 1st 1 that hadn't given me a ton of side effects, typical!) I was religious with taking it and had no illnesses that could of affected it but yet here I was with a positive test and hyperventilating in the kitchen! how would your dh react if you decided to continue with the pregnancy? The decision I know needs to made together but if you had any doubt and decided on a termination you might never forgive yourself or him. I do really feel for you. after a few weeks of mentally beating my self up I decided to continue with the pregnancy as I couldnt of coped with a termination mentally. I hope you can come to a decision that you are comfortable with

SoonToBeSix, I read it as the OP giving the holiday thing as an example. It wouldn't be the only reason for terminating. I am female with two children and would be very unhappy to have another one. The DH should have though of consequences before sex, but it's too late now. If I was the male partner, I would feel dread at being saddled with another one.

I sounds like a very early pregnancy at this time and termination may be the easiest option if only one partner is on board with having another child.

I do agree, if DH absolutely doesn't want a 5th then obviously that has to be part of the decision making process. But then, he should have made sure the contraception was rock solid before having sex - I think being adamant about something while then not taking steps to prevent it is a bit of a cop out from his pov.

I agree with the poster who said go to BPAS. They'll help you discuss your options in a non-judgemental way. If you do decide to end the pregnancy then having talked it through properly will help you accept your decision iyswim. But you can't do this just because DH will throw his toys out of the pram. What you want is important too. Counselling will help you decide what is panic and what is your real heart speaking.

That said, if you do decide this isn't right for your family then that's OK. That's part of what being a parent is about, making decisions that are in everyone's interest.

And whatever you decide, it's time to talk to DH about the snip, no?

Thank you very much for all your comments. I read back now and I do sound a bit dramatic but honestly that's how it feels - DH is certain it wouldn't be fair on the other kids but the more I think the more I feel this is a knee jerk reaction and it won't be much more chaotic.

The holiday comment was a bit flippant but it will undeniably be very difficult to take away 5 children, 3 of which are under 3. Not a very valid reason on which to make a decision but an indicator of one way in which our lives will change .

I think counselling would be good.

I was waiting to have a coil fitted btw and we were using condoms but obviously something went wrong.

Sorry didn't mean to sound harsh just don't won't you to think big families are really hard work. Things such as holidays are possible just need a little more naming. My dc are 15 , 9 ( has autism) 3, 21 months and two month old twins. I am also a wheelchair user. We are going away for a week in a caravan in Wales for half term and are also taking my older dd's friend with us. It is costing us just over £400 for seven nights. Another way we holiday is travelodges , you can get a room for as little as £10- £15 a night we get two rooms.

Planning not naming??

Murtle, as others have said, if your youngest is only 15 weeks then another baby in 9 months time wouldn't really make much difference (yes, of course it will be bloody hard, but only harder for 11 months as they are so close together. If you had a bigger gap, I could see how it you'll dramatically impact the 'length' of your baby days, but not long in the long run....

But you will have 5 dcs, and it'll be hard. However, convenience went out of the window with dc3 (I assume you got a seven seater car, holidays would already be hard accomodation/logistics wise, so it wouldn't be that much more complex.

As mentioned also, after having dcs and a loving home, I know I couldn't terminate. Do you think you'd regret it if you did?

Sorry you are in this situation

I think you're right and holidays with 4 4 DC need very careful planning anyway so one more really wouldn't make such a vast difference. Holidays were never a real reason anyway just one way in which the practicalities scared me. Some things are already covered to a certain extent, we already had to get a 7 seater car with 4 DC and we have a large 4 bed house so there would be no more than 2 DC sharing a large room each.

I'm really starting to talk myself into this.

I think DH and I really need to sit down and discuss the detail and practicalities not just the 'feeling'.

He has agreed to go for the snip now in any case.

I really really appreciate you all taking time to comment - I can't talk about this in real life and it really helps to put my thoughts down.

I haven't been in this situation, but we have talked about what would happen if this arose prior to DH having the snip next month.

My DH would absolutely not want a 5th child (we also have 4), but if we did find ourselves in your current situation, there is no way I would be able to have a termination.

DH's wishes wouldn't get to top trump my wishes, and my unborn child's right to life. It is you who would be carrying the baby, it is your body. I wouldn't have commented on this thread if you yourself wanted a termination, but it seems to me that if your DH were on board, you would go ahead with the pregnancy. You shouldn't be pressured into a termination, or feel that you must do it to keep DH everyone else happy.

Don't know if this helps, but someone up thread said that because the gap is so small, another baby wouldn't extend the baby years by very much. I agree with this.

Completely understand how scary this must be with your DCs 3 & 4 being so young.

Go for it, you'll regret it otherwise.
Arrange the snip for oh ASAP.
We found out we pregnant with no4, oh had the snip 5 days later. He was more scared of an unplanned no5 than having his balls cut! It took him 1 year and 4 months to get the all clear!
You're screwed with holidays anyway, as in flying etc.. With 4 kids anyway. We pack the car up, catch the ferry and drive through France to a gite every year. 5 would make no difference at all in themat area.
Doing baby stuff all over again.. It's only 8 months away.
It'll be like having twins!
Listen, it's your gut.. You decide. Give yourself time to get your and oh's head around it.
Like someone else said, he's responsible for this too.. My gut for your situation is to suck it up, accept it.. And send oh to have the snip ASAP!

Our youngest was in Y6 when I found out I was pregnant with no5. I panicked. I couldn't see how we could possibly manage, and it didn't help that I felt not right almost from day 1.

DH decided he really really didn't want another. We went round and round in circles. With hindsight I desperately needed someone to tell me it was OK to have it, but in trying to make a balanced decision obviously didn't come across that way. I had needed a great deal of support from DH and DM with the others and felt I wouldn't be able to ask for it (well you wanted it).

So I had the termination. I sat there in the clinic thinking I didn't want to do it, but did so anyway. That was 12 years ago, and there is hardly a day I don't think about it. I can remember exactly how I felt.

In the months after the termination all the really good reasons for not having the baby disappeared one by one. When I tried to talk about it DH refused, and eventually admitted during yet another row that he wished he hadn't pushed me into it.

3 years later I was pg again, and the 12 week scan revealed no fetus. Went through the trauma of a MMC. Several months later I was pg again. Same result. Both of us felt it was our punishment for the termination. A few months later I went for another 12 week scan and we were shocked to see a wriggling baby on screen.

Number 5 has brought us great joy but I do think life would have been easier with the smaller age gap we would have had, rather than the huge one we ended up with.

The moral of this story isn't that you should continue with your pregnancy because of what happened to us, but that you should be quite sure in your head what you want to do. Not what's best for the children or DH, but what you want. If that is a termination then fine. You will be OK with it. But if you are only doing it for other people, don't.

Thank you all for your comments, they have given me a lot to think about. I think DH is avoiding the subject now so I need to try to get him talking or we're never going to get anywhere.

Make an appointment with a counsellor, then present him with the time of the appointment, and then he can't escape!

Would your husband leave you or resent you if you kept a baby he didn't want? Would he come to resent the baby?

I ask because this happened to a friend to mine. She was married with 3, got PG with 4, her dh was sworn on not wanting another, they talked about it but he still did not want a baby, she wanted the baby despite him telling her repeatedly he did not it. She had the baby, he tried to be happy and raise the baby but ended becoming resentful of her and the baby and left because he was unhappy and wasn't fair on any of them to keep pretending.

You need to talk to him. And the snip asap.

We've talked a bit more and I think the reality of what he's proposing we do (I.e terminate) is starting to sink in and he found it quite upsetting. We need to continue talking but at least he is no longer viewing this as a 'problem' which is easily dealt with and we're talking around practical solutions to some of the issues we foresee with 5 children. He is scared but I think this is good as he is finally thinking about this properly.

He is also booked in for the snip!

Thank you again for all your help and advice.