Separating out the idea of DC3 from desire for 'other' gender

[crazyhead]

Sensitive subject, so apologies. I have two beautiful DSs, 2years and 2 months old. Before I had children, I always assumed I'd want two, and didn't think much about gender. However, slightly when I learned I was having DS1 and much more strongly with DS2, I realised that I always assumed I'd have a daughter, that having a daughter was a strong part of my mental image of what my life would be. I don't fully understand it, maybe it is to do with somehow seeing my own life again through my daughter or something. I am not a girly girl.

Since having the two boys, I haven't had the sense of my family being complete that I thought I'd have with two, and I keep looking at larger families and imagining having another child. I can't quite tell whether this is entirely due to keeping a hope of having that daughter alive or whether actually having a larger family would suit us (we could afford three, but I do love my career and I worry about balancing that with three kids and giving them all the attention they'd deserve. I'm 37 so wouldn't want to leave it too long).

I also don't quite know where to put my head. Should I be leaving the possibility of a larger family alive in my mind (and therefore, the possibility of having a daughter), or should I focus on reimagining myself as the mother of two boys? I'd love to hear from people who've been through similar, and what clarified out your feelings and decisions.

The leap from two to three is the biggest one there is, it's when you become outnumbers, and it makes a difference.

I have a friend who has six, four boys then two girls, she put all the boys through ballet school, when I questioned why not the girls, she replied boys need ballet to balance them out, with girls it ends up being disfuntional relationship with their bodies(puts on hard hat)

I was raised by two feminists(both dad and mum) so I never heard "you can't do that you are a girl" so I have never been limited in my actions,

My sons have just as strong a relationship with my daughter does, I have yet to come across anything different with her,

I was really shocked when I had a girl after so many boys, (I thought I only did boys) honestly I didn't care with any of them what gender they were, as long as they were alive.

If you want another, have another, but get your head to somewhere where you don't care what sex it is,

What ever you do don't find out the sex until it's born, so you don't risk the natural high that will get you over any disappointment that may manafest itself.

A couple of my friends decided to stop at two sons. They would both have liked a girl but felt they could not cope with three boys. As far as I know they are happy with that decision.

I however do have three boys and people often comment on how hard it must be, how exhausting etc It is exhausting! it's also a great joy as well. all three of them are so different of course.

I also have a daughter (she is the eldest) and I would have liked a girl when I had ds3 so she could have a sister. I was shocked that I was disappointed at his sex when he was born as that had not happened with my older children. He was two in the summer and is the funniest of all my kids. He makes us laugh so much it feels odd to think I was disappointed that he was a boy. But I honestly was and surprised myself with this. so if you go for number three and do not get your girl i suppose you may feel similar. I would not say it stopped me bonding with him in anyway.

Not sure if that helps you at all though

I think if I were you, I'd be asking 'do I want another boy' rather than 'do I want another baby?'

If you don't want to be a mum of 3 boys, I wouldn't have another baby.

I dont have much advice as I am in a similar sitation with 2 young boys and just 4 weeks slightly unexpected pregnant with a 3rd - so will have 3 under 4!

In some ways I have felt simiar with the want for a girl, my dh would love this one to be a girl, but I can also see the real benefits of having all the one sex - clothes / toys / outings / everything is all the same , grow up together hopefully all best friends whereas if the 3rd was a girl she would be the odd one out and either grow up a tom boy or feeling left out , i know that sounds stupid but thats what i would worry about nevermind the expense of pink things.... girls clothes are so gorgeous :)

and I would then want my daugther to have a sister.... but we have no control over it and can only wsh for a healthy baby and only you know if having another boy would be ok for your family xxxx

I felt exactly like you when I had two boys. I kidded myself that I just wanted a third baby, didn't care what sex it was etc. I had a third boy. I adored him, he was (and is) gorgeous. However, he wasn't a girl. I didn't feel I could confess to anyone that I was disappointed as it would look like I didn't love my son. I also didn't want him to ever think that I didn't love him. As a result I had severe post natal depression. It was a terrible time for all of us.

I think the advice to ask yourself if you want another son, is the best advice you could have.
Having said all that, I wouldn't swap my three sons for the world. My youngest is now 20 and absolutely fantastic.

I have two close friends who feel similar to you OP, or at least that's how they've explained it themselves.

Both have 2 gorgeous boys. They are great mums and love their boys to the ends of the world. One friend has never felt 'finished' and she admits that if someone could guarantee her a girl baby then she may be sorely tempted by a 3rd. However, she's unsure if it is solely a gender thing. Her second pregnancy and ds2 was fraught with serious health problems (still is) and she's confused that it's just a different baby experience she wants. She's 42 now and just getting back into a new career. She's said she doesn't quite want a girl enough to do it all again and is really grateful for what she has now.

My second friend is 36, and has 2 gorgeous boys too. She openly admits she'd love a girl, but again not enough of a desire to be a mum to 3 Dcs. Her DH has now had a vasectomy.

It's a tricky one to answer. My dsis has 3 girls. She always said that she firmly decided she wanted a third dc no matter what gender. True to her word, she's never had a flicker of 'what if'.

Hope you make some sense of it OP.

I had two girls, a four year gap, then a boy.

For me it was wanting a third DC, rather than a son, at least that's what I tell myself. I think I'd have been "done" if we'd had a third girl . My husband admitted that though a third healthy baby was his priority, he was rather pleased when we saw a little willy at the 20 week scan.

However, what shocked me was the sheer number of friends/relatives who commented that because DS was a boy, THEY felt we were done. Ranging from "I bet you're glad to get an heir at last!" To "ooh, you don't need any more now, how lovely" to "oh you must be so relieved".
Me inner feminist was severely unimpressed.....

Odds are 50-50 either way.
If having another baby is right for you and your family that's wonderful if you are "trying a girl" I would be worried.
My sister has 4 boys, not a girl in sight, she gave up & looks forward to 4 daughter in laws.

I know what you are getting at OP, I have three sons but still want another but worry subconsciously I want a girl, but I always wanted a 'big' family, always imagined having 4 children as did my H luckily. I think deep down I know I'm not done at three but wonder if I would feel differently if I had a girl.

I found 2-3 terribly hard but actually I can't imagine not being pregnant again whether it be a boy or girl. I'm pretty sure we'll be a family of just boys though, I just have a feeling as does my H.

T

I had this when i had 2 of same sex. I did always want 3 though. Around the time my second child was 3, the feeling just evaporated. I just became entirely happy seeing a future with only 2. I tend to think hormonally there is a surge to procreate after having a child, but that wanes after time. Whenever I think how nice 3 would be its just because i think I love them so much and would like more of that rather than actually having another child.

Thanks for all your very thoughtful responses - I am also happy I'm not the only one to have felt like this. I assume I will have more of a sense of what I feel once my current maternity leave is over and I'm back working. I will work in the meantime on getting my head into a gender doesn't matter place..