I'm pregnant with #5, shocked & scared, pls help

[MrsZebra]

Hi Everyone
I'm mum to four children aged 7, 5,5 & 3. I'm a stay at home mum and I completely love my children and being a mum. However, I've found the last 7 years really tough with four under four and am excited about moving on from the baby days.
My youngest was definitely my last, I've given all the baby stuff away and am just starting to enjoy a bit of me time for the first time in years. However, on Saturday, I found out that I'm pregnant. We've been using condoms successfully for 3 years and neither of us realised that it had failed until I got the positive pregnancy test on Saturday. I was 10 days late and didn't even bother doing a test as I was so certain that I couldn't be pregnant.
Anyway, I really don't want to have another baby but I don't feel that I can have a termination. We are really happily married and my husband earns a really good salary so money isn't a problem. The reasons for not going ahead are selfish - I don't want to go back to the baby days and I'm really worried that another baby would hold my older ones back e.g. Holidays etc. My four are really good friends and can do everything together. I'm scared that another baby will change the dynamic and result in the others all having less attention and being able to do less.
I'm so desperate and really don't know what to do. My DH is supportive and when I told him, said he felt a bit happy. I don't want to speak to my family as they'll be so damning and make me feel stupid.
Has anyone been in this position, did it make a difference going from 4-5. Ca you still give the kids attention and can you go on holiday?
Sorry for the rant but I really really need to get my feelings out as I feel like I'm falling apart. I'd don't know what to do.
Thanks
mrsZ

I'm not able to offer any real advice or experience because I only have two, but I did want to reply - I just want to say one thing which is that my worries about going from 1 to 2 were the same as you have now, and my worries about possibly going from 2 to 3 (or 4 if it ends up being twins) are the same. I can't help thinking that as a happy family, when the balance works and you are all happy, it is scary adding something (or someone) new. But what interests me with children is the fact that they love their parents no matter because it is the nature of the relationship, and children also love their siblings (hopefully). They also get used to the balance of attention. So, the long and short of what I'm trying to say, is that I would imagine you would still be the same family, just a little larger. But that is my rational brain. It is still scary. On the holidays front, I loved holidays because it was two weeks with my parents. I don't think it would have mattered so much where we were. I hope that you start feeling better about things soon.

Hi, a quick bump for you and just to say I'm not sure how much traffic 'larger families' gets, maybe re-post in chat?

I was worried about going from 3 to 4 children, due to an 11 year age gap. I was worried how it would change the family dynamics and if the older children would feel resent full towards the baby. It has all worked fine though. So much so that we now have 5dc.

I didn't mind going back to the baby stage and have enjoyed it rather a lot. Only you can make the right decision for yourself. Maybe you could decide to have the baby go to day nursery a couple of days a week, if you have the money and decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. That way you can still enjoy some baby free time.

Its a difficult decision to have to make. I hope things work out well for you.

We were finished at 4. DH booked a vasectomy, but it got postponed due to work commitments. I fell pregnant despite using condoms. I was devastated. I prayed that I would miscarry. I cried and cried. I booked a termination at 5+3 weeks. I was scanned and they couldn't see anything and asked me to return in a weeks time. I never went back.

She was born in May and she is perfect. I thought we were finished, but I cannot imagine life without her. I made the right choice for us.

Only you can make the right choice for you.

Thanks for your kindness everyone and sharing your thoughts. It's such a difficult situation and now the initial shock is wearing off, I'm hoping to be able to think about it properly.

It's a little different but maybe relevant. I am the eldest of four. Number 4 (my db) came along when I was nearly 16 and was a big shock for both dm and df. They say now that having one more wasn't an issue, it was the age gap which was the hardest.

That said we loved having a little brother in the family and it had real benefits in terms of us growing up. We helped with little bits if child care but my overwhelming memories are the pride we had showing off our little brother and teaching him how to do things...

Have you told your children yet?

I was so scared when pregnant with no 5. Mainly as I had hideous life threatening births and a history of stillbirth and losses. Also we were quite short on house space. I had also just gone back to college. My older 4 were within 5.5 years so quite close together and also just coming out the baby days as youngest two just started school.

I was expecting a single to be easy (my last ones were twins) but DC5 had extreme reflux and would scream 24/7 and was in and out of hospital. We got no sleep at all for months on end. However despite this, DC5 has brought the most wonderful joy to us all and completed our family. Can't imagine not having him and can't put into words how loved he is by us all.

I would not worry too much. I found 4 was chaos anyway so 5 wasn't that much harder once the reflux settled. I never had 3 (twins) but found from 2 to 4 was a huge difference. From 4 to 5 not quite so much. Money and housework can be a struggle at times with the older kids and club fees etc but just takes good planning. I too am a SAHM which saves us quite a lot as no need for childcare and second cars etc.

I am sure you will be fine and savour your no 5 as we do.

'Can you still give the kids attention and can you go on holiday?'

Yes to both although the former suffered slightly with the severe reflux. With no additional needs i think we would have been fine. Even with that the kids didn't suffer long term. I felt guilt at times that i couldn't read with them etc or was snappy but parents feel guilt whatever and it is short lived. having an extra sibling gains them too.

Holidays, yes we always went on them every year. We tend to stick to UK but if money isn't an issue going abroad would be no real issue, we took 4 with no probs.

Wow, MrsZ, I don't know if I have anything to add, but I have 4, with the same age gap as you- mine are 8, 6,6,4.
I got a bug about 2 years ago that felt exactly like morning sickness, and for those few days, I really wrestled with the idea of termination.

I just feel so done with the baby years, and excited about the increasing freedom that their growing up will bring. I don't know that it is necessarily selfishness on my part, just that it's time to move on.

We are comfortable, financially, so when I was surprised with number 4, I hired domestic help. I basically had a house keeper 5 mornings a week, who also helped with nursery/ playgroup runs, for the first school year of DC4's life
Despite having a husband who's away Monday to Friday, I found DC4, the easiest, because of all the extra help. Could you afford to get domestic help?

Yes, your kids are a perfect gang- I get that, but they'll make room for another. You sound like you have a very happy family life.

Personally, because of our financial security, large house etc, I doubt I would have gone through with a termination, had I been pregnant, but I would have been majorly pissed off, depressed, sick as a dog, dreading the whole thing.

But, having 4 kids already means you're probably really good at it, you say you love beings mum- if you go through with the pregnancy, you get to meet another mix of you and DH.

I pushed my triple buggy into the park one day, while visibly pregnant with my 4th. I remember feeling foolish for having so many babies, and like I had to explain how amazed and frankly unenthusiastic I was about the prospect of 4 under 4. I was saying this to a woman I vaguely knew, and she looked at me in a perplexed manner, and said "Every baby is a blessing". She was right, of course, and it alway stuck with me.
I resolved to try and be more positive, and not be defensive. We had enough love, a happy marriage, comfortably off, and it would all be ok.

My fourth child was the first one that I put into nursery- I was really ready to get some "me time" back. Would promising yourself that you'll pay for more child care help you to face back into the baby years?
I really get where you're coming from, it's hard to have all those conflicting feelings- hope you're doing ok x

Same situation here. I have 4 with my youngest about to turn 4. He was also my last and I had kept nothing of my baby days. I kept reminding my Dh that I had changed nappies everyday for over 10 years and that now my youngest was out of them altogether and about to start nursery 5 days a week, I could finally look forward to taking our business to another level etc. I really was done with babies.

Then I found I was pregnant. It took a long time to get used to. My oldest daughter who is 10 was not exactly pleased at first! But now I am 34 weeks and the house is full of excitement. I didn't really care what family thought as I have no time for negativity but to my surprise they have all been so positive. I have really enjoyed going out and doing the baby thing again. Choosing a cot etc.... I still have worries and still have the odd moment that I think "what am I doing" but I know when LO is here, I will not be able to imagine life any different.

Hi I just joined mumsnet today as feeling extremely sleep deprived !!! Thought I'd see what others thought about controlled crying.
I had baby number 5 in March after deciding four children was enough 5 years ago. Like you have said I had mixed feelings, my husband was pleased, we told nobody until 20 weeks. Everyone, family and friends rolled their eyes and said we were mad. Our children were excited, their reaction surprised me a lot, they absolutely adore him, dislike his crying (another story!) but no jealousy only love and wonder at all his little milestones, he's 8 months old. It's very hard at times, tiring, stressful and amazing at the same time. My biggest woe is no sleep. I hope you reach some peace about your situation soon as I honestly agonised in the beginning, once I'd made up my mind I was happy about having 5 children. Hugs.

Thank you all do much for sharing your thoughts and own experiences. It was such a difficult situation but nature has intervened and this pregnancy wasn't meant to be. Started with pains and then bleeding on Thursday. I feel quite relieved that the decision has been taken out of my hands. I couldn't have gone through with a termination but was petrified about how I was going to cope. Hats off to all of you who manage 5+. X

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I hope you can reach a decision you are peaceful with xx

Just read the update. Thinking of you xx