I'm deliberating on having a fourth, and would appreciate really honest answers on whether I'm being led by fantasy rather than reality.
The three are lovely but hard work (8, 5, 2). Me and DP work full time, DP does long hours, often 60-80 hr weeks, with extra work outside that. I could reduce to part-time if necessary. We're both close to 40, and have spent the best part of a decade with a child between 0-3, which we find exhausting and impacts negatively on our relationship (separate beds for a year due to sleep deprivation, no babysitters due to velcro babies, general exhaustion and competitive tiredness). So usually at age 2 child sleeps better, life feels easier and we feel broody. Hence the 3 yr gap.
We are a same sex couple, and I carried all 3 DC, I am definitely not up for pregnancy, breastfeeding, nights etc. again. But DP is ambivalent about trying (fertility issues in past), but we have the option to try before we get too old. So broodiness has hit again. But would it break us?
My fantasy head imagines:
It will be a tough first year, an easier 2nd year, and then we will be delighted to have all four. The four means that there won't be one left out (I said fantasy!), and they will love being a gaggle of 4. They currently do argue, obviously, but are a very close gang, and love being together (2 big ones share a room). I will get to have another baby without the bits I hate (feeding, pregnancy, weight gain, night feeds). We will be more flexible and less stressed about naptimes and working around the baby, so we will still get to do things like camping and day trips.
My fears are:
It will ruin our chances of having any couple time for another 3 years, we won't be able to do so much stuff because it will be hard to find things that all four ages like, we won't be able to afford things (holidays - don't really do those, but kid activities, day trips etc.). Also that I will regret it - that I will wish we'd stopped at 3 and been having a better time (we've just started getting away for a night a few times a year). We will have a house full of baby stuff and tiny bits of plastic for an extra 3 yrs. Financially things being tight and me having to be careful for another decade, and resenting the loss of income (we're finally reaching a point of breaking even and covering the debts accrued over the past few years of multiple mat leaves).
So has anyone done it and ended up in either of those scenarios? And if it was all good, is that because you're a zen mother who just loves kids, or is it possible even if you're a bit selfish and easily stressed?
Any advice would be great, as we keep switching from one definite no to definite yes, and need a reality check.