Any divorced or separated large families out there - how does it work out?

[mulranno]

Just separating from husband - we have 4 kids - no idea how we will afford two houses etc. I have two boys two girls and thinking about maybe some sort of rotating system so two at a time stay with Dad/me...is this fair -? practical? they don't all get on anyway...or should all 4 of them be in one place or the other all of the time?

First you are very brave going it alone with 4 kids!

Are you staying in the house? Is it mortgage/rented

You need to sort your finances out, write down everything you have coming in tax credits fam allw etc do you work? As you may get working tax credit

I think if it was me if the kids don't get on,split them into the ones that get on pair them up. If there old enough ask them also what about you have them through week and hubby at weekend that way of a lot of two and fro

How old are the kids?

I'm not fully qualified to answer as am not separated/divorced. I do however have 4 kids, 2 boys aged 19 and 17, and 2 girls aged 15 and 12.5. Over the years of course there have been times when various combinations did not get on, sometimes for a year or more at a time, But there is no way I would recommend splitting them into groups for any extended period. I think this would just set in stone cliques within the family. In my experience their allegiances change over the years and at this stage all mine get on well most of the time. I feel they would lose any chance of developing a relationship if they are separated into the same groups and only meeting in passing. It must be really tough to try and sort out the logistics of this but I really don't think splitting the kids is the answer

More than 5 but we both work full time so money is not an issue or not as much as with most people. I do 100% of everything (his choice) - 100% of paying and 100% of childcare. Ultimately that is his loss.

I don't think any of us can really tell you what to do as every family is so very different. I would have been happy with a 50% split but he wanted 100% me and 0% him. Do what works best for your family. Ask the children particularly older ones. Good luck with it.

Here until we sell (massive mortgage) - I am in the house Sun eve - Fri am and he will be here fri eve- sun eve - so for now children wont move ... parents will sofa surf. Boys are 15 & 13 girls 12 & 7. Good point about changing dynamics rather than assuming that relationships will continue as they are now. Day 1: today was calm and OK - but I expect emotional fall out later - although they see him every morning as he pops by to take little one to school - and we are behaving very civilly to each other.
I feel relieved and relaxed for the first time n a very long time. I know I can do this - and it is the best thing for us all. Back story if your are interested www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker

please don't split your DC up. When parents are apart they form an important source of love, support and validation...they are all in the same boat (passengers) with parents who are.

I am a lone parent of 4 (12,10,9,7) they need one another and although they fight they also look after each other.

No to say that sometimes parents may have special "boy", "girl" or one-on-one time. But IMHO it shouldn;t be the norm.

However my situation does have an abusive bully in the mix....hope not the same for you

My DP has 4 children with his ex. (I have just 2 of my own).
They have always had a basic routine that he/we have the DCs every weekend and their mum has them in the week. Generally speaking they all come together, and I'd agree with what foolonthehill says that does reinforce the bonds they have between them to be together most of the time. It also fits in better with working routines, etc and my DP very much switches into family mode at weekends and work mode in the week.

There are downsides to this arrangement though - when I first met him my DP did struggle to look after 4 at once on his own, and a lot of responsibility ended up falling on his eldest (12 at the time they split, 16 now), both to help out with the younger kids and to support DP at times when he was ill or anything. The younger ones are also quite competative over getting any parental attention - I think it's quite hard to be a single parent to 4 at once all wanting a piece of you.

My DP's ex ocassionally takes just one child off for some one to one time at the weekend. I've always encouraged my DP to do likewise but he's reluctant to forgo time with the others, and doesn't have any spare time in the week. It's something I think would benefit the DCs for both him and his ex to do more of.

Me and my ex agree a couple of weekends a year when we take one DC each, and spend it doing something they particuarly enjoy. I've had some wonderful walking trips with DS and theatre trips with DD, which we've really enjoyed. Would definitely recommend trying to structure in a bit of one to one time, for each child at least a couple of times a year.

You're obviosly right in the throws of splitting up at the moment - it does get better. All our DCs seem find about their living arrangements, completely used to having their parents in different houses. It just becomes normal and life goes on. Good luck.