Need some help figuring out how I feel going from 2-3 dcs, please

[MolotovCocktail]

Hi, I posted here early this year but am no clearer still!

We have 2 beautiful dds aged 4.9yo and 19mo. Both took a while to conceive; dd1 naturally after 9m and dd2 two years and 6 cycles of clomid (unexplained infertility). That was incredibly stressful.

I knew pretty soon after dd1 was born that I wanted another baby. There was zero hesitation.

My dh would like another baby and whilst I'm open to the idea, the feelings to have another aren't as strong.

There are a few reasons:

1. My girls get along really nicely (most of the time) and I wonder how another child would affect that dynamic. How might a ds fare? Might he be left out?

1. I wonder how I'd split my time and attention between 3.

1. Another baby would probably be born by ELCS (had one with dd2). Although it was a preferable experience to my vb with dd1, it is major surgery with a recovery period which I'm not exactly excited about going through again. I'd be slowed down considerably - I didnt have a school run to do, for example, when dd2 was born.

1. Selfishly, I'm a but worried how a 3rd pregnancy/2nd cs would affect my body. I'm in pretty good shape after 2 babies/1 cs.

1. We's definitely need to move house, which is do-able, but it would be a necessity.

But even with these doubts, I still wonder about a 3rd dc. I couldn't actively ttc again; another baby would just need to 'happen' iyswim ... any advice would be appreciated - and sorry if I've rambled a bit.

You've listed only your points that count against having another child. What are your reasons FOR having another?

I have a lot of help (and 3 DCs) and it is still a hell of a lot of work..

I did think that after I'd pressed 'post' ...

Well, I can't really get it out of my head tp have another baby. It's such a beautiful time; the anticipation of a new baby, and the newborn days. That's not a reason to go ahead as babies turn into toddlers, into children, into teens, etc, but I say it because I love babies.

A part of me wonders what the dynamic of 3 would be like: how would 3 sisters get along? How would a youngest male sibling enjoy having 2 big sisters?

Part of me would love to just get pregnant without a struggle (that's a very selfish reason, I admit).

Dh would like another child, though there is no pressure.

Actually, there is no pressure this time: dd1 has a sibling so there's no expectation from others - it used to crush me when we were trying for dd2 and people would ask when we were planning another. If im asked now, I honestly say 'I don't know'.

What do you find challenging about having 3? What is enjoyable/rewarding/fun?

When I had DD after 2 DSs, I realised there was a BabyDragon shaped gap in the family photos :) I wanted three but was happy with two before deciding to have another.

And when I'd had her, I knew I was done!!

I found the early years tough. I had three under 5 and I can honestly say I don't remember much about DD3's babyhood or DD2's toddler years. It's all a blur.

Now they are 4,6 and 9 and we really enjoy them. They are fab.

Think about:

1. you are bringing another individual into the world, they may not 'fit in' as you like, there will be challenges.

2. can you afford it? Three Xmas stockings/Xmas gifts/birthdays/school shoes/plane tickets -it all adds up

3. can you take time out of work (if you do work) and can you meet childcare/logistics challenges.

4. in fact all you and your DH will talk about is logistics

5. are you prepared to accept your existing children will not be able to do some things because they have siblings? DD2 was picked fir an elite gym squad, but she viukdn't meet the training commitments because I have to look after her siblings too.

But three is lovely, I wouldn't change it.

I had 3ds under 5 and they all got on fantastically and still do now as teenagers. Having said that I don't know what it would of been like if dc3 was a girl. The fact that they all get on is also largely luck. No one can predict the personality of a child.

i love my 3 ds and although found having 3 with ds1 being only 4yrs a challenge the logistics of a 7, 5 & 3 year old is much harder , clubs, activities, bedtimes, homework , homework is sometimes overwhelming but the relationship between them is amazing and i would not change a thing. someone on mumsnet did say that you have to think about the complexities and emotional challenge of older children and teenagers. ds1 has minor sen and all ds have speech difficulties and you can not predict these additional challenges.

however in some aspects three is easier. there is always a choice of playmates, if one wants to play alone the others can play together, life is rarely boring, other children love coming to play because it is usually lively chaos!

we are considering dc4 but financially , emotionally, space issues, time issues prevent us.

I find that my hands are full at thw moment: dd1 is almost 5 and demands my attention. Dd2 is 19mo and is equally demanding, albeit in different ways.

I'm very busy - the day starts at 6am and my feet dont touch the ground until 8pm. But, there is still a part of me that would quite like another baby.

I feel confused. There is a romantic side of me that would just love to go for it and only have a 5-6 year gap between dd1 and a dc3. But when I think of practicalities (house move; pregnancy whilst tending to the needs of 2 children; a repeat cs. Oh, and getting pg in the first place!) I get cold feet.

Sorry for my delay in replying. These feelings are tricky to articulate.

Hi I think if you aren't sure maybe it means it is what you want ifykwim? I knew after two that I may not be done, some friends knew they definetly were and were adamant about it, we went for dc 3, due early jan! Other dc are five and three. I can easily say I was thrilled as soon as I got the blue line on the stick! Feels right for us, won't lie, this preg has been hardest as I have been so busy with the other dc but that lovely long summer helped as we lived outdoors just about, all of a sudden due date rushing up since back to sch in sept and I'm still faffing about packing hospital bag.....mainly with food so far! I've learned what's really needed for that at least. As for being a mum to three dc I can not wait to have my bunch of three. The first two are thick as thieves as only 2.4 yrs between them and will be 3yrs + between dc2 and the new one but both dc seem excited and I have reassured them their activities will not be impeded by the baby. They are being very sweet and keep thinking of name ideas and suggest toys they would like to give to the baby! We haven't made too big a deal of it all really so I think they have been able to get used to idea in own time. Will admit many eves I just can't wait flop into bed when they have gone to bed as although they aren't nappy age and tiring that way if you get me it's the constant chat, questions, school stuff that really tires you out! The elder dc is easily the hardest work, that's partly her character but also her age and support needed with homework, taking to parties, growing up etc etc, all normal stuff but exhausting!
Sorry I have digressed rather, just i looked on this board for similar re assurances I guess and hope to return the favour. I say go for it before you regret not even trying? That was kind of where we got to after months of dithering, (wish had done it sooner if anything).
Last of all I wouldn't worry about dynamics of dc in terms of gender, ages etc.....you get what you get don't you and I think you can certainly encourage sibling harmony and give them as much attention as you can ( and essentially give yourself time so you have energy for them) but they will all be different characters and get on/not get on at different stages of life, as long as they are loved feel fairly treated then should be fine! Even with my two that seems to be way forward.

That's a lovely post GoMomma, thanks for that.

I think the largest obstacles at present are my concerns about conceiving in the first place. I can't express how stressful it was so I can't bring myself to actively ttc. Yet, I am so aware of my cycles and 'baby making' that a pregnancy just happening wouldn't be as simple as that.

I also think it's the repeat cs issue that weighs on my mind. It was a lovely, controlled and peaceful way to give birth but for the first couple of days the sensation around the incision site really is something else. And how pregnancy changes your body/post-pregnancy is on my mind. It took about 4 months after dd2's birth to feel pretty much normal again, but I would say about 9 months before I felt fully back to normal (I know that's completely within reason but it is a consideration when I have 2 children to care for already).

I'm almost 31 now; had my dd's when I was 26 and 29 and my body is in quite good shape, I think. 2 full-term pregnancies and a cs haven't affected it too adversely. I do worry how everything would fare after another pg/cs.

Very selfish reasons but I am being totally honest here. Obviously if we did decide to go for it, the joys of a new, healty baby outweigh my worries!

I have asked my dh if he can carry and give birth to another baby

He said he'd love to but unfortunately, can not

Oh, and I meant to wish you all the best, GoMomma

If you had a third, would you then star wondering about a fourth? I think a lot of people hanker after one more than they have, and perhaps that's a feeling we just need to recognise and learn to live with. Who hasn't occasionally thought to themselves, "maybe just one more..."?
You've got a lot of reasons not to have another. If you felt very strongly that you really wanted three, then you wouldn't be fretting about it, you would be getting on with it, surely? Why not just enjoy the two you have and avoid putting yourself through another round of aggravation, worry, c section etc etc?

I found 2-3 substantially easier than the PND-filled horror that was 1-2, even though my last pregnancy was awful and unplanned. I'd 3 under 4 for a while and dd1 didn't start school until 5y6m so I'd 20 months with 3 pre-school, though then no school run as dd1 got the school bus.

I've never regretted the huge accident of having dd2 - I had a mirena at the time. I thought our family was complete but I couldn't have been more wrong!!

I agree with clobbered on this. You sound very unsure and I think most people (me included!) often fantasise about one more child. I often think 'Aww look how amazing they are. We could totally do this again.' Then DS1 starts needing help with homework just as DS2 starts having a tantrum and I revert back to 'Phew thank God we don't have 3!'.

I think we all romanticise about what a different life would be like. I love the idea of a big family, loads of lively kids, but in reality I know it is not what is best for me. I wouldn't be a good parent to 3 children. I think if you really felt strongly about it then you wouldn't be listing reasons such as how your body will be afterwards! Good luck with whatever you do decide. x

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I've found them useful and you've given me fresh perspective.

Clobbered, I'm certain that if we went ahead and decided to have one more child, it really would only be one more. I've always known that I wanted to have 2 children; perhaps 3. I have never seriously considered 4.

I know multiple cs births are not recommended; I knew this when rationalising having dd2 by cs. I knew that I wouldn't have more than 2 cs births anyway.

That said, I take on board the 'how about just one more?...' thought. For me, however, I really am only considering a third child.

Maybe the timing isn't right yet? My handa are full and like Stick says, at more challenging times, when both girls need Mummy, I am already squeezed. The practicalities of pregnancy, birth, post-birth, another baby do feel overwhelming.

Maybe I'll feel differently in another 18m/2y when dd2 starts ft nursery.

Thanks again x

*hands

And the overwhelming bit is all of that plus the 2 beautiful, happy, joy-bringing little girls we already have.

Oh, and lastly, I do count my lucky stars for the children we already have. Very lucky indeed