Third child - practical considerations

[PogoBob]

We already have DD, just turned 3, and 7mo DS, yet DH and I have both commented on liking a third.

Totally realise that this is a decision that only we can make, have read through the copious threads that have already been started on this topic which has given me food for thought.

My heart totally wants a third and I know that we would find a way (we always do!) but I always work best on lists and pro and cons when it comes to big decisions. What things does having a third impact upon that we may not have thought of?

I know the big ones like money, space in the house, car, holidays and yesterday realised that our weekly swimming would be difficult with 3 under 6 (adult - child ratio) so what else have we not thought of?

TIA

In a very similar situation although in my head I know i struggle to cope with 2, I love my 121 time with both boys , I have terrible pregnancys with SPD from 20 weeks and cant walk so logically stick at 2 but the other things for me are just really quality time with each, do you work? have family close by? will the eldest be at nursery? monthly costs of 3 sets of school shoes / trips / help with learning to drive / saving for house deposit / weddings / etc as they get older :) good luck in deciding, it is driving me crazy as its all i think about!!!

etc - we also do waterbabies swimming which is hard enough with 2 along with music classes , managing all of that with 3 would be harder logistically as well but once they are 4 they can get swimming lessons and most classes are on their own which would make it easier x

Crossing the road - you only have 2 hands. The eldest will get less cuddles and less hand holding than other kids with fewer siblings. You will only realise this when they are too old to hold hands.

Your patience has limits.

The noise level can be incredible.

Family tickets are often 2 adults and 2 kids. Hotel rooms, once they reach a certain age.

3 car seats across the back.

The amount of kiddie crap in the house is 50% bigger. You won't have reached this stage fully yet, but junk models brought home from school, artwork, clothing, swimming and sports kit.

You will have to remember the correct crap for 3 primary aged children to take to school each day of the week... Who is a school dinner/needs a packed lunch? Who has spellings? Whose homework is due. Who is on a school trip requiring a Victorian costume, who needs 50p for drench a teacher day, who is supposed to take 12 cupcakes... It goes on and on just for 2 kids. 3 is 50% more.

The sheer volume of washing is incredible.

Once they are at school, they will have hobbies (swimming, brownies, netball, ballet etc etc etc) X3 to organise, equip, get everything and everyone in the right place at the right time. Then there is the cost!

Babies grow into children who grow into teenagers. In some ways they need more mental attention the older they get. There are still only 2 of you. There is a reason the tv show is called Outnumbered.

With 2 you get a few glorious years where (hopefully) they go to bed and your evenings are yours before you have teenagers monitoring your every move. With 3 or more kids the duration (if at all) is reduced. We have found they need significantly less sleep from 7-8yrs onwards. If you are still changing nappies and dealing with night-waking toddlers at that point then time alone may be rare.

I have 4 and wouldn't change a thing, but some days it feels like my head will explode from trying to remember everything . Sleeping all night is not something I really remember, and dh and I feel like we don't get a moment's peace 24/7. We live in hope it may get easier once we no longer have a pre-schooler and baby, but by the time the youngest starts school the eldest will be teenage.

Also, your peers out-grow you. You are stuck in baby/toddler Groundhog Day, whilst your friends swan about with their 6 and 8 yr olds, no nappies, fewer tantrums, no pushchairs, more independent dcs and their smug still hot cups of tea. Continuing to juggle a baby/toddler whilst having interesting conversations and playing scrabble is tough.

Cost - everything is x3!

Trying to cater fur different age groups at the same time can be taxing especially in school holidays

Logistics - thus is my life. I seem to endlessly discuss who needs to be where at what time with DP and family and friends.

Mealtimes - they all like different foods god knows how when they were all weaned onto my cooking baby led weaning stylee. Picking meals where everyone stands a chance of getting a balanced meal of some stuff they might eat can be challenging, or v dull and repetitive. I live in hope this may improve.

As they get older they eat A LOT. It can be like running a soup kitchen some days.

Thanks for the extensive replies, lots of really useful information.

Dealing with teething baby at moment but will come back and read in more detail when he's settled

Oh oh, I thought of another one... Older children don't nap. 3 children never nap simultaneously even if the eldest is still young enough to nap. The summer holidays lasts 6+ weeks. That is a lot of hours of entertaining people with different interests and possibly the reason for my extensive list of cons!

Wow.... Lots of negatives....
There are lots of positives too...! I have three (admittedly close together).
It's loud.... Very loud....
We have a five aside team as a family.
Everyone always has someone to play with even if one is at a play date/ club/ just feeling miserable.
They are a real team...on our recent holiday our involvement was negligible (except when we imposed ourselves on them!)
It's busy and hectic and fun!
Yes the logistics are difficult....Yes one child may miss out on swimming lessons for a few months.... But for me it's all about the voice in your head. If you aren't done then you aren't done....after DC3 my voice stopped...

If I'm completely honest the whole third thing is most probably a reaction, on my part to DS starting crawling and on DH's part to my imminent return to work (DH is a SAHP).

I'm probably a little naïve on the money front but I earn a good salary, our house would fit a third until they reach teenagerdom and my pay has the scope to increase by £12k over the next 5 years.

We've already agreed that if we go ahead with a 3rd we would only try for a specific 6 months period and if it didn't happen then take that as fate deciding IYWIM. The age gap we'd then be looking at would be 1 in full time school, one in part-time nursery and youngest at home so the most DH would have at home during term time is 2. I finish work at 4 so am around for the evening / bath / bed routine.

I think my biggest fear is the quality time issue and access to after school activities, I missed out on these due to both my parents working full time combined with living in the middle of nowhere so want DC's to have these opportunities.

DH's biggest fear is the summer holidays!

I have to lose 2 1/2 stone before we can start trying so have a good 5 or 6 months to think about it

Happypiglet Thank you for the positives, DH and I are both only children so the whole chaotic, loud elements of 3 is partly what appeals as our childhoods were quite ordered!

OK wll I only have 2 but we ummed and ahhd over a 3rd for a long time after DS2 was born.

My cousin recently had her third. She's an excellent mummy, really hands on, very patient but even she says 'STICK AT TWO' haha. It's early days for her though, her DD is only 3 months old so she (hopefully!) will feel differently when things calm down a bit.

For now she just says she feels like she's just firefighting the whole time. One of them is always about to blow up about something and she's there in the thick of it trying to breast feed a baby and the older 2 are acting up and fighting more because of this.

Like I say, it's early days and it will get better but don't underestimate the level of chaos a baby bring upon the older siblings...especially as thy get older and can remember a time before the little one arrived.

She's really struggling with jealousy and her boys are constantly pushing boundaries now.

Also, it's already been said but she feels overwhelmed going out with all three of them. Suddenly there aren't enough hands. Even when her DP is there, they're always always outnumbered. This is a huge problem while they are young and need a lot of physical help and maneovering!

We decided to stick at two for many reasons. I still find it hard with 2 most days (admittedly it's harder right now because DS1 is obviously off school for summer holidays and entertaining the two of them on my own while DH is at work is torture sometimes).

I still feel like I would always want 'just one more' but at some point you have to stop and do what is best for your mental health and the well being of your existing children.

If you can look at it objectively and honestly think you are ready and want to go ahead then absolutely you should have another child. BUT if it's like me where I was kind of just mourning DS2 growing up and kind of knowing I'd never have another then you need to be realistic about what you and DP can actually handle.

3 children is difficult whatever the age gaps. It's a huge strain to never be able to have 'one each'! One on one time for children of three is so much more difficult.

I was one of three and whilst my mum was great, we were all seen as the 'collective kids'. We weren't really given time to be individuals or allowed to have an opinion or chose what we did or what days out we had because it was just so hectic for my parents and caused too many arguments between us all! My parents were just all consumed by just cooking for us, cleaning up, managing clubs, sorting disagreements, walking my brother to Scouts, picking my sister up from Brownies, next night me at swimming classes, bedtimes etc etc.

I had a good childhood don't get me wrong but I sometimes look back and feel sorry for my mum! It must have been so hard. One on one time was none existent so we didn't really know her on any level other than the cook, the cleaner, the handholder accross the road. Sadly I don't think she really 'knew' us either. We were just 'the kids'. I appreciate many people manage and somehow factor in one on one time but it just become so much harder when you're out numbered.

Anyway, this has become rather negative hasn't it?! Sorry, I am sure it would be lovely at times but for me it just all seems like 'hard work' and not enough time to enjoy the rewards. Good luck with whatever you decide. Plenty of families manage 3 and many more children. Perhaps I am just a lightweight!

bubbleboy thanks for taking the time to answer, a lot to think about.

One saving grace is DH is a SAHP and I get a good maternity leave package so we'd both be home for the first 8 months of the baby's life (as we've been for this maternity leave.