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We are in number 4 discussions!
17

littlepeas · 22/07/2013 09:09

What should we consider when making the decision? We had 3 without thinking about it a great deal as we both always wanted 3! Things stand like this so far:

  • we have a big enough car already

  • we do not have a big enough house, but a move is planned for the next couple of years

  • I get spd, though I think it is relatively mild compared to others

  • I would need a 4th section (have read a lot about this and am fairly happy with the risks - not that much more than last time)

  • I can't stop thinking about it. I am worried I will really regret it if we don't.

  • dh is happy to stop at 3, but will consider another (he is very hands on, involved dad and will want and love the baby once if we go for it).

  • Money and time! How expensive will it be? How much will we be run off our feet? Will we have time for each if them as individuals??

  • everyone I know who was 1 of 4 had a fabulous childhood and comes from a close family - obviously this makes me think that 4 is the ultimate!

  • we are happy as we are and I worry about messing with it.

  • I am early 30's, so age isn't an issue. Dc are nearly 5, nearly 4 and nearly 2, 2 boys and a girl (girl in the middle).
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Theas18 · 22/07/2013 09:20

Gosh littlepeas...

I'm sure you will get lots of positive stuff about having 4 but you have a perfect family of 3. Why risk your health for no 4 with SPD ( it doesn't always go away after birth....) or another section?

I have 3. It is expensive and limits what we do already. As yours are smalls it probably hasn't hit how much 2 adults 2 kids is a family ticket/family room/family car/family table in a cafe etc. All those things are an issue ( or have been, the kids are big now). Yes they are not insurmountable, but when you have to wait for a table with hungry kids, or as I'm doing now, ending up with 2 kids ( OK 20 and 17!) in one travel lodge and the 14yr old DH and me in another cheapy airport hotel ( because the travel lodge which the eldest booked as she had to stay the night before too) couldn't possibly, no way put any form of a " put you up" for a child not in a cot... It all gets a bit stressy.

DD2 has a mate who is the eldest of 4. Amazing lovely family. BUT the pre school years were very very tough for mum.

The other family of 4 I know well have a big age gap between 3 and 4. That is something to consider as that has worked well. They actually don't take 4 kids on holiday as the biggest is independent and the baby is doted on by them all.

(and don't even think about " what if we had to pay to educate one or more" I'm assuming you have lovely state schools?)

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Theas18 · 22/07/2013 09:21

As you can see our family is mixed gender GBG . It's fab. DS feels special as the only boy. Noone is left out, what ever people say about odd numbers.

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WinkyWinkola · 22/07/2013 09:26

Go for it.

You're moving house anyway.

Expense? Well yes holidays etc but a gite in France or camping will cost the same.

Ford Galaxy is a great car for family of six.

Mess up what you have? Well of course it will change but everyone adjusts and can take a bit of time.

Personally I think it's your decision because nobody else's family is like yours.

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littlepeas · 22/07/2013 12:44

Oh, I so, so want to, even though we'd be more sensible to stop.

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Thirstysomething · 24/07/2013 21:00

If you so so want to, you should!!
But I have wondered once or twice why we went for four when having three was perfectly lovely and was a lot easier/cheaper with cars/holidays etc!.
Of course, now that I HAVE number 4, I wouldn't be without him for a second...

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DomesticCEO · 24/07/2013 21:05

I'm one of 4 - mum had 4 under 3 - and loved it. All so close in age we had a wonderful childhood.

My mum was one of 3 and determined not to have 3 as she felt the dynamics didn't work - having seen friends with 3 I'm inclined to agree.

However, we stopped at 2 due to infertility so I'm not really qualified to comment! Although I think my mum is even more of a hero now I know how hard it is to bring up two small ones - 4 under 3 doesn't even bear thinking about!

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majormoo · 25/07/2013 11:09

My 4 are between 9 and 1. I think having the 4th has meant I am by necessity less involved with things outside the family owing to lack of time and money. Over the last two weeks we've had ds3's christening, a family wedding; niece's birthday, dd's birthday party and endless school performances, sports days, school drinks etc. All fun stuff but it is tiring. I went for lunch with some of my oldest friends the other week and half of them ended up in tears over finally being able to talk about illnesses, bereavements, relationship problems. It really struck me that when I just had one or two kids I was definitely more available to my friends. I would hope that as the kids get older that will change.

Plus the mess, the noise, the endless questions. But I would not change it...

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chloeb2002 · 26/07/2013 21:26

We now have 4.. 10,5,2,4 month . I'm loving 4.. It's even better when I go out with a friend who has two more aged 8 and nearly 2... If one of us goes to the loo .. The looks you get with 6 kids! Soooo funny! Yes non stop now I get the.. Wow how many do you have??? Followed by really! And that keeps you busy. Then I point out I'm a nurse too.. And get a look like I must be crazy!
Go for it. 4... Good even number. No middle child.. I had 3 cs. Won't risk number 5 as I had progressively worsening pph with last two! Wink
Of course an extra child costs more.. But more hand me downs too.
Enjoy!

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Journey · 26/07/2013 21:53

I think there is a big jump from having 3 dcs to having and four. Trying to juggle two little ones when the two older ones are still only young can be hard work. It can also be a bit isolating as well when you want to make plans with other mums who only have 2 dcs who are the same age as your older two. Running around after two little ones when they don't have that issue isn't much fun. Logistics can be a big issue. Trying to get all four dcs in a car to take one to a club can be a lot of work. Helping with homework for your older two can be stressful with two little ones wanting your attention.

I have 4 dcs and wouldn't change it for the world but it is hard work. If I stuck at 2 dcs life would be a breeze just now. Three would be fairly easy but demanding at times, however, a fourth makes the work constant when they're little and I think the older two don't get as much attention as they should.

It also gets expensive having four dcs. The costs for one more dc is significant.

I think if your heart says you want a fourth dc I'd go for it but just be prepared for the constant demands you'll get when they are little.

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littlepeas · 26/07/2013 23:26

Thank you everyone. Still not feeling sure either way. I want to do what is right for everyone, but just not sure what that is. I can't help feeling that the dynamic would be better with 4 than with 3 - just a gut feeling, not really based on anything. I was just saying to dh that I feel like 1 and 2 dc are one banding, and then 3 and 4 dc are another, so we are already in the banding, we may as well go for it! It would be very easy to stop, but I think I would come to regret it. I have a very deep rooted feeling that our family should have 4 children. Practically it is a much harder decision. I am a sahm and intend to remain so, so I do have a lot of time for all of them, also dh is very hands on and involved - we schedule things carefully so they each get individual time, but I do realise this will be more difficult once they are all at school and I can't juggle their nursery hours in such a way that I get time with each of them alone every week. I do think they benefit enormously from each other, I really do.

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Bowlersarm · 26/07/2013 23:34

I think you should go for it, but negatives you may not have thought of.

A) i have three close in age and for a few years I felt there was 'someone missing' because I wanted four. That feeling goes, and it didn't take long for me not to think there was someone missing but that five, is in fact our perfect family

B) it's much easier when they are little. Ferrying three older children around is a nightmare. I can't imagine the chaos and time restraints of sorting four out. I'm knackered. Now very very pleased we didn't go for four

I think you will though

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irisblue · 27/07/2013 14:41

I think only you can decide (sorry that's not much help!) as everyone is different. I have a friend who only has one child and is deliberating whether to have another as she thinks it would be too much - to her 3 or 4 children would be a nightmare (but that's just her - I would never have contemplated choosing to have just one). Then again, I have another friend who has 4, copes brilliantly and is vaguely thinking about number 5. What I'm saying is that it's up to you. Some people love the chaos that children bring, others want their lives more orderly - you just need to work out what you can cope with and what you'd like.

On the 'go for it' side - I've always been envious of the friends I have, who grew up in 4 children families - they're all really close and being only one of two, I wish I had more brothers and sisters!

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littlepeas · 27/07/2013 16:03

I am one of two and felt like that as well irisblue. We are still talking! It's agonising, such a hard decision.

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littlepeas · 28/07/2013 06:18

We're going for it! Decided last night. To celebrate our decision ds1 was sick multiple times during the night and ds2 woke up at 4:50am! You know, to remind us about the hard bits! Still want to though, so I must really want to!

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Praying4Beatrice · 29/07/2013 20:32

Withdrawn at the user's request

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Maryann1975 · 03/08/2013 09:26

My DH is one of four and his family are so unclose you wouldn't believe. I have no idea why they had four children as MIL didnt enjoy motherhood and doesn't seem to enjoy her grandchildren either. We haven't seen BIL for months and only see the rest of them periodically. So bigger families are not always close, it depends on the family.

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workingonitagain · 03/08/2013 16:55

just read your thread and it's great that you have decided to go for it. i also think it isn't always definite that big family will be close but you and ur dh have clearly been putting a lot of thought and effort to make sure your family will be so have no doubt you will create a lovely family of 6 Smile good luck x

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