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Original poster

Four children-a step too far?

19 replies

AnLeanbh · 25/06/2013 23:01

We have 3-a very active 5 year old + 3 year old twins.
I had thought-wanted - to feel "done" but an insidious broody feeling just wont go away recently. DH not on board at all-he worries about return to sleepless nights/money/his work performance with even more stress/the logistics of it all(I work part -time,no family support locally).All completely understandable. So it looks unlikely-and Im 39 now-so probably not advisable to even try!
Im hoping Ill be able to move on(but part of me thinks if I really was sure there is a chance he might capitulate...selfish I know)
So what I really need are honest opinions about the leap from 3-4.
Does 4 just tip you over the edge?I suppose I am looking for the more negative aspects to help me feel more at peace with my decision....

OP posts:

P0M1 · 26/06/2013 13:02

Four doesn't make much of a difference in the great scheme of things but it is expensive, our no. 4 was a surprise a lovely one but it's the idea that dh will be 60 by the time he finishes school and it would be nice to get to a stage when things ease off a bit financially before he retires!

Cravingdairy · 26/06/2013 13:04

You would have to consider the remote possibility of having twins again.

Nicknamegrief · 26/06/2013 13:07

I have 4, 9,6,3 and almost 6ms.

I am busier but it is no harder than having 3 IMO. We hope to have number 5 ....

Annunziata · 26/06/2013 13:20

The logistics are harder with 4.

Think about your car, your bedrooms, buying school uniforms, time off work. 'Family deals' in days out or holidays rarely go up to 4 dc.

sweetno64 · 04/07/2013 20:56

my number 4 was a complete bolt out the blue (and medically she should never have been concieved!!) and partly that is why I have struggled - more because it wasnt planned than anything.

I agree with the above - 4 puts a different strain on regarding holidays/cars etc we had to get a hideous van which I hate attempting to park anywhere but if we kept the zafira we wouldnt have been able to go out on day trips or anything. Things like going swimming is tricky as we can only just take all 4 now with both adults.

I manage working 2 days a week, hubby works 4 days but 6am-6pm days and it does feel like a 2 person job a lot of the time whereas I always felt pretty in control with 3.

It does feel pretty amazing to have 4 children though - and twins as they get older do sometimes act like a singleton in terms of going to school at the same time and being independant at the same time.... (my boys are 6 now )

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 08/07/2013 00:48

DC4 3 weeks old, so jury is still out! Others DDs 6&2 and DS 4 ... Much loved and wanted last child (both DH and myself happy with that and actually #5, as eldest stillborn). Hopeful things will be ok, as he seems as chilled and mellow as his elder brother (who has been no bother at all, so long as fed and cuddled regularly). I love my daughters, but they have been louder, more opinionated and (definitely) a greater emotional challenge. Practical issues like beds and cars not insurmountable and plenty of clothes and toys alreay owned ....

ClairesTravellingCircus · 08/07/2013 07:02

Our fourth was also a but of a surprise as third pregnancy was twins.
I find four quite difficult logistically, but I guess a lot of it is to do with them being twins!
We did have to get a bigger car, which is of course a huge expense, and forget holidays!
But I do admire that you even consider having another after twins! Mine have finished me!!

littlepeas · 08/07/2013 09:21

I am having much the same thought at the moment! I have 3 - ds nearly 5, dd 3.5 and ds nearly 2 - and want a 4th, but the thought also scares me half to death!

throckenholt · 08/07/2013 09:27

I have 3 - similar combination to yours. I think a 4th would have finished me off !

Friends I know who have 4 - most are run ragged most of the time. A few families I know who have 5 or more - seem to cope serenely (at least from the outside).

I think my honest concern would be having one who is so much younger than the others - would add a different dynamic. And also if your twins are non-id I would be worried it might be twins again.

Mummysaysno · 08/07/2013 09:31

DC4 is just five weeks old...and no regrets. I had got to the stage where the other three were at school so had days to myself which was lovely to have space after years of babies/toddlers. Now I will enjoy being with this baby as I know it flies by!!!

We already had a 7-seater car, so no problem there. Holidays...we found hotels wouldn't let more than 2 children to share with parents anyway, so no change there!

Downside...I found this pregnancy the hardest, and had more complications.

I really plan to stop now...we feel complete!

notso · 08/07/2013 09:58

I have four aged 13, 8, 2 and 16 months. I feel like it's either fantastic or it's horrendous there seems to be no middle ground!
A lot of it has to do with our particular circumstances though.
Big age gaps between the first two and the last two mean we are dealing with teenage tantrums AND the terrible twos.
The 16 month gap between DC3 and DC4 has been tough on us, I think it would be almost as tough if they were our only two.
There are lot's of little things we didn't really consider about having 4 that have made things more difficult.
For instance our parent's can't take all our DC in their cars anymore. Visiting people can be difficult, 6 extra people is a lot to fit in most peoples houses.
Just popping out for lunch or a coffee which we used to do a lot with just 2 DC becomes expensive and it's harder just to turn up somewhere.
Food shopping, things which used to last a few days are gone in a day!

GeekInThePink · 08/07/2013 10:20

I'd love another one but yes, as above I think the leap might just be too much.
If it did happen I would be delighted but I think I need my 3 to be older, youngest at school ty

GeekInThePink · 08/07/2013 10:22

...type of thing.

I don't feel completely done with having DC but then I remember my last labour, the stress and worry of pregnancy. We have 3 healthy babies, we are so so lucky. But then I do get a pull when I see a bump or a newborn.

notso · 08/07/2013 10:36

I do to Geek. DH has had the snip so definitely no more for me. I feel done most of the time, it's only when I hear of someone else getting pg or having a baby I feel broody.
I love being pregnant and my last two were sneeze births. It would be too tough on my DC to have anymore though.

Theas18 · 08/07/2013 10:52

Just be aware of course no 4 may be no 4+5 .....

We stopped at 3. 4 would have too much. DD2 has friends who have 4, lovely family. Would have finished me off though!

ThePortlyPinUp · 08/07/2013 11:00

We have 4 girls 11,8,5,4. Our number 4 was a complete shock and arrived only 13 months after dd3. Downsides include having to have a 6+ seater car, standard holidays are geared up for families of 4 or 5 and never 6 plus, school uniform shopping costs a bomb and they eat me out of house and home, however I have 4 completely individual girls who each have special talents and are the delight of my life. I wouldn't change it now but we took the decision for dp to have a vasectomy as we just couldn't afford any more.

lljkk · 08/07/2013 11:08

I have 4. Fighting is the main thing that truly stresses me out. Never had any squabbling until DC3 was 18m old, so really not easy to predict, either.

Original poster

AnLeanbh · 10/07/2013 20:46

Thank you everyone!As predicted pros and cons!
It is definitely a case of the heart(me) versus the head(dh),and honestly the only thing that would hold me back would be the thoughts of more twins(yes they are non-identical).
I suppose I just love the chaos + how they are all have such different personalities + we have have had the most amazing years(difficult ,yes of course at times) since they came along.
Would love if I had that feeling of being "done"-would make it so much easier!

OP posts:

Debs75 · 10/07/2013 20:57

I have 4; 17, 14, 4 and 2. 3 girls and 1 boy, all to the same partner. We thought we were done with 2, a boy and a girl. No 2 was a complete surprise and no 4 less then 2 years later was the biggest surprise ever.

Going from 1 to 2 was harder than from 2 to 3, 3 to 4. Yes you need more room, we have finally been able to move from a 3 to a 4bed and for the first time in almost 5 years me and dp have a bedroom to ourselves again We had a 7 seater as Ds is disabled so just got a larger 7 seater. Holidays are harder as we just need so much stuff, 2 kids in nappies, 1 of whose we can't buy from a shop. buggies, although I have just thrown the big one away and the stroller will be going soon. We tend to caravan and we noticed although there is room for 6 people there wasn't enough room for all their things. Centreparcs was so much more roomy.

I still don't feel done in my head but practicality has swept in and pushed those feelings to one side. I dearly want another boy but I am getting old and starting Uni in a couple of years to get my dream job. Another baby would mean cancelling that, or at least postponing it for 3 years or so. Plus I have 4 happy children and a very happy relationship and I don't want to jeopardise that.
Ask me again when dc4 is halfway through primary school and I hope I will still feel the same

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