Second child guilt

[Ferret123]

Hi all,

I just wondered if any of you felt guilty when you had your second child? I had my second baby two and a half weeks ago, and I've really struggled with feelings of guilt towards my first. The age gap is very small, only 16 months which in some ways makes it worse, as I feel like my first is still my baby (which she is, but rapidly changing every day). I realise I'm awash with hormones and all emotional too at the moment.

I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with dd1 as dd2 wants to nurse constantly, or needs changing, etc. dd1 is not old enough to fully understand and she's certainly not old enough to sit down with a book or anything while I feed my newborn. She's into everything and it's a miracle to get her to sit still for more than two mins! Only mr maker can do that. I feel guilty for bringing another baby into our lives because Dd1 and I had our own little gang and now that's all changed (and then of course I feel bad for thinking that).

I feel guilty that dd2 isn't getting my full attention either, she's so tiny and helpless and of course she's not getting as much attention as dd1 had as a newborn.

So basically I'm living in a vicious circle of never ending guilt at the moment, and I'm constantly tearful which is driving me mad really. I'd like to know if anyone else felt guilty when their second came along (whatever the age gap) and whether the feeling gets easier to deal with in the end? I wouldn't be without my girls of course, but if feels like everyday is the same at the moment.

We'd like three or four children in the end, but I'm not sure I could bear feeling like this again. Is it easier after the 2nd?

Thanks in advance

x

You do feel guilty and it is hard. The bond you've enjoyed so far has changed but it is no less special. The guilt wasn't an issue for me with dc3 and 4 as my dc's were already sharing me iyswim so I wouldn't let it put you off.

Yes I guess they miss out on a bit of mum time initially but they gain more in the long run. Fast forward a bit to when they're running through the door, cheeks flushed from the cold and keen to tell you about their latest antics at the park - you'll be glad they have each other to create childhood memories with

When dd2 came along, I didn't really feel any guilt. Actually, I was really happy that I had given her a sister, a (hopefully) lifelong friend. Someone she could argue with and love, in equal measure! I felt just as happy when dd3 came along. When dd4 came along, I did feel guilt, or perhaps a sense that maybe I had well and truly fucked up. Dd3 response to her sibling, or more accurately to me, was shocking. She hated me. It caused months of difficulty. But now, nine months on, I can safely say that dd4 loves her sister and has a close bond with me. All her 'disturbing' behaviour (eg crying at the door when daddy was at work and inconsolable all day) is a thing of the past.

My girls are all close, under two year age gaps, and there is jealousy on a daily basis. And no, I don't feel I get enough time for each of them. But on the other hand, they have lovely sisters and a nice little sibling dynamic that (hopefully) will endure long after dh and I die (horrible thought, but true...).

You're still just getting the hang of things with 2dds. Try putting dc2 in a sling and it will make it easier to do things with dc1. The guilt will pass. You've created a lovely family for your dds. By the time you get to dc3, you'll be old hand at this! It will get better....