3 (or more, or 2!) close together and then another with a bigger gap?

[3monkeys3]

I have 3dc very close in age (13 month and 22 month gaps). I'd really like one more child, but realistically couldn't go through another pregnancy very soon - my youngest is coming up to 12 months and previously things would be underway/nearly underway with the next dc by this stage with the others! I get spd, which I believe is relatively mild compared to how it could be, but still find things very difficult and would need a 4th section as well. I also need to convince my dh, who is happy to stop at 3 - I am fairly sure he could be persuaded without much pushing, he loves being a dad and is thinking along practical lines. So, I am wondering about a bigger gap - maybe as little as 3 years, but perhaps 4 or 5 years. The 3 year gap doesn't worry me greatly as my eldest and youngest have 3 years between them and are developing a wonderful bond. But if we went with something larger, would poor, hypothetical dc4 be forever left out by the older 3? I realise that all families are different and they would still be likely to bond and get on, just in different ways - it is just quite hard for me to imagine as we planned 3 (just) under 3 in the hope of them being close and this would be a bit of a deviation from the plan! I know that some people would have another 2dc close together, but this isn't an option for us as I couldn't consider 5 sections and 4dc is my stopping point regardless (unless we had twins of course, which would be quite cool I suppose!). Anyone have any experience of this sort of family dynamic?

Hi 3monkeys! I have no experience but will be watching with interest.

We too have 3 dc with smallish gaps of 21 months each (5.4, 3.7, 1.11). Ds1 and ds2 have autism. If life wasn't so stressful because of it we'd probably have a dc4 already but things need to be more settled. At the moment we are planning to conceive around this time next year, thus ds3 would be 3.7 or so when baby comes along. If things are still very difficult we will wait another year, and if still difficult we will probably leave it altogether.

I grew up in a family with 18mo gap and then 6.5yrs gap. I'm the oldest. This is just what happened in our family. My Mum loved having the gap and then the next baby. She really enjoyed being able to focus on baby things but without all the stress of it all being new and unknown. Plus my family were in a much better situation financially so that made things easier. The baby was just carted around a lot of the time, but having exclusive time with Mum during the day made up for it.

But it made for a hard family dynamic. DSis1 took not being the baby anymore quite hard and my sisters didn't get on at all when they were growing up. They get on fine now though. DSis2 found it hard once us older ones had left home. She had some amazing experiences - partly due to having older sisters, partly because my parents had more money.) But she was lonely. It is also quite hard for her now that DSis1 and I are married and settled and she isn't. Having said all that, DSis2 and I get on really, really well.

I'm now in a similar situation to you - 3 close together and want a 4th but can't at the moment. We are going to stop at 3 because I don't want another 2 and wouldn't have just 1 with a big gap. (My parents did try for another one after DSis2 and it just didn't happen, so it wasn't planned.)

I had 3 DS - now 18,16,and 13 and that was it.... or so I thought. 8 yrs later had accidental DS4. I was shocked and horrified when I found out I was pg and really didn't want any more, my youngest was 8 and I SO did not want to go back to the sleepless nights and nappies.

BUT he is a joy and such a lovely addition to the family dynamic, the older ones love him (he is now 4) and take care of him - I have lots of babysitters. It really takes the sting out of the teen tantrum when he runs up to them with outstretched arms. It has given the older ones a real insight into childcare, and made them more empathetic in general. I try not to ask too much of them in this respect, but feel it is good for them to have some responsibility for him. It is very lovely to watch them getting as much pleasure from him as I do, even though sometimes he is a pain for them too!

It is quite a large gap, which may help the family dynamic as I have had none of the jealousy of the youngest losing his position the last poster had.
I would thoroughly recommend it. Good luck.

I have ds1 (10) ds2 (8) and ds3 (13 months)

The older Dc are brilliant with ds3 they adore him, he is spoilt rotten with attention and they are also so helpful if I want 5 minutes to make a cup of tea or sneak into the kitchen to eat chocolate. I love the age gap although feel sorry for the older dc at times as sometimes I think they lose out on having my attention as much as they should. Ds3 loves his brothers and can't get enough of them, he revels in the attention and loves people.

However, I do think that when ds3 is the same age as ds2 is now (8) they older boys will be 18 and 16 and won't want to play Lego or talk about buzz lightyear etc, I can imagine ds3 being lonely at Christmas etc I've enjoyed watching my older boys grow up together and now they just bugger off and play together instead of hanging round my legs it's great! So, exp and I decided to try for another dc so ds3 would have someone to grow up with. ('cept he's now left and I'm 14 weeks pregnant so it hasn't gone quite as planned!)

Ours is a little different as we are a blended family but my DDs are 15mo apart and DSD is 4mo younger than DD2. DH and I had DS when the girls were 6/7. He's now nearly 3. All rhe girls adore him and are great about playing with him. Having him does mean we cant do some things with the older ones that we would have done and days out sometimes take a bit more thought so theu suit everyone but overall it works and everyone seems happy.

I've been mulling this over and am only pregnant with DS2!

I'd like a 3rd and so would DH. However, I have to work part time due to our outgoings and we rely on family for childcare. We couldn't expect any more from them.

But if in 5 years I return to work full time (likely to be possible) and we save for a while we prob could afford childcare (also finish paying 2 loans and car loan around then). It would mean me being at least 35 and the current children being 5 and 7.

I wonder if we'll go for it- feel quite sad that this could be my last pregnancy/baby!

I have two who are 22months apart then there was an 11year gap. They all love each other to bits. We have found our little one is actually very lucky as the older two dote on him like mini parents too!!