Thinking of no. 4, but ...

[bessyboop]

Hi there! I have 3 DD and would really like to try and have a 4th child. DP could be persuaded (he's trying for a promotion - which will leave us financially secure). But I have a rough time during pregnancies because of SPD, and have been on crutches every time during preg, and after giving birth for a few weeks. I've coped until now because DP is around. But if he gets the promotion, it means he will be away most of the week. So I'll have to deal with everything eg bed times, school runs. DD1 is 5yo, DD2 is 23 months and DD3 is 8 months. I really don't know what to do. DP is unsure as well. I am told by my physio that some mothers don't get SPD every time during pregnancy... I'm sure I could manage to deal with 4 children as I am now. Anybody else had SPD and had 4 kids, and had to cope on their own most of the time?! TIA x

Not been in your specific situation but had pretty bad SPD whilst pregnant with twins, whilst being on my own with my toddler most of the time. It was tough though my brain is already trying to erase the memory!! . Obviously being twins I was huge which was the main problem but I'm guessing the SPD is fairly similar in a singleton pregnancy.

I guess the question (and the one I'm thinking about a lot myself actually, whilst I still remember the pains of pregnancy...!) is whether you want another child enough to be able to put up with the difficulties of pregnancy/possible repeat of SPD.

They always say the first 5 years are the hardest so I always try and imagine the family I want once they're past that age, so in your case perhaps imagine them being 10, 6, and 5 roughly, and whether you'd be happy with your family being that size by then :)

Thanks Lemele, that's one way of looking at it! I would love another child to add to that equation.

Yep, your right - I don't know if I can cope with more pain (the SPD, ime, goes worse each pregnancy :( ) It's really hard to decide - because what if I dont get any pains if I fell pregnant? DD1 will be older, and could help me more around the house ... I've got family support, so that's great, but don't like to depend on them too much. I guess I'll just have to decide if I can risk getting pregnant again, and how I'd cope if I had severe SPD with 3 other kids/house to look after...

Can't imagine having SPD, with 2 babies pushing down on the pelvic area - you're a hero!!

Lets just say it was.... uncomfortable! But yes, it is 9 months but all the same it's ONLY 9 months and if what you really want is another child then I would focus on working out the best way for that to happen IYSWIM - aside from the obvious!!

Could you wait until u are a bit more financially secure and hire a doula? I had one for birth when u was a single mum of 4 and she was fab. You can also get post natal doula to help post few weeks after birth. Not as expensive as a nanny and only short term basis. There's s national doula website

I think you would be absolutely crazy to have a fourth. Imagine if that child was disabled, how on earth would you cope, with 3 other children already?

And I don't think it's fair to expect your 5 year old DD to pick up the slack if you get SPD.

That's a good idea Mrs Mop - it's only short term, hopefully. Still waiting to hear if Mr Bessy has got that promotion ...

To be fair Gemma, I would cope - as many do. And with regards of a disabled child, thats the risk, and again, I would have to cope - like many do. My thread is about coping with everything while pregnant with the possibility of having SPD again. And no, I wouldn't expect my 5 yo to do the house work. Just help now and again eg with both last pregnancies, while I couldn't bend down to get the plates from the cupboard etc she reached them carefully for me; helped me to put some clothes in the washing mashine, pick toys up from floor etc. She never moaned. She loved helping me, and making sure that I was ok. Surely all 5 yo can help do all those tasks. I wouldnt call that picking up the slack.

I can't talk from the SPD aspect but I had DC4 6monhs ago when the others were 6, 4 and 2 so a similar gap to yours. If you DH is away a lot through his promotion would you be able to get a cleaner once a week to take a bit of the household chores pressure off if you SPD builds up again? I would also get to know a few of your DC1's friends mums who could drop her home from school for you if you are in pain and live near the school. After DC4 was born a few of my friends were waiting to collect older children anyway so were happy to drop DD1 home for me and it was a great help.

I'd love to have a cleaner now! But DP won't have any of it... Ha. But if we go for the 4th, I'll have to have words. I've got family nearby that can help with the school run if needed - but I hate depending on people, lol. That's a great idea Fresh - I'm sure some of the other mums could drop my daughter off after school. Well, hopefully, if I ask nicely!

The cleaner has been my sanity saver as at least one day a week I know the house is clean and tidy for a short while! I found people offered to drop DC1 home after DC4 arrived. Three friends each brought her home a particular day of the week for a couple of months, the other 2 days we were going on to activities so I collected her. Like you I like to be independent but over winter with a newborn they wanted to help. In return I tried to do extra Rainbow and party runs when DH was around to watch our kids.

I also recommend a cleaner! I have a fabulous one on adhoc basis! I have 6 dc permanently at home and anything up to 12 Inc me and dh!

Have you stopped to think about the possibility of a 4th child having special needs? Right now you seem to be worried about SPD but do consider that the fantasy child might not be quite as easy as the rest. The more children you have the more your chance of having one with SN and while we still love them and wouldn't change them yada yada yada, it does mean an extra large dose of guilt, time and emotion that is hard enough if it's your firstborn. I can't deny that life with 3 was much harder than we predicted.
As mum of 2 SN kids (out of 3) I do find broody women do stick their heads in the sand about the possibility (I myself took an informed risk with my 3rd). SN mums are not saints, it can happen to anyone an we just deal with it but it helps to be sure your relationship is as strong as it an be and you have a good support network just in case.

Hi Silk, thanks for your message. Of course I worry about SN, but I started this thread to ask advice from other mothers that have had SPD. It's one of the aspects that worry me if I may get pregnant again with my 4th, and just want to know if others have coped. I'm not asking if I should have a 4th based on any other problems. But that doesn't mean that I haven't thought of every possibility under the sun eg the 4th having special needs etc. If I wanted to know the ins and outs of everything, I wouldn't have started one specifically on SPD. I'm fully aware how hard it is. My best friend have two SN kids, and know how hard it is - but also a joy, of course, as you know. As I said, thanks for bringing the issue to my attention x

I am pg with number 4 and I've had SPD each time. It did get worse with each pg, but have been having acupuncture every other week in this pg which has really helped.

I do however have an 8 yr gap between dc2 and 3 which made things easier. It will be tough for you having such little ones (it used to take me 15 to stand up sometimes! memories eh...)

But can definitely recommend acupuncture

Thanks RnB. SPD sucks doesn't it... Never tried acupuncture, only physio and support belt. And been on crutches every time. Well worth a try then, if we go for it! Unfortunately, I slipped a few days back, and my sensitive back is really sore. Am in agony. I seem to cope ok with the little ones - DD3 is only 8 months, so needs to picked up often. Struggle a bit to put her in the highchair, I'll have to invest in one of those booster seats for a chair on the kitchen table, so I don't have to stretch as much. Have been on my own with them all weekend - lucky the weather was nice, so we could be outside! Gave me a bit of experience how it would be like if I got pregnant again.

I could have been you about 3 years ago, 3 DDs wanted another one but terrible SPD. Just wrote another thread on this but what we did was me on cocodamol, didn't like taking them but it was them or crutches. I could get by with two in the morning taken 30 mins before I had to get up and two about lunchtime then DP could come in and take over.

DP worked compressed hours/at home/used holidays to work 3 days a week for the last 4 months, he did everything housework, baths etc, I had an ironing lady too. You would need to get some help. Mine were 5.1, 3.7 and 13 months when I got pregnant with no4, SPD got worse each time sorry.

They are now 8, 6.6, 4 and 2, DS is an utter delight worth every minute of the pain, wasn't saying that at the time though, got horribly depressed too.

I would say go for it if you can have a good support network in place, it's hell at the time but it does pass.

Thanks for your reply sweetkitty - you've soooo been through it! I was on cocodamol, but only had them at night (2 of them). Was afraid that any more would make the baby 'sleepy'? Maybe I was over cautious? I'll have to speak to the GP if I do get pregnant, and get these on prescription.

You seem to have a fab DP! Lucky you :) With my third pregnancy, DP was around lot more with me, and was really hands on, and still is (until he hopefully gets his promotion). With my second pregnancy, he was working long hours, and couldn't be around all the time. But I coped. Of course, I only had DD1 then, and she was at nursery for a few hours in the afternoon every day, week days. This time round, I'll have to cope with two pre-schoolers, while probably on crutches (if I get SPD again). But I've got family support, but hate to depend on them. But probably will have to though... And I know they would love to help, as they adore all three of my DDs.

If you have family support that's all the difference, on the grand scheme of things it is only a few months compared to a lifetime with a child.

If I needed more pain relief I would take one cocodamol and one paracetamol. DP is very good when he's here, it was him that said we should have another when DD3 was 3 months, he knew I would be incapacitated for much of my pregnancy, I hated it at the time but DS is worth it. He's 2 now.