how to decide whether to try to have another child?

[nowittynickname]

There's so many practical reasons to decide to stop at 3 kids - I'm the main earner and having more time feeling sick at work, more mat leave etc wouldn't be helpful & would probably be frowned on by some. It'd probably make a big difference in how my career progresses (or doesn't) from now on, as everyone assumes I'm done. The kids currently have their own rooms and if we have another they'd have to share. We're not getting any younger, and we find it hard to fit everything in as it is.

But dc1 keeps asking for us to have another (!), we'd both like to - I've been desperate to since having dc3. But now that we might actually start trying, I'm worried and suddenly not totally sure - dc3 was a lot of hard work, should I just be happy with the beautiful kids I have?

I hardly know anyone irl with more than 3 - are any of you out there working full time or near enough with more than 3? After the early days, have things been that much harder with 4? Or have any of you stopped at 3 when you considered having 4 & how do you feel about it now?

Thanks for reading this far!!

Sadly I don't have the answer as I'm still trying to talk myself into stopping at 3. I have one in primary, secondary and uni so bedrooms isn't the problem, but considering how we'd cope going through the preschool stage again

If yours are still younger I'd go for it, don't leave it as long as me :(

I was just thinking of starting a thread on a similar theme- I have 3 and will be starting a new job in a couple of months- temporary to start with but with a good chance of becoming permanent. I feel like I might scupper my chance there if I do have another one. Also my ds3 who is just over 1 is still not sleeping through, and still a lot of hard work. Ds2 can be quite a handful at times too. I would like to have finished my family by 35 and I'm nearly 34 now. My boys are 5,2 an 1
I just can't get my head round this decision and it's really doing my head in!!! How do you decide??! Money? Practicality? Follow your heart? Forget your career?
Lets hope someone comes along with some answers!

There's a thread further down on the larger families board called 'how to persuade my DH into having a 4th' or v similar title.

It's not my thread, I already have 4, but I have posted my thoughts on it along with some other mothers of 4.

It's telling it like it is, but there's some good advice there!

HTH

I think thats a bit different hallamoo because this OPs dh is in agreement

The OP might be slightly different, but my response would be the same!

IME, 4 is A LOT more than 3. A 4th child put lots of strain on the family unit in all area; space, time, money, is the house big enough, is the car big enough etc. I constantly feel like I'm doing 100 things at once and not doing any of them well. I feel that each if my children miss out on one to one time with me. I'm permanently exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I love them all dearly and would lay down my life for all of them, but it's no picnic!

Just make sure your expectations are realistic and make sure you aren't looking at people with 4 through rose tinted glasses.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

I have been pondering this myself and after lots of lurking on here and lots of thinking/agonising, I have come out the other side having decided to stop at 3. Main factors for me (in no particular order) are:

Hubby not properly on board (though could be persuaded)
Have already had 3 sections
Not good at pregnancy/get spd
Not enough room
Not enough money
Fear of pushing our luck
Being realistic about what I can cope with
Preserving a bit of time for myself
Preserving a bit of time as a couple
Am very happy as we are and don't want to mess with it
Have good combo of ds-dd-ds, so they each have a special place in the family (eldest, only girl, youngest)
Have been pregnant and/or bf for 4.5 years and counting....
Not sure my body could cope with any more sleep deprivation

It has been a bit of a journey for me, as I am an astonishingly broody person who LOVES the baby stage and feels very happy in my skin as a mummy. I don't think I will ever quite shake the broody, just one more feeling, but I know it is right for us.

So I suppose that is how you decide not to have another child! It's a tough decision.

That's very interesting pipfeh certainly a lot to think about in your post. I could almost write a similar list myself though I'm not quite at that stage yet. How long did it take you to get there - how old is your dc3?

My dc are 3y10m, 2y8m and 10 months - so all still very little. We've planned our family this way, so they are all close in age, and I know I couldn't have another little gap - I am very tired! We have talked about waiting 3/4/5 years and thinking of having another then, but then I worry about the littlest always being left out. I have been talking/thinking about having 4 children, since my eldest was born so it really has taken me to this stage to feel like I should stop at 3, if that makes sense. It's been a fight with myself more than anything else, as my dh is very happy to stop at 3 and always has been. I do know that whenever I get a chance to do something for myself, or with dh I feel most happy with the decision to stop, so I guess that once I am out of the baby stage and have more opportunities to do non-child related stuff it will be easier to move on. I do have to remind myself regularly that my life is about more than having babies - I think it is hard to keep that thought in your head when you're in the midst of it!

Thanks pipfeh, that's very useful. You certainly have got small gaps, I'm not surprised you are tired! We've just had a family holiday and lots of times I was thinking how things would be easier in a year etc, but another baby would delay things 'getting easier' for at least another 2 years, so it is food for thought reading your posts.
I'm going to try and decide in the next few months, and definitely before the end of the year.

I have 4 who are almost 6, almost 4, 2 and a bit and 9 months. I've always worked inbetween and have just gone back to work last month full time. Previously I worked 4 days but we emigrated inbetween DC3 and DC4 (when DC4 was 4 months) so I've taken a completely new job and FT was the only option. Couldn't really afford not to work. So what's different after DC4 is that I have a nanny instead of nursery which is AMAZING. I don't run like I did with nursery.

Yes the kids have 'damaged' my career at my last job - I was the woman who kept having boys - the office joke tbh but as I've left and gone to a completely new job alot of people think I don't have kids. It's always funny when they find out -last week one woman admitted she thought I was a young, single 'pomme' who'd come over to live the high life.

But tonight I came home and DC4 was twisting on the floor as it was 6pm and he was in the witching hour and I was honestly thinking 'in another year we'll be thought this stage'. I wouldn't change him but it's hard, hard work and I feel like I've never progressed from the baby stage in the last 6 years. I even find myself going 'SSHHHH' at work under my breath and rocking which is a bit sad is it not? I also do feel like a bit of a freak having 4 so young but I honestly think you can get over that by learning to care less.