Coming to terms with stopping at 2
WannabeEarthMomma · 03/07/2012 14:51
I'm interested to hear from mums who wanted a bigger family but, for whatever reason, ended up with 2 kids. If that sounds like you, how did you come to terms with it?
I've always thought it would be nice to have 3 or more kids, but I'm also a realist and wouldn't compromise my health or the happiness of my offspring in order to have a certain number.
I try to imagine myself with 2 kids but for some reason it makes me feel sad and I always imagine having more. I'm 30 but OH is 46, so we have not exactly got a lot of time. If we wanted more we would have to have them very close together. Sometimes I think having 2 with a 3+ year age gap would be more realistic when I take into account the fact I'm not really a 'baby' person.
Apologies if I've hurt anyone's feelings with these thoughts, I know it would be a blessing if I end up with 2 healthy children!! I know I ought to take it 'one baby at a time and see how it goes', but I feel nervous to even start ttc #1 even though I know I need to get on with it soon, and I think I might feel more confident about it if I were armed with some of your helpful comments re: the pros and cons of 2 kids.
fruity21 · 06/07/2012 10:47
I, like you, always wanted 3 kids being an only child myself and now, at 45 have DS of 5 and DD of 3.5.
If I'm being honest, we will probably stop here, though my heart wants another one as I realised recently on holiday as I stared at All the larger families with great yearning!
Firstly, the reality of having 2 kids close in age is that it is quite an overwhelming experience - there is no way DH and I could have contemplated a 3rd at the same interval as with the first 2, obviously other people do it but they are cut from different cloth than us! So, yes , you have to take one baby at a time.
I only now feel ready physically to go through pregnancy and birth again and able to cope with a baby (not really a baby person either). Arguably, I am already a bit old to be a new mum again.
Also DH not keen to go for 3rd but he knows I am keen and for him, it is largely down to finance.
2 is a manageable number in terms of hols, education, cars, etc. We still manage to have a good lifestyle whereas taking it up to 3 would stretch everything that bit more.
It is a question of looking at our lives and weighing everything up, as with most things there has to be compromise, and when I talk to friends with no or just 1 child, I realise there's not really a dilemma.
Honestly though, you need to get started and see how you go, the experience of pregnancy, childbirth and then the rearing of the children is different for every family. Get started and then, see how you feel!
imip · 06/07/2012 22:42
I always wanted 4 dcs and that's what I have. Before having children, I could never have imagined how difficult it is to be a mum! While it didn't stop me from having four, I know many who stopped at one or two for reasons such as how hard pregnancy was, how hard motherhood is. This may (or may not) influence you. You're right, have one and then see if that changes your outlook. Good luck!
Cloudminnow · 06/07/2012 22:54
I always wanted 3, but now I am very happy I left it at 2. I had them when I was 30 and 32 (but still wanted more up until I was about 36). Now they are heading towards their teens I find them quite exhausting, and I think I would find it much harder to be a good parent to any more than 2 (although I know that isn't the case with lots of parents). What helped me accept 'only' 2 was that they had no desire for further siblings, but I think it was only when they got to junior age and my own life moved away from baby and toddler circles and surroundings that I fully began to appreciate the joy of only having 2!
slipperandpjsmum · 07/07/2012 09:08
I have to agree with imp here. I wanted 4, which I have but really didn't think it would be this hard. Mine are teen, 2 preteens and a pre schooler and every phase has been tough in different ways. I think my problem is the combination in ages, something different needed from each phase at the same time.
Don't apologieswanna - this is the larger families thread!
slipperandpjsmum · 07/07/2012 09:10
oopps! topic - not thread - sorry
lollystix · 07/07/2012 11:06
I didn't really think past one tbh and never imagined myself with more than 2. A boy and a girl and a nice house with a white picket fence...blah blah..never thought about age gaps etc but what I've found is that life goes a bit off course in your 30's.
So here I am 6 years into baby making and I have 4 little boys (4 separate pregnancies) and I've just emigrated to the otherside of the world which I never thought I would do. I agree with the other posters who say just take it one at a time. Motherhood is overwhelming and you learn SO much about yourself....I'd just get cracking on the baby making and don't overthink it....baby number 1 is very, very tough re: the adjustment. No.2 is never as much work. No 3 is a breeze and no. 4 kind of tips you over the edge.
WannabeEarthMomma · 24/07/2012 21:49
Thanks for your responses guys.
Had a brief discussion with OH today and he said he'd like to have 2, as 'kids can be a handful.' I think he's assuming that all his offspring will be exactly like him, i.e. extrovert and boisterous!. Which I guess is a real possibility. I am an introvert from a family of mostly introverts and although I adore my OH he does overwhelm me sometimes! Fingers crossed I have at least one introvert child, so that I have someone in my own family who understands me like my other relatives do. But personality is not something that develops until later childhood so it's not like you can really 'keep going until you get what you want', like you can with a gender preference! Not that a mini version of OH would be a bad thing of course - it's just that having more kids might mean more chances of different personalities. I don't just want a cute baby, I look forward to the other stuff too, like seeing them go through their own rites of passage and being adults. If I could get some kind of guarantee that they'd be gentle and (mostly) well-behaved like me, I'd probably want to have 6!!
I don't understand why I feel this way - maybe because I feel like I have to be a bit 'different' than most people? I also look at my sister's 2 kids and think it would be so lovely if she had more, she's more of a mum type than me so I've always assumed she'd have loads! although I haven't actually asked her if she plans to have more or if she's decided herself to stick with 2.
I've been thinking more and more about the problem of time - I like the idea of having 2 or 3 and having them unusually close together so that OH is not too old, but am I setting myself up for a few years of misery if it's the wrong choice? As 'boring' as it seems to unconventional old me, having just 2 and having the 2nd when the first is 3 or 4 and in pre-school/school, might be the more reasonable choice, for someone like me who's never been the broody type before now?
Perhaps this is something you can only judge properly once you're already a mum? Anyone else been certain of a particular number and then chosen entirely by their own experience (not from medical reasons or because of spouse's preference), to change their mindset and stick to two?
BlackholesAndRevelations · 03/08/2012 07:28
Oh my gosh. Stop over complicating things! Ttc #1 first, then see how you get on from there. We have two, but considering a third (hence reading this board!) we knew we wanted more than one, so cracked on and have a 20 month age gap between our two. We've been indescribably lucky to be able to conceive so quickly! Now we've decided we won't have another 20 month age gap (!) but if we want # 3 we would ideally like 3 years max between Dcs 2 and 3. You never know how life is going to turn out though, so relax and get on with making babies! ;-)
mumnosGOLDisbest · 19/08/2012 01:31
i always wanted 3 and have 3. i'dd now love 4+ but can't afford to and as i'd have to have a 4th CS it would be a bigger risk (3rd CS was difficult). if i won the lottery i'd love to adopt more.
MummaSutton · 29/08/2012 23:34
I always wanted 2 or more dc's. I have a dss & dd with an 8 yr age gap. I have ms and as it worsened v soon after the birth of dd I was advised & decided to have no more children of my own. That decision was heartbreaking . But I know now that I would not be well enough to do as good a job as I am . My plans are to wait till dss is 20 and then start fostering.
Like the others have said make your first bundle of love first take the plunge it's hard work but so amazing, rewarding & worth everything xx
mumoftwoboysS · 02/09/2012 16:34
Lollystix- thanks for your breakdown of what it's like to have 3+kids. I'm thinking of going for a third and you saying 3rd is a breeze is nice to know ;-) lol! I think sometimes I'd be mad to have more (when the kids are acting up and everything is chaos) but I'm so broody -just don't feel like our family is complete yet (tho DS is more than happy with 2).....funny how some people are happy with 1, some 2, and some more!
jellybeans · 02/09/2012 16:54
I had twins with no 3 so went from two to four. Wow that was a big difference. I now have five and love it but it is sheer chaos. I had first 4 in 5 years and then big gap as we had lots of early and late losses. I always wanted at least 3 or 4. Lots means lots of expense. We share a car as two 7 seaters would be too much. Holidays are usually UK but we like them. Age gaps are hard on days out and hols as teenagers and babies have very dif ideas about what is fun. And keeping an eye on them all also is hard when out and about. I would never change it but it isn't for the faint hearted!
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