How do I persuade DH into having a fourth child?

[Fourkidspls]

We have 3 lovely DD's (4, 2 & 9m) but I have always wanted and still want 4 now does not want a fourth. I really would love one. 4 just seems right to me, perhaps as I am one of 4, he is only 1 of 2 kids so 3 already seems like a lot to him. Am I crazy to try to persuade him? I think I might resent him later in life if we do not have a 4th. It's a tough situation, me really wanting a 4th kid and him not wanting one... I am not getting any younger so do not want to leave it for a few years so would like to conceive in the next year or so...

I meant that I have always wanted and still want 4 but now DH does not want a fourth.

similar position but we are only on number 3. With no. 2 I went down the route of if dp wanted sex then he ran the risk of me getting pregnant. I will probably use this method again. Its different for everyone but i know that I want three children and deep down, as much as I love dp, I would probably want another child more.

Think of your carbon footprint. Three is lovely, four is a blessing but if your dh is not keen it would be unfair to push the matter.

Bonniebumble, I agree in a logical way with what you're saying but I cannot help the longing for a fourth child and am afraid of how I may resent DH when I get to the time when I can't have any more kids and that he didn't allow me have a fourth. I also feel that noone ever regrets having children (so he'd be ok with it eventually) but one often regrets not having them (I may be resentful later). But then having a fourth could push him over the edge and do damage to our marriage as could not having a fourth. Also just because he is against it I feel a bit like maybe I am pushing my luck as I already have3 wonderful kids.. what to do...

We had 3 and then I fell pregs with 4th unplanned. I'd wanted 4 after my third but actually around when I fell I had started to think maybe 3 was enough for us. It has been very stressful in our marriage as DH wanted me to terminate. We wouldn't change him for the world but it is hard going (they're all under 6) and it is very hard to find any time for us. We argue more than ever now and I'm just knackered. I know DH lives him to buts but I also know he finds having so many very overwhelming. I do understand that real urge to have another but it really does come with real life consequences. DH is struggling a bit and our marriage could be better

Loves him to bits....sorry unpredictive phone.

Thanks for the advice Lollystix. Your DH sounds like mine and that is what I am afraid might happen. I am also afraid of how I might feel in the future though (resentment). One of us has to make a sacrifice to give up what we want or don't want... It's a really tough call. In my mind the biggest change is from 2 to 3 and not 3 to 4 as you are already a big family at that stage and it's already madness (that's what some people told me) but obviously that is not the case always...

I suppose it's different for everyone. I found 2-3 no bother and we didn't have to make too much adjustment. 3-4 was more difficult

bonniebumbles
carbon footprint isn't really a fair point- op says she is older so assume in her 30s/40s Mums having children later have less carbon footprint than mum in teens or 20s who has say 2, who then have two each in their teens/ twenties etc. Plus it's how we live as individuals that can make a difference eg no holidays abroad, recycling and reusing clothes and toys, not wasting food, which are arguably more likely if you have a bigger family. A bit annoying when people say that, and I'll not even start on the wider issues of contributing to society, supporting pensioners etc.

Anyway OP I know how you feel. I was at your stage a few months ago, but much to my surprise DH has come round to the idea of one more child. However as ds3 STILL isn't sleeping through the night I can't contemplate getting pregnant at the moment, so everything is on hold for a wee while. I think this will also give me more time to make absolutely sure that a fourth child is a good idea. Ds3 is 1 btw, and I am 33 but dh 43 so we will need to decide, I think in the next 6 months so I can hopefully have my last baby before I'm 35.

You didn't say what age you were- maybe a few months of not talking about it would be helpful and re- assess say in autumn. Personally if dh said no I would just accept and enjoy what I have

OP, I was very much in your position just over a year ago. It did seem like it would become a huge issue in our relationship at some point. Luckily, dh did agree. I gave it about four months and I fell pg the first time with dd4. The pregnancy (like all the others) was really hard and I suffer from constant morning sickness, where I feel my quality of life is really poor because I want to vomit all the time. Dh did often get cross that I had got pregnant again, because it was making our lives so difficult. DD4 arrived four months ago. I can't lie, it has been hard and it is hard. He doesn't like the baby stage at all, which I get, it is tough. But I am so very glad that she is here. I don't know how I would have been if we hadn't have had her, it would have been very hard for me to give up having a fourth dc. A factor in our situation was that our first daughter was stillborn, and I guess after that I was so keen to have 4 dds that I think dh was more likely to see things from my point of view, at least emotionally. (dd4 is actually dd5, but i try not to confuse things here....). I wish you the best of luck...

Lolly, I actually have found 2 to 3 no bother also (to be honest I haven't found having kids too tough at any stage, probably because they are good sleepers) but for my DH 2 to 3 seems to be a big deal (not sure why) so I try to tell him that 3 to 4 would be hardly noticeable?.

Bonnieb: Thanks. carbon footprint is def not an argument. I don't have a car and live in central London in an apartment which already means I have much less of a carbon footprint than someone with one kid in a big house in the country that drives everywhere. Also (and I am going to sound really obnoxious saying this) but we are putting our kids through private education, have private healthcare and get NOTHING from the state and never had. Our taxes pay for less well off people for which by the way I am very happy to do! And for the record I don't think for a moment that being well off justifies having many kids! I'm quite a lefty as it happens (just to put the record straight). Just was picking up on the contributing to society argument. If socio-economics were a reason then I should have loads of kids because I can afford them (and having kids creates employment as I have some help) and in theory because of the kids education they are more likely to contribute to society but obviously I don't calculate it that way. God I sound really obnoxious but hopefully you see what I mean.

DD3 is 10 months and I am 37. I've conceived very easily before so hopefully that would mean good things if I am to wait for a while. All 3 kids are 20m apart so I sort of wanted the next one to be close in age too but it is unlikely that I will be pregnant on DD3's 1st birthday! (as I was for the others). We are doing up a place and moving in a few months so maybe after that settles down (and we have a bit more space), DH may change his mind. Also DD2 is an INSANE 2.5yr old and when she finally settles down that could help too. I just have to keep my mouth shut till then (which I am not very good at doing as I bring up having a 4th all the time!)

Imip: So sorry for your loss. I'm glad you finally got DD4. I can understand the very emotional aspect of our situation.
I suffer from extremely bad morning sickness too for the 1st 4 moths and I dread it but am willing to do it one more time. When I was pg with DD3 that's when DH started saying he didn't want another so maybe me being in such a state did not help!

This thread has been useful to read. I'm 40 we have 3 dcs, aged nearly 6, just turned 4 and just turned 2. Life is hectic and often stressful. I'd LOVE another. DH against it but lately seems less against it for some reason. But for some even stranger reason, I've not been bugging him about it. Perhaps I've finally started to realise it's time to let go and move happily to the next stage of our lives.

I read with interest the post from Lollystix as I feel very strongly that this would happen with DH and I. We argue a LOT (well it's more bickering) around the kids because of all the stress of not being able to make decisions or have a conversation without being interrupted by screeching and fighting.... it can be a nightmare at times and we're often at the end of our tethers.

Still I harbour a little longing but am hoping this will disappear....

Thanks all for your honesty x

seriously op you should not be persuading your DH,if he really dosent want anymore then you have to respect that,you both have to talk about this

otherwise this really could be disastrous to your relationship and family

I could've written your post 2 years ago.

We had a 'surprise' 4th and although we both love him and wouldn't be without him, it is VERY hard. He doesn't sleep (is now 15th months) and still wakes like a newborn! It has put a strain on us emotionally, physically and financially. I have had PND this time and didn't have it with the other 3. My DH has an ongoing health condition which has been exacerbated by the stress and lack of sleep.

I had originally planned to back to work when my 3rd went to school (this sept), but that has now been put on hold for another 3 years, and when I do go back, child are for 4 will cost a large chunk of my salary.

I found going from 2-3 a breeze compared to going to 3-4.

I'm sure it will get easier and I do love the fact that I've got 4, but the last 2 years have been very difficult, almost like a fog!

Think very carefully and go into it with your eyes open. I often find myself saying 'if we had 3 children, we could do this....' a lot!

Good luck in what ever happens!

Hope I don't sound too negative! He is the most gorgeous little boy!!!

I don't understand when people say no one regrets having children.
My dad only wanted one child and is very honest about regretting my brother and sister, however cruel that is.
My mother in law openly says she regrets having her mo3 and it was a mistake.
So people do mean what they say! Lol