Considering having a fourth DC, any advice/warnings/encouragement welcome!!!!

[haagendaz]

We have 3 DC's (18 months, 2 and 6) and are considering number four.

We have both always wanted a large family and would like to have them fairly close together rather than a gap then a fourth but I am worried about how I will cope.. We cope very well at the moment although I do get tired and stressed towards the end of the day. DH is working from home a lot at the moment which is great as he is around but this will change the year after next....

Any opinions at all would be great! Thanks

I'd like DC4 too.

I have 4, but I had three in under three years and then waited 12½ years for the fourth...

I have 9/11 years between dd1/2 and dd3. Dd3 is 18 m & I want one more.

I am pregnant with 4th. I have a thread in AIBU, DD10 is not taking it well. Apart from that its great.

Have one then Harriet! My oldest is 18 and my baby is 3. It's bloody marvellous!

I have 4; they are 18 months, 2.5 years , then 23months apart.
The youngest is 4 now, and the oldest is 10 and we are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel but I think I was depressed for the first 2-3 years.
They are now a lot less physically demanding but instead are emotionally and practically draining.
We have a 4 bedroom house but feel we need another bedroom as the middle two share and fight about it often. We have a MPV so going anywhere in a group isn't a problem, but sometimes we have to split up and one lot takes a cab. Activities cost us over £100 a week and we usually need 2 rooms when on holiday; DH and I never get to share a bed while on holiday!
We have no help from family or friends and do it all ourselves. DH works long hours but when he's home, he is very hands on which helps. I certainly wouldn't have had 4 without a helpful OH.
I often feel I am too needed and can't give my kids all the attention they require, I wasn't hugely keen on kids until I had some of my own.
If you have enough room, money and support to have 4, then go for it. Or maybe you feel that these things don't matter?
The thing I find hardest with 4 is keeping connected to them all. It's very easy to go a couple of days and realise you have not had a real conversation with one or more of your children, and have no idea of how they are feeling atm.
I'm glad we had 4, our youngest is our only DS and it's been great having a brother for our girls, but there are definitely days when I think maybe we should have stopped at three!

My heart says yes... my brain says no.

We have 3 kids.... 7yr's girl, 4 yrs girl and 14mnth boy. 4 bed's.. large house, large car... Husband has good job and works from home 2 days a week.

But, for me... It would be selfish. I would be severely watered down as a mother... and I just don't want that for my babies. Having one more.. would just tip us over the edge.

I want to be pregnant again and to carry a baby and have that wonderful experience of having a newborn again. And, a small part of me just wants to 'even' things up too.. 4 kids!

Regarding the working from home... My husband sometimes finds it harder working from home, and is more stressed at home... Us wanting a 'piece of him' = he's here, but not here! And work wanting a 'piece' of him. Some weeks, he welcomes going back to the office, to switch of from 'us'!

But, it's a personal choice. I can't say that I'm ready to 'shut up shop' yet... I'm still undecided, but I am clear on it being a purely selfish thing that 'I' want to do... just one more. I not only have to think about me, and what I want.... I have to think about the impact of me being pregnant (morning sickness) and then heavily pregnant with a 18 month old/2 year old boy... whilst my older girls are at school. I'm 37 next month... so still have a couple of years to decide.... but, I feel like I'm coming to a decision.

My husband is probably done to be honest, but understands my reasons and my yearning for wanting one more. I also worry about that... that all 3 of our kids were 100% wanted by both of us. I think it would be sad if I had to 'convince' him.

One of the difficulties of planning a larger family when DCs are close in age, is we tend to base it on how we are managing at the time, (it's all we have to go on) - we may be exhausted but we feel fairly in control of our young brood, as external factors have not kicked in yet. We feel we can cope with one more.

The trouble is none of us has a crystal ball and any future issues, (learning difficulties, illnesses, accidents or just the general emotional traumas of growing up) often don't arise until later on, (at school age particularly.) Raising 4+ children then becomes an increasingly difficult job. Each 'extra' child increases your chances of experiencing the full range of 'challenges' along side all the normal work load of life with a large family. This applies to both good and bad experiences. Talk to people with older DCs if you can, it's best to have your eyes open.

The other issue is, we are programmed to some extent to always want one more child. In our fertile years it can feel like such an irresistible urge to keep producing, (especially if you've enjoyed pregnancy.) It can also feel really sad to relinquish the ability to have children, but at some point we all must. Sometimes it's hard for our heads to over-ride our biology.

In the end children are babies for such a short time, you really have to see them as individuals whose needs will be increasingly complex as they age. Keep asking yourself are you being realistic about what that will mean to your life, your partners and your other children? ( you sound like you already are from what you've said). The more realistic you are, the better able to cope with any crap life throws at you.

Good luck in your decision,

I want 4 and think we are now ready to go for it after much deliberation. My youngest is only 11 months (and no AF yet but that's another story...) but dh is 43 and is worried about being an older dad, so we need to get on with things really. We have 4 bed house and ds1 and ds2 share happily at the moment but we could potentially create a 5th bedroom if needed. We would only need to change one car. Dh and I both have good steady jobs with job security (i am very part time) and most importantly he is very hands on. He took all 3 out on Sunday morning to give me a long lie!
He wasn't sure about 4 to start with but has come round and is fully on board now.
They are 5, 2.5, and 11 months, all boys. I'd love a fourth boy but a girl would be amazing too. I'm 33 and would hope to have had my last baby before I'm 35.

Thinkingof4- re older dad dh is 49!

Oh I should add that I don't enjoy being pregnant at all (though ds3 pregnancy was my easiest) and don't particularly enjoy the baby years so that's not really the driving force for us. I'm sure emphatic is right in a lot of what she says, imagine your life in 5-10 years and would you still be as keen to have had a 4th child. For me the answer is yes! ( though admittedly a crystal ball would be great

Harriet - I keep telling him he's not old!! Lots of men and women have children in their 40s nowadays

Thinkingof4, my youngest's Dad was 54 when she was born...and my older three's father died recently at just 49, so age is pah imo.

And, funnily enough, my last pregnancy (at 37/38) was by FAR the best. I was in my early/mid twenties with the older three and those pgs were dreadful, really dreadful.

Empathetic, such wise words. When DS, our 4th, came along we never dreamed he'd have SN's. But as time went on and it became obvious there was something wrong, all sorts of scenarios played through our minds.
As it turns out his needs are fairly minor but getting assessed and diagnosed and then arranging therapy has been stressful, and expensive. ( He has Verbal Dyspraxia)
I can only imagine what it would have been like if he had more severe problems. It's certainly worth considering how you'd cope as a family if a new baby was going to be more demanding of your time than 'normal'.

Your age gaps sound similar to ours - DS1 5, DD 3.5, DS2 22mo and DC4 due next week!

The decision to add to our family has been harder each time, we seriously considered stopping at 3 although 4 was our 'plan', and I have found each successive pg harder work - from being symptomless with DS1 to discussing SPD with MW at 16wks this time :(
I don't want to be pregnant again, I haven't been any fun for our DC for weeks/months and they watch FAR too much cbeebies - but at least they're young enough (I hope) to not remember this 'phase' (yes, its currently feeling like an eternity to me but.....)
But I'm sure you are already enjoying watching your DC interact and make friends with each other, and that is what is keeping me going - so far they seem to be friends, and much as I know bickering is the norm (I have 2 younger DBs) I totally agree with your desire to have them close together

5hours
sorry about your ds and I hope you are getting the help you need now. It's something I do worry about as an illness or sn would change family dynamics a lot I guess. I'm pretty sure my older 2 will be ok and ds3 seems fine but he's only 11 months so hard to know for sure at this stage. My neice has sn and it has put a lot of strain on the family though things are improving now she's in (mainstream) school.
It's kind of another reason I want to get on with things while I'm still early 30s and not wait.

OP are things any clearer for you? It's a decision worth spending a lot of time over I think

Things are slightly clearer, in the sense it seems different (although hard work) for everyone, iyswim. I think I spend a lot of my childhood and teenage years feeling quite lonely due to having a a small family and I somehow feel that I will be doing my DC's a favour by giving them a larger family and support network for life. Could be wrong though!

5hourssleep - are you my virtual twin?

We have four. 18m, 2.6y and 22m gap, 3 girls one boy, boy is the youngest he's almost two. Eldest will be 8 in July.

DP works long hours and we have no family help at all. It's hard hard work. We are in a 3bed house just now but are getting an extension to make it a 5 bed so everyone can have their own room and have a playroom/extra living space which I think will essential as they get older.

You do feel like you are being pulled in 4 directions and what fivehourssleep says is true sometimes it's hard to stay connected to them. It will also be very difficult for me to go back to work.

Saying that three didn't feel right for us, four is more balanced and even and we have never regretted having no4 no matter how tough it gets.

Just read Yorkys post and can relate to that so well too. I have had SPD with all pregnancies but worse each time. Last time it was a choice between cocodamol or a wheelchair :( my DC got far too much cbeebies as well. DP had to go down to 3 day weeks to help me out at the end as I was struggling so much.

Yorky - I know what you mean about the guilt but it gets better, the newborn days are hard when you are breastfeeding a newborn, got one to take to school, one to nursery and a 2 year old to deal with but it gets easier. You just have to be super organised, I'm not a routine peson but DS just feel into a routine and would get fed roundabout the others. The adore their little brother now and I love having four DC.

If you can cope with the bickering, the endless washing, driving a 7 seater, never having any money, the noise, the mess, lack of sleep and lack of time as a couple then four is for you

OMG Sweetkitty, I think we must be twins.
"If you can cope with the bickering, the endless washing, driving a 7 seater, never having any money, the noise, the mess, lack of sleep and lack of time as a couple then four is for you "
I think you've just about hit the nail on the head!

We are lucky in that DH has a well paid job, I do a bit of work for myself but I'd certainly find it difficult to go back into a job where I had to work regular hours.

due 4th in less than 2 weeks and reading thread keenly! was pregnant by accident, also have 6 yr old DD and 2 yr old DS Twins. Yes it will be hard being a mummy forever but i see glimmers of what it will be like on the really good days, now that the boys are older and we're all sitting round the table or the kids play together and make us laugh. I think our 4th will definitely 'even things up' as one of the previous posters said, and will not make a massive difference financially. I think the first year will be hellish with being pulled in all directions and being so stressed with housework and nappies BUT I believe it will be well worth it a little later on. (I have to believe that, it's too late to go back now!!!!!!!) I say go for it, esp as your husband is at home quite a bit. Let us know what you decide!

ps by 'being a mummy forever' I simply meant it'll be highly likely that mummy-hood is now my chosen career path, as I probably won't be able to retrain or return to work now...not what I'd planned but equally lucky to be at home and be a SAHM and see the children grow up etc etc

Oh a plus the four of them all came into bed this morning, it's wonderful seeing these four little people we've created all milling about laughing and playing. They do fight but are also so incredibly close.

Decision made... We're going to try for our 4th! BEYOND excited! x