Talk to me about WHY you had 4 (or more) children?

[Rocketfox]

DC3 is not really a baby anymore and I am broody like you wouldn't believe. I ache to be pregnant, I ache to hold a teeny one and I feel sad that the baby days are over. I would love DC3 to have a sibling (DC1 and DC2 were very close together and are a little team)and I have always known that I would love a big family.

BUT if I am very very very honest with myself I do quite often find the noise and chaos overwhelming and get tired and snappy, I do long for a slightly less grubby and messy house and a wardrobe with some non-machine-washable clothes and financially and house-wise we are comfortable now but would be stretched with another. And I'm "old" (37).

So I need to be brutal with myself about this and examine why we would want to "twist" rather than "stick". I wonder if some of my longing is about proving myself in another way (career is in the deep freeze currently), or because I always said I would have 4, or because it would be nice to have the attention on me again (that you get when pregnant but no other time!). It might mean admitting that I don't want to do this for the "right" reasons.

So, name change if you need to, but WHY did you go on to have 4 (or more) children and , in retrospect, do you regard those as having been "good" reasons?

Possibly. She didn't follow it up with anything more positive.

I never had plans for a big family, and after DCs1 and 2 thought that would be it. Then got divorced, was on my own for a few years, I met DH, I got pregnant accidentally (a happy accident) and had DC3. And DC4 was the planned natural progression - DH wanted more than one child and I just knew I wasn't "done". 15 years between oldest and youngest.

And after DC4 I really did know I was done - he was an easy baby, but I had just hit that saturation point. Have never felt broody again - it's all spent.

I have 4 and although we didn't really plan for that I love having a big family. We had our first DS and then I got pregnant with identical twin DD's... There was only a 15 month gap between eldest child and the twins and those early days were very, very exhausting!! Then when the twins were 3.5 years I 'found' myself pregnant again (happy accident - contraceptive failed) and we were delighted to welcome another DS into the world.

So we've ended up with 2 of each and I feel extremely fortunate. Finances are stretched and my career has had to take a major change of direction but I wouldn't change it for anything. I have to say that 4 is definitely the limit for us and I turn 43 in April so wouldn't want to have any more DC's at this point in my life. Like 'Hassled' I've never felt broody again after number 4 - just knew that that was it for us!

I only have 2 DCs. But my DP has 4. It's been interesting getting to know him and his DCs over the last couple of years, and seeing the differences between families, many of which are the result of the differing sizes.

On the plus sides for less kids - mine get a lot more individual attention. This isn't just something that's good for them, it can also mean an opportunity to enjoy things with them. Eg I've taken DS away for weekends walking which he and I both love. And DD gets to do lots of activities, which I am able to ferry her to (and afford) as there's only 1 other DC. They are learning to behave better than DP's DCs are, and this is largely because I have time to teach them - better manners, less fighting, etc. DP's DCs rarely look to adults to solve their disputes, but this largely means that they solve them by fighting. Mine have both had the opportunity to learn instruments, and I have time to help them practice. Only DP's eldest was every really encouraged in this - the others haven't really had the parental input required. Also, it is very hard to find things to do as a family that all 4 DCs will enjoy. They either get dragged relunctantly, or else these things just don't happen.

On the plus sides for the larger family - DP's DCs have a strong bond and culture and sense of being a group, which my two don't really have. There is more flexibility about who plays with who - eg a year ago the middle two played together a lot, but DC2 is now getting all teenagery and DC3 is playing more with DC4. They don't get to do a lot of individual activities, but instead all do the same thing. For DC2 this means something he's not naturally very good at, but he goes along happily enough because that's what they all do on a Saturday afternoon, which I think is probably quite good for him. And also the obvious really - they're all utterly different people and loved in different ways. And in the long term, I think we're both looking forward to the large family we'll have with all the grandchilren :)

a) we're both very fertile and conceived almost immediately
b) a bit lazy with birth control / happy to go with the flow (we've learnt)
c) hence unplanned twin pregnancy - went from 3 to 5.

I'm one of 5 so know it can be great. But it wasn't what we set out to do. It involves such selflessness and hardwork parenting, loss of almost all leisure time and discretionary income, and a constant feeling that you should be doing about 8 things. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - you're right to be asking the question.

going from 3 to 4 is a very big step (esp with your average UK car) but very much worth it IMO

we did it more than 18 years ago, with an almost 5-year gap between DC3 & DC4 (older ones were all 3 years apart) - I was 41 when DC4 was born so 37 sounds very young to me It wasn't wanting a baby as such, I just felt that our family needed 4 children

the older ones were a huge help with the baby, & got on very well most of the time growing up; & now they are all grown up (DC4 at university) they have really supportive relationships. They do have minor fallings-out occasionally but basically they are a fantastic support for each other.

Mind you the house did feel terribly overcrowded when they were all at home, & still does when they visit but after a while they all bugger off & then it's peaceful again

Because we went from having 2 DD's and trying for 1 more, to having 5 DD's!
We now have a 5YO, a 4YO and 2YO triplets.

Yes its totally crazy, especially in the mornings, but I would never change it - I love having a big family.
There are many stressful times (inc generally having 5 under 3.5years) and sometimes even just taking them to the park ends up being a total nightmare if they're all in a stroppy mood, or not feeling well; but all those times are well outweighed by all the lovely things about having a big family. Even just on sunday mornings when all 5 come into our bed - I just realize how lucky I am to have such beautiful and amazing children.

Hahahahaha TSC You always find my family posts!

Go for #4, you know you want to!

Yikes triplets!! Did you have a family history of multiples? If that happened to us I'd end up with 6 ( and would probably be all boys too!)
I am lurking on this thread as i just can't decide what to do- currently 3 boys age 5, 2 and 10 months

Very interesting to hear different experiences and perspectives

because I thought breastfeeding would be an effective form of contraception...and DC4 was another boy btw. BUT I wouldn't send him back for all the tea in China - he's my munchkin. To me it's just more of the same chaos. I'm blessed but I'm not going near DH again until he gets the snip.

Because I was the eldest of 2 and my mum doted on little brother :( In turn her own mother had a girl then a boy and doted on her boy. We had a lot of trouble with DB in his teens and 20s and I really wished we had another sibling to share the load a bit.

I said from the beginning I'd have just one or 3. Once we'd got one I realised that I would expect too much of her if she was my only, so we had a second, which of course was a boy. I cannot describe the absolute panic at the thought of repeating the family pattern. DC3 was also a boy and we thought that was it.

We started thinking how nice it would be to have another baby, TTC for a while then I absolutely panicked when I got pg at the thought of the huge changes going to 4 would make. Miscarried not long after the BFP and felt relieved. Had one period then I was pg. To this day I'm sure we didn't even do the deed that cycle.

4 children 5.5 years apart was hard work and they fought in various combinations, but as they got older they were a joy to have. Started having the "wouldn't it be nice" conversations and was quite to get a BFP at 42. Started bleeding at 11 weeks and a scan showed nothing there :( 6 months later another BFP, followed by another miscarriage. Dh said no more - can't put you though this again and while we were still considering, another BFP . Like DC4 no idea where this one came from. DC5 was born 1 year and 2 days after the first miscarriage EDD.

I do wonder what life would have been like had we done things differently. A lot of our friends are grandparents, while we are still worrying about holiday clubs and reading schemes. Money is tight after 4 years of nursery fees. I'm much more tired than I was 20+ years ago.

Four, all planned, all girls aged 5.4, 3.9, 2 and 10 weeks.

I always wanted four, I was never sure why. Perhaps though now I suspect I know why. I had a pretty crappy upbringing to pretty grim parents who never faced up to their flaws. I am one of five and perhaps I am trying to prove you can have a happy, big family, if that makes any sense.... Even when I was in my 20's and with different partners, I always hoped for four but three was more realisitc. I was never one who craved being a parent - I certainly enjoyed my 20's and early 30's as a childless women, which I kinda thinks makes me a more contented parent, if that makes sense.

Started vaugely trying to have a family when married to dh at 31. However we had fertility issues and I didn't get pregnant til I turned 34. Very sadly for us, our first daughter was stillborn. She'd be 6.2 now....

This meant four surviving childen had to be produced pretty quickly. Was keen not to be 40+ with them, just to draw a line on my crazy quest for a large family. dd4 was born when i was 40. I was sterilised this time around. I'd love more, but this is what I've always stated and after five pregnancies in six years, I don't think I can do it again.... 'tis hard work this four-kid thing!!

Because I'm greedy and kept wanting 'just one more'[bugrin]

Had my 4th at 38 and they are now 7,4,3,1 and we are done. 4 was never a conscious decision - love them all to bits but after 4 the broody feeling left me for good!

As a mum of 4 I wish someone had maybe gently reminded me that children are only babies for a relatively short time and whilst it is exhausting looking after under 5s it is really just a case of being practical, prioritising, being fairly organised and having a sense of humour.

Also when they're small ( I know this is hard to believe) but your resources are still quite deep, especially if you've had them fairly close together as their needs are still quite similar. However life has a tendency to only get more complicated and those 4 littlies you could just about manage (and retain your sanity) grow up into individuals with much more complex needs, not to mention any unexpected illnesses, emotional issues, learning difficulties etc that life throws at you.

I'm not meaning to sound so negative, I love mine as fiercely as the next parent (maybe that adds to the difficulty, as I want to make sure none of them get a raw deal just because they happen to be 1 of 4), but my DH and I have been pushed to our limits and beyond by events and circumstances that we would have never even have thought to take into account when we were planning our large family.

Just make sure you talk to parents of children of all ages, not just people coping with the under 10s, I think if you go into something clear- eyed you're much better able to cope. Like I said before there are so many challenges at each stage, I wouldn't have believed when I had 4 under 7 and at one point 3 under 3 that life could get any harder than that - now I know it was just the beginning of a long road, (DS 18, DDs 14,14 and 11.)

Excellent advice from Emphaticmaybe.

Thanks Juule, we're always wiser after the event unfortunately.

Oh dear dc4 due soon and I am worried now.... I agree though you have actually stated what I feared.

Oh please don't be worried TessTosterone :(. I've just re-read my earlier post and it does sound quite, bleak but I think to some extent my experiences are atypical.

I talked to four close friends all with 4+ DCs and I know another four large families well enough to observe, and although all of them seem to be in agreement that they didn't anticipate the emotional tribulations of older children, only one other family has had the same level of perceived difficulty as my DH and I.

And here's the point, some people cope brilliantly, lots of people are extremely lucky, (1 friend has not seen the inside of an A&E unit in 15 years of parenting), most people just have a few 'bumps' in the parenting road. Also, and I think this is important, we all react to similar events differently, but the one indisputable fact is that each extra child increases your chances of having the widest range of experiences good and bad.

Enjoy your pregnancy, whatever path lays ahead of you it's still an amazing journey. :)

Hi thanks. It sounds as though you have had things tough for whatever reason. To be honest I am going into this with my eyes wide open. My friends think I am mad when I say the baby bit is the easy bit. I do genuinely believe that and I know there will be tricky times ahead. I just hope there are some happy ones as well.

Hi OP, am in a similar position.... but have my 4dc and crave no 5!! My baby starts school in september and i cannot imagine being home by myself - though my big concern is that we would be tempting fate.... 4 healthy wild country kids - am so worried my luck would run out (I would be 39) but I know that is not rational.....

4 is a lovely no and I love having all of mine - though the house is mad, messy and noisy - I always feel its a rebellion against my only childhood

"Don't have another baby because you want a baby. Do it because you want another child in your family"

That is one of the best bits of advice I have read.

I only have one, and want to have amopther one at least for her, not for me. Because I was an only child and I hated it. Mind you, my situation and mums was not normal, and my DD is, as in she has both parents, we wanted her and we have a normal easy life. But I feel she might be lonely later on... and it really is nagging on me. The problem is that I am scared of giving birth again, it was horrendous, in our local hospital don't like using painkillers, it was agonizing, followed by 6 weeks of severe colics. I really didn't enjoy the baby stage until she was 6 months, I loved her with my heart, but found it difficult.

So thats it, I want another one for her not for me. DP thinks exactly the same as me, he is one of 5 and loved all the company but scared to bits of birth (I know, he is just very sympathetic) and terrified of colics.

Should we do it?

Sorry to hijack the thread but I you are probably the ones that will make me see the positive of havinf more than one child!

Emphaticmaybe I think you put things very well. Your posts do not sound bleak to me but realistic. I particularly agree with this:

"but the one indisputable fact is that each extra child increases your chances of having the widest range of experiences good and bad."

Kione "Do it because you want another child in your family" While I agree with this sentiment, the downside is that if someone has several children close together by the time any problems show with older children the younger ones can't be sent back while the older one's issues are dealt with. Not that you would want to send the younger ones back but it can make the situation more complex.

TessTosterone you do sound like you have your eyes open, I think I was pretty naive in the early days.

juule you are so right, the decisions regarding family size are so often made before the 'difficult' years have kicked in and there's no going back, and you're right who would want to? I guess that's why it's important to listen to as many different experiences as possible before you take the plunge.

Back to the OP's question - why did I have 4? I think I fell in love with the idea of recreating aspects of my childhood, (youngest of 4, mainly happy memories), but of course knew I would do it way better than my parents .
I found my first DC incredibly hard, (had him unplanned in first year of uni), waited until he was 3 then decided to have 1 more before returning to studies, had twins and found them so much easier than DC1 thought I might be actually quite good at this parenting lark, decided to surrender myself completely (or at least until they were school age) to motherhood and had number 4.

That school milestone never really brought the freedom I had been anticipating though, still feel very much surrendered, ha ha.