I will try to keep it as brief as possible, but I mainly just want to get this off my chest as have no-one to talk to about it in real life.
We have 3 healthy kids, we are truly blessed with them and I thank God for them every day. They are very young still, all under 5. The past 5 years has been hectic to say the least. We live abroad and so we have no support at all around us so that has been very tough. We always had a dream of a big family, 4 kids. NOw we have 3 and DH feels he is done.
I feel selfish saying I WANT, but I feel that there is a 4th child for me. Unfortunately DH doesn't agree. I am now 40 and it's now or never. I feel the clock is ticking away and we are not any closer to making a decision and in all honestly my head is totally wrecked.
DH and I are both very healthy, sporty, active and we are fortunate enough to be comfortable financially so would not have to change house or car or anything major.
What is holding me back is fear. I am afraid I would be doing it for the wrong reasons, that I'm just being greedy. I am afraid we wouldn't cope. I am especially afraid that it would put a strain on my relationship with DH if things were really tough, that he is right that we have enough on our plate with our 3 kids now.
We both come from big families (DH 4 kids and me 8 kids) and both our mothers conceived their youngest in their 40s... I am not naive enough to think that this would mean the same would happen to me for sure, and I am aware of the dangers but I feel that we have the best chance of having a healthy baby given our lifestyles.
So there you have it. I think about this a LOT, every single day adn I just feel that i need to decide in the next few months.
DH visibly wilts when I bring it up but I know deep down that if I really wanted he he would probably go along with it. He has found the last 5 years very difficult. He is avery hands on and a brilliant Dad but like all parenst with small kids, it is very stressful at times and he is a lot more sensible than me.
Maybe I should listen to him, the voice of reason? What do you think?
Honestly, my head is totally wrecked from over thinking this.
Thanks for reading if you got this far : )