Please stop me crying. I've just had a bfp for number 4

[Barbielovesken]

We will have 3 under 3. 4 under 7. This was a complete accident - we were using protection.

There is 17 months between ds and dd2. I was pregnant when he was 7 months. Dd2 will be 7 months on Friday and I am 4 weeks pregnant - there will be a 15 month.

The recession (Ireland) has completely screwed us and we're already struggling financially. I work full time - work is going to go insane - 3 maternity leaves in 3 years

Cm is going to go mad as she wasn't too happy about me having another maternity leave so soon after ds. I can't say to he'll with her as shes my aunt.

We've a 4 bed house. 2 are now going to have to share. We need a new car to fit them all. Im terrified, given the gaps that the dc will suffer and not get enough individual time and attention.

We can't afford it and can't afford childcare for 4.

Dh told me the other day that although he adores dc, he's really struggling with the small gap between ds and dd2 and wishes we had waited a bit longer.

I piled on the weight during pregnancy and really need to loose some before considering another.

I don't want this baby. I feel terrible saying that.

Abortion is not an option or a choice at all for us personally.

Oh God.

Big hug to you.

If abortion not an option then you will just have to cope. It will be fine in the long run. In some respects less scary than if 6 years down the line you had an accident, when the baby stage was long gone.

Re:work and childminder - well this situation is an accident, you did not intend such a close age gap, you haven't set out to make life difficult, they'll just have to take it on the chin.

Sharing bedrooms - not a problem. Mine actually prefer sharing - see it as a treat. The car is trickier, but if you need advice about good buys, there's always tonnes of advice on here.

There's nothing you can do to change things. All you can do is make the most of the situation. Lovely new baby, three siblings close in age, how exciting for the children. A lovely big family. And perhaps a vasectomy for dh

How far along do you think you are?

Pooka thank you so much for your lovely reply. You don't understand how much it means right now.

4 weeks today for definite. Dh is definitely going for a vasectomy.

It'll be tough for a year or two - but if you can just hang in there you'll have a beautiful family.

and breathe....it's going to be ok (it has to be). DS4 was an accident and is 12 weeks now. DS1 is 5.5. I have 4 boys 5 and under. Let's be practical:

House - 4 beds is bloody fab in my book - I'm in 2 bed, 2 box flat and we cope. DS1 and 2 now want to share and we are about to buy bunks for them. This means we can kick DS4 into DS3's room and DH can move back into the bedroom.

Car - we don't have a car solution yet but considering a multi-mac which means we could keep the current 5 seater car. They are £1600 but you won't have to change your car. We're in town - we bus alot.

Work - I've had 4 mat leaves now in 5/6 years. They really didn't go mental at all (my boss kissed me in congratulations and told me how envious he was) although I am the office joke but I wasn't going to terminate based on what they thought of me (not that that's an option for you). I figure when I get back I'll start looking elsewhere where they don't know about my kids.

Money - can't help you there - if you find some spare, pass it my way. Tax credits? will they increase with another child? Childcare will kill us financially when I go back so we're trapped in our pokey flat for a further 2 years.

DH and his tiredness - I hear you and I can't lie that it's bloody knackering - DH is in his own personal hell just now as am I to be honest as he leaves the house at 7.30am and comes home at 7pm so it's a long shift -he moans about his exhaustion but he hasn't a fecking clue to be honest. We are muddling marriage wise just now but we'll no doubt survive. We've just prologed the hell for another 2 years really.

Time/attention - I worry to but the close age gap means they always have company and they have alot of fun together. I've only met one person who was in a four kid family that said she didn't enjoy it - all the others rave about what fun it was.

CM - she's just going to have to suck it up really. Could you look elsewhere or is that too political? Any family to help? - ours are starting to offer up some CM help as they now see the mess we are in.

The positives are that your will have a beautiful cake smelling baby and when they are here, you will adore them - I could never send DS4 back now - he's my wee bonus bear. I won't lie that it's not only practically difficult but emotionally difficult too (I really wasn't ready for another baby again) but I try to always remember that I am truly blessed and many folk would give their right arm for a beautiful healthy baby. I don't mean to sound glib but you just have to try and focus on the positives or you'd get so consumed by all the things that aren't ideal.

Aw - no worries. :)

These things happen. Yes will be tough at times but the end result will be worth it I'm sure. I don't know from experience, but I've heard from friends and on here that small gaps can be knackering and real hard work in the early years, but tht this can pay off later on when the children are older and you don't have quite such a juggle trying to balance their needs at separate stages. Might be bollocks, but worth hoping! For what it's worth I've got a couple of friends with significant age differences between their firt and second or second and third and the thing they've found particularly difficult is revisiting the sleepless nights in the early days and then having to cope with juggling the completely different interests and enthusiasms of say an 11 year old and a 3 year old with no sibling buffer in the middle.

You'll still have most of your baby stuff I imagine, so expense in early days more manageable. You might have wanted a larger car anyway for playdates

I'm an only child .and had lots of angst re lack of 'special time' with our 3dc's individually...tbh, when they were smaller they loved tearing round in a gang, and often rebuffed my 'special time' advances 'cos they were having oodles of fun without me. And close ages can make for a real strong bond too.
IME, it's often as they get older e.g. 9+ that they want/seek out indivual time with us as parents, and value not having the others around...by that stage the other DCs are more independant and less needy re toilets/feeding/supervision anyway, so I think you'll find it less of a problem than you anticipate.
Congratulations, anyway!

Thank you all so much. I read your messages before going to sleep and honestly helped so much.

lollystix I Really appreciate your post as you've been (are) in a similar position to me. Ds just had what I think was a bad dream and woke me, have just settled him and had a major panic attack in bed to the point that I've thrown up and couldn't breathe properly and have had to get up.

I kept replaying what work and cm's going to say and what other people are going to think and say and how on earth we'll pay for this.

I'm a terrible person, I keep thinking back to 2 weeks ago, when everything was perfect - I'm only just back to work again and I'm freaking and wish I could go back in time and not be so fucking stupid.

I went in an perked at our youngest and feel nothing but terrible guilt as I'm such a stupid bitch - I've robbed them

You have absolutely not robbed them - you are giving them another sibling to join the fun. Ds3 is 21 months and and LOVES ds4 as do the others - I'm literally fighting them off him.

What I've learnt this year is that everyone has an opinion and you actually can't please any of them - no point in trying. DH was so concerned what folk would think I was sworn to secrecy about the pregnancy until it was impossible to hide it. I've really had to develop a thick skin and realise I have to ignore what work, family, friends think and just put my best foot forward. Termination wasn't an option for me so the only thing I could control was my outlook- negative or positive. Negative wasn't going to help, least of all for ds4 whose fault it wasn't - he didn't ask to be born and I don't want him feeling the brunt of our stupidity.

This info is very fresh to you and a real shock. You need to just take each day at a time. You don't need to say to people until you're ready (you have weeks yet) but you need to realise this is not the end of the world. Much worse things happen at sea IYKWIM.

Ps - sorry still up feeding ds4.

Here's a thought. DH has friend who's dd is 13. She's become sick and lots of tests. She's visiting hospital every day now so much that DW has had to give up job (they needed incomewise) in order to maintain the hospital trips. They have a diagnosis and the prognosis doesn't sound fab. Life can deal some funny hands and looking at our situations I know which shitty stick I would rather be dealt with any day.

OP
I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I just wanted to add my opinion as 1 of 5 children. My childhood was very happy because of my siblings (& parents of course!)
Always someone to play with, I shared a room with my sister and we were closest and we are all still very close. We never had foreign holidays and my mum drove an ancient battered Volvo - but we were most definitely happy and felt loved, whether we had 1-1 time with parents or not.

I am sure the money side of things will be stressful, but you can start saving what you can now, and babies don't need much really, esp if they already have older siblings.
Are you back at work yet? If not can you go back sooner than planned?

It's best to not worry too much about what others think in these situations, just concentrate on your own family

Barbie - I have been where you are now. My dh had the snip when dd3 was less than two weeks old. He was absolutely devastated when 18 months later I was pregnant with dc4.

I know I don't have the close age gaps you have and will have, but the pregnancy/baby was not planned.

He is here now and as someone else said, we would not be without him. My whole life had to change in order to have him, but I could not consider abortion. This was made worse by my dh who wanted me to have one.

You will manange. We have survived. Our son is now 19 months and we are all still here and just about scraping by financially.

Like you I worried about the kids and the lack of time I would now have with each one. The girls love him, there is 25 months between dc2 and dc3 and they are as thick as thieves. They sometimes have their disagreements but on the whole play together and I don't need to entertain them at all.

There are no arguments about what channels to watch, what to do for a day out, where they want to go. They both always want to do the same. Also, miraculously enough, when they have friends over they all seem to play so well together.

Whereas, there is 3 years between dc1 and dc2 and they are clearly at different stages. Dc1 never wants to do the same thing as dc2. When dc1 friends are over she doesn't allow dc2 or dc3 to play. It is all so awkward.

I am not advocating close age gaps just because the logistics of it all are so much easier once the kids are past the baby/toddler stage. But now, that mine are past baby stage, I can see the benefits of the closer age gap.

Family and friends may surprise you and really help you out.

Also I have been pushing a pram/buggy now for over 9 years, with at least still another 18 months to go. I will be pushing prams/buggies constantly for nearly 11 years of my life. You only have to do half of that!!

You will be fine, stop worrying about others. It is your family and life. You are not the only person to have four children and you won't be the last. You have managed and coped with three, you will do the same with four.

I am sorry I don't mean to sound hard. We didn't tell anyone until well after I was clearly showing, I was about 22 weeks. Obviously I was embarrassed that people would think the father was someone else, and dh had told the whole world that he had the snip. Prior to this, every male he knew, he advised them to get the snip, whether they wanted his advice or not. .

Deep breaths, and it will be fine.Oh and we only have a tiny house, 3 beds and I drove a corsa and changed it to a Zafira on dc4 arrival. Obviously, a second hand one.

Oh I meant to say me and my sister were both the result of contraceptive failure, my parents only planned for 3.

We had 4 under 6. We had a 3 bed house all the way through; until they were 11, 10, 8 and 6 we had all 3 boys in the biggest room and DD in the boxroom. Then we moved to a slightly bigger house and turned the integral garage into a (internal) bedroom so that only the younger 2 had to share.

7 seater cars had only just come out at that point and there was no way we could afford one, so we all squashed into an ordinary car.

It was really hard work to start with, but as others have said they were all at the same stage at the same time. So a day out that DC1 would enjoy was also good for DC4. With 4 of them, if 2 have a falling out they have still got someone else to play with.

Mine are all grown up now and at Xmas it was lovely to have a houseful again. They all get on really well.

(We had our surprise baby when our youngest was 15 . She is nearly 5 and constantly asking if she can have a little brother or sister. We are hoping for grandchildren before too long to keep her company )

I've been there, I have 5 children and fell pregnant (despite using contraception) when dd3 was 12 weeks old... I found out at 8 weeks, was devastated, we didn't mention it much for months as we were in denial. The 20 week scan made it real, we got over ourselves and realised every baby is a blessing and of course we can manage!

Everyone had something to say, generally 'do you not have a tv'? I have a tough skin and just smile serenely and say 'I love it it's great fun' or something positive.

Dd4 is now 9 months old and dd3 20 months, it's been hard at times but I blooming love it! So much more than I expected. They adore each other and are permanent companions. My older dcs think they're both fab too.

Please remember how much you love your children... You will love this one just as much! Really I promise! Try to focus on the positives, they are there, you just need to find them xxxx

Ok I have been where you are, whwn I found out I was pregnant with dc4 my dd was 3 months old.

I was in shock and felt scared and honestly gob smacked!
Went for a scan and found out it was twins!!
Abortion was never a option at all for us and to be honest didn't really enter our heads.

Babies are now 4 weeks old and my dd is 1 so 3 under 1 and my elder 2 are 5 and 8

The first week was hard getting used to more babies but we have all slotted into a routine and everything is running smoothly.

They won't be babies for ever and they will grow up together.