Unplanned fourth pregnancy

[futility]

I currently have a thread in chat about struggling to terms with unplanned fourth pregnancy. They suggested I hop over here.

Would I cope?

Would having a fourth be a really negative impact on my older boys (4, 6 and 9). I am so worried about them and whether it would be unfair on them to continue with this pregnancy. My time and our money is stretched as it is.

What are the realities of four?

I would be grateful for your thoughts as I am in a really dark and confused place right now.

Oh dear futility, you do sound very confused. Can I offer you my view as one of five children (as you are worried on the negative impact). I am one of five, oldest (i'm 40) and the youngest is 27. We had a terrible childhood, and in the midst of the doom and gloom, the one thing I did love was having a big family. So much so that I am now expecting dc4. My three are quite close in age, 4, 3 and 18 months, and I do find it difficult. But it is my 4 year old who is much easier going with all of it (poor three-year old is making my life VERY difficult atm), she is delighted with the pregnancy, and I do really think that that yours are of an age that they will be really interested and enthusiastic with the pregnancy and a lot more independant than my bunch. How far gone are you? I'm sure you'll find lots of enthusiam in larger families that may hopefully show you the good, not just the bad, aspects of a larger family. Good luck x

That's encouraging. DH found an article which said children were less happy the more siblings they had. I often hear people say they felt that there was not enough attention. I am ne of 2 and DH is an only (and loved it) so no experience personally.

well i have 5, the fourmadboys, who are 12, 9, 6 and 3 yrs old and 10mth old dd, our 'bonus' baby.

is it hard work... yes, but is my house filled with love and laughter and slightly crazy but good fun? yes.

is money tight, yes? but we get by pretty well actually, have a holiday once a year, get the occasional treat etc, we budget and we put the kids first when it comes to getting clothes etc, so dont treat ourselves as often as would be nice.

but the reality is that i love my brood and i am saying that having spent the last 36hrs dealing with a baby with a cough who makes her throw up and a three year old with liquid poo that required two changes of bedsheets in the night and a pair of pj's to go in the bin!

it can be hectic and it can be hard work, but it is lovely, honestly.

can i ask, do you work? are you worried about that side of things? do you still have some baby stuff or have you got rid of it all? even if you have a baby is onyl asexpensive as you make it, charity shops, ebay, free ads etc you can get all you need VERY cheaply.

i have to say that my boys love their baby sister VERY much and the four boys also love each other, they may fight and bicker like all kids, but they are very much a little 'gang' and they play together and sit and chat and the elder ones read the younger ones bedtime stories etc, they help each other out and i am hoping that they will have a good relationship as adults :)

so what exactly do you want to know? happy to answer any questions :)

Strangley, mums who I never realised were one of four have popped out of the woodwork since announcing this pregnancy, saying how much they also loved being one of four. Attention is an issue to be sure, but I guess it is how you manage it??? That's dictated by your circumstances also, I suppose?? My DH works horrid hours and I am a sahm. If I worked I imagine we'd be even more squeezed having quality time with each one. But you're aware that it can be an issue, so hopefully it doesn't become one, if that makes sense...

I do work part time. I just started a new job so it's terrible timing TBH. And yes I just got rid of everything literally last month. It's so strange that the minute I physically and psychologically moved on this happens.

You will have roughly same age gap as me mad boys so it's good to know they all get on.

Believe it on not I am terrified of having a girl and how she would fit into our family. I know I make gorgeous boys but a girl seems so alien. Was that strange for you? Plus I have plenty of boys toys and I have not idea how pink would fit in!

I appreciate your replies. I suspect I will be on here a lot from now on!

Hi - my 4th was unplanned. We'd just moved into a new house with our 3 little ones - mortgage the size of Africa, we really didn't need any more on our plate - but he's the best thing that ever happened to us - I adore every moment with him. You'll cope.

xx

well we got rid of lots of our stuff after ds4 as we thought we were done, we then changed our minds!

having a girl is fab actually, but any baby would be fab, when we decided to have no 5 we totally assumed it would be a boy, so when they said girl at the 20wk scan we didnt believe them and had a boys name picked out! tbh it doesnt as yet make much difference, other than the fact that i have gone slightly mad with girls clothes, not pink as i dont like pink but lots of dresses with matching knickers int he summer and pinafores with tights now its colder, i love dressing her, its like having a real life doll the boy sdote on her and love her to bits, i dont know how it will change the dynamic as they get older, but they are very protective of her at the moment :)

she doesnt have any 'girls' toys yet, but we alreayd have a toy cooker and doll and pushchair etc and my ds3 loves all things pink and purple and fairies and tinkerbell, so he will have someone to share that with :)

with regards to your job you need to find out where you stand legally but i dont think it should affect that? you dont have to tell them for a while yet nad you should be entitled to maternity pay and leave etc?

really it is fine, i dont think it actually gets much harder once you have three, its extra laundry but i bet yo uhave loads anyway with 3 boys, so you probably wont notice! your youngest one is young enough that you havent forgotten all the baby stuff yet so its not like going back and having to start all over again from that point of view.

your boys are old enough to enjoy you being preg, to be involved in the pregnancy and to enjoy and help out once baby arrives, my 12yr old was at dd's birth! he was 11 at the time and he cut the cord and it is a veyr special memory for him :) they all play with her, carry her around, talk to her, sing to her and really enjoy her most of the time. she has fitted in just fine with our family and its routines etc, i think subsequent babies have to to a certain extent!

keep talking on here and let us know how you are getting on, there is another thread in larger families that is REALLY good and very positive, i will see if i can find it and post you a link xxx

grr i cant find it, but its called something like ' you know you have too many children/kids when...' and i am sure it was in the larger families section!

Congratulations Futility- I'm sitting here feeding my 8 day old unplanned ds4- he is very cute and fluffy and I have to admit despite being knackered I'm loving the newborn bit again. He really does smell like cake.

I worry like you that they won't get enough attention especially as I work but my 3 boys (5,3,18m) are very much a little clan so hoping ds4 just fits in. The majority of people I've met who were in a large family have only had positive things to say. I'm a twin and my bro and I are closeish but dh is one of 2 and really can't be bothered with SIL so odds are my boys will find one in the group they gel with.

Good luckxxx

4madboys here is the link for you know you've had too many children when.... i've nominated it for classics but also suggested it be moved here - would be a shame to lose all that accumulated knowledge!

I have to say that my 4th has been my easiest so far, she's just slipped in so easily. The other kids are all in full time school (although dd2 was in nursery 1/2 day when dd3 arrived) so the impact on my day isn't massive.

My older kids are the same age as yours (ds 9, dd1 6, dd2 4) and also like you I'd got rid of all the baby stuff before I got pregnant, lol. The older ones love having dd3, I think they will be a bit bereft when we don't have a baby in the house, they are already asking me when we are having another, lol. Honestly, it will barely impact your children at all, kids adjust and at thier ages they love to help out with a tiny one. About the only thing we have had to change is our car, we have a 7 seater now. They play with each other more than they play with us and we let our eldest stay up an hour later than his sisters in the evening so he can have some extra time with us. Dp takes the older ones to the cinema etc while I stay home with the baby so they don't feel like they miss out on treats.

I think going from 1 to 2 is the hardest, you worry that you won't be able to spread yourself around enough, 3 to 4 is a bit of a worry timewise again, but having no.4 isn't nearly as hard as you would expect, you know the ropes already and your family have thier routines etc already in place. We have our little routines going morning and eveningwise and dd3 has just settled right into it. The other kids are old enough to entertain themselves for a while if dd3 needs me, they help me with her too, if I am talking at the door etc they will play with her in the livingroom etc.

I'm one of 5 so used to big families and didn't feel less loved than my friends who were only children or one of two, infact I loved having sisters close in age and we were inseperable while growing up (I'm no.3, mum & dad had my brother then 4 girls!). I can honestly say that having four kids has been a blessing and we plan to have another one, maybe two.

what a lovely post rikalaily. I feel more positive having read all of your posts and very much enjoyed reading the thread in classics above!

We had a surprise dc4. my other children were 9yrs,6yrs,22 months when he was born.
Have to say going from3 to 4 was no big upheaval. Can't imagine life without my little prince now. I was over 40 at the time and the pregnancy was great.
Good luck in what ever you decide

I have 6 (first 4 are with my ex, last 2 are with my husband who is step dad to the other's), my 4th was very unplanned and i became a single parent for a few years after he was born.

I found going from 3 to 4 much easier than going from 5 to 6.

My eldest 4 are very much a close unit, they love having each other, although as number 5 get's older she's becoming more a part of their unit now too which is lovely to watch, as i expect our 6th will once he's bigger and able to be more involved.

I know being a part of a large family often get's bad press but my children are extremely happy and were very excited when i told them i was having baby number 5 and then later baby number 6. Also my children do extremely well at school, my 4th child is doing work from the year above him at school because he is doing so well. I don't think being a part of a big family or having lots of siblings need cause a negative impact on their childhood, if anything having each other has enriched my children's lives.
We get the odd bad day but then i imagine so does everyone, the good far out weighs the bad. I couldn't imagine any of my children without the other's, it's hard work for me some day's but worth it for them and me, i wouldn't change a day.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

Hi futility thought I would see how you were doing? I'm in the same predicament, have started a thread in chat. Feeling very confused. Especially about finances and effect on my 3 dc, who are all still very young. Heart says yes but head says no, and I'm really struggling on how to make the best decision for us all

Hi I am futility. Thought I better name change! I am now 11.5 weeks and looking huge. I think I have come to terms with hinge although am tired and finding in harder this time round. I have not told my boys yet. I have my nuchal scan this week and I do actually fel now that I would be upset if there was a problem. I never thought a few weeks ago that I would say that, but I guess I have started to bond with this baby.

There was a very long thread in pregnancy recently started about same time as above. Started by shatteredmumsrusx about an unplanned 3 rd pregnancy. See if you can find that as there were a surprising number of us on there going through the same thing. She decided to end the pregnancy butt it was useful thread to read to weigh up all options and lot of good advice.

Take care and do not rush. How many weeks Are you?

Hi, I was in your shoes recently. Unplanned DS is 2 months old (the 4th). An absolute joy. I have to say I was devastated to find out that I was pregnant. I was so depressed that was seen by a psychiatrist and had medication all through the pregnancy. Towards the end of the pregnancy I was feeling better, then had postnatal depression . Now psychologist and medication. I'm feeling muuuch better, I love the baby, thanks God. My other kids are 7, 6 and 2. They too love the baby, even the toddler. Somehow i'm managing, it's a miracle. Last month I was in tears very often. I'm blessed to have the 4 of them.
I am a mess. If I can keep them fed and clothed, you can too :)
Wish you a safe pregnancy

I'll add that I'm trying to be more organized to get the older kids to do their homework, music practice, etc. Since I'm always busy (but still time for mumsnet :) ), I have put on the fridge a timetable for each, so they know when it's time to do what (before that, homework was not getting done). I even bought a timer, so they know when they have to switch the TV off, I'm too busy to be chasing them as before. I cuddle them everyday, just a quick one here and there. I too feared that they wouldn't get enough attention. We always sit togeter for breakfast and dinner, so that's our opportunity to share.