oh gosh, oh gosh... slight panic - 4 dcs becoming 5!!!

[allias]

I am having a major panic. I know I am irresponsible etc and am of an age where I could have been more careful.

I have had that pregnant feeling for a few weeks and finally plucked up courage and took a test.... when the lines (very dark and glaring) showed up I could have dropped the blooming stick!!

I am stressing as we are overcrowded and tight pursed as it is with 4 kiddies and to be honest the kiddies are a right handful... all boys lol but I love them ad feel so guilty that I am not ecstatic to be pregnant now.

I just feel scared. scared about house and money, scared about carrying the baby - I get very sick with pgs, it normally lasts all the way through, was given anti nausea meds but more worrying I had pre-eclampsia with ds's 2 and 3, ds2 was the worse with many hospital stays ds3 wasn't as bad - I think because I had been through it before - and had the symptoms with ds4.
I am scared that I am already very fat(cant be PC about it I'm huge) and have been fighting this bulge forever, last 3 kids were back to back and carried all the baby fat plus greedy fat afterwards.
I had an injury couple of years ago which kept me sitting on my big arse and even now cant do high impact exercise(sp) so it has been a struggle to loose weight which I have been doing but now I'm pg I just feel like I'm gonna be a whale forever.

I'm scared that I will have pnd again... I can feel an emotional dip. that was part of how I just knew I was pg, I just cant go through that again, I have had times where I just wasnt present and I feel that the kiddies had a rough deal as did Dh. Ds1 has had it the hardest with all the pnd as he was older and was very worried for me

I know it's a looong way off but I'm scared of labour and more so of the aftermath as I bled alot with the others and ds4 was the worse for bleeding, I had the room full of docs and there was talk of going into theatre as they couldn't stop it.

I am very scared of the family growing as it's crazy being a family of 6 as it is!

As i say I am already beating myself up about being iresponsible and not being financially stable and enlarging the family so I dont really need to be reminded of that but I just hoped someone could talk with me as I feel alone and panicking and stressy and the poor kiddies are getting the dragon lady treatment.
I guess I need advice, words of wisdom, encouragement, destraction anything really

Thanks for reading this looooong and hectic post, I have name changed only because I'm not over the beginning period and haven't had a scan etc and rl people know my regular chatname

Don't know what to say except stop beating yourself up!! What is done, is done. I remember feeling panicky and stressed with each pregnancy I had. I was convinced that I would be overwhelmed and have the labour from hell. It was so long ago now. When I found out about dc3 (totally unplanned) I nearly had a heart attack. It all works out in the end though. Have you told your DH yet? Sounds like you need some support.

yeah, I told him when I took the test. He's stressing out too.

Thanks so much for replying. I am trying to calm down but I feel all emotional ( hormones all over the place) I wonder if that is making me panic more.

I feel for you. I had PND and hyperemesis with two pregnancies DH and I were on the verge of divorce because of my PND with Dc2 when I found out about Dc3. Then of course I panicked and got worse. We were ready to kill eachother. DH's mum was dying at the time and we were caring for her and DS1 had just been diagnosed with autism and DD1 was showing signs of it. What a shitty year. All I could imagine for my future was being a single mother with permanent PND and 3 autistic kids.

But that was 6 years ago. At the time it seemed like the world was going to end because we had more kids than what we though we could handle etc etc and we hated eachother and our lives. Now everything is really settled. After Dc3 was born I didn't get PND, he was an easy baby and is not autistic. My older two children got easier to deal with. But at the time all I predicted was total doom and gloom. I think pregnancy does that to a person,especially if you are complete exhausted caring for other DC.

whoooah sounds like you had a rough time there, so glad that things got better for you and dh. I know you are right that given time things do mostly level out and get better.
I feel so guilty that the baby may feel like it's not wanted. I know deep down that I will love him/her and we just have to get on with it it's just the first reaction has knocked me.

PND is awful isn't it!!? I only started feeling right last year November times and now I cant go back there I just cant.

Ok, so you were careless? Big deal. You're not the first and won't be the last.

You had PND before? It may or may not come back. But at least this time you can be prepared for it and face it head on.

Finances? We've currently got 3, #4 due July. Finances will not really be any more or less stretched with this next one. We're not big spenders anyway.

House? How many bedrooms currently? With 4 oldest being all boys, at least they can share in pairs if they need to.

What is your real worry? If it's your health then you'll get lots of monitoring I presume. Which won't stop a problem occurring but will help isolate it earlier.

If you really are devastated by this news, are you prepared to terminate? If not, then you really need to stop running around like a headless chicken and deal with this head on.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself time to assess how you feel and why. It's early days right? So why not just ignore it for a week and see how you feel then?

Seriously, take a deep breath and just take some time to let it sink in!

hiya, thanks for your reply, real no nonsense advice and just what I need to help get my head straight.

you are right re: PND I know what to look out for and will hit it head on if it rears it's ugly head.

finances is a real worry, as it stands I will not be entitled to SMP so have to have a real hard think about that. Money is ore than tight at the minute but I will have to take a real look at budgeting and DO it.

we are currently in a 2 bed house so are already waaaay over crowded, the 3 oldest sleep in one room and last sleeps in our room. We have been round in circles trying to get somewhere but I have to put a rocket up my behind and make it a priority to find and move this year.

health is a scary one the PE really was terrible and I am just stressing about it, I will prob have the extra monitoring and being a fatty is worrying me too.

Termination is not an option at all and the news is devestating at the moment but more the implications of it all rather than the baby him/herself. So you are right, I have to deal with it head on, starting with going to the doctors.

It is early days as I had a P in feb but am sure I missed march... I am irregular but I was sure I missed one which added to my list of symptoms which forced me to buy a test and find out for once and for all. Am thinking it's at least a month.

Thanks again for the great reply xoxo

Glad it was taken as it was meant. I reread after posting and thought 'maybe that was a bit harsh!'

Do you work at all? Why not look into Maternity Allowance? I do odds and sods - cleaning, piano teaching, a bit of this and that for DH's new company. If I add it all up it turns into something we can't afford to live without right now but I can claim Maternity Allowance because I've been registered as self employed for a while. You can register as self employed and still get it until about 14wks pg. Look into it, seriously. It's only what the basic rate of SMP is (ie about £125 a week) but that's worth more than a slap, no? You can get it too if you do part time stuff with a few different employers.

Moving sounds like it needs addressing anyway!

Get out there and walk, woman! Eat well. I rarely put on more than a stone in pg and usually end up less than I started. It's the early months with a newborn when I put it on! I find that the heartburn does wonders to decrease your appetitie

Get thyself to the docs and ask for an early dating scan. Get all your info sorted and then worry about the bad bits.

Take care!

I felt exactly the same as you a couple of months ago. I have 4 DCs aged from 10-4 and life was just getting easier when I found out i was pregnant again. I am utterly exhausted when pg and knew i wouldnt be able to look after my other lovely DCs properly,we struggle financially, i'd just got back into work, i was in a fairly new relationship, i didnt want another child, so terminated. I made the right decision for my family and yes i feel a bit teary when i see a gorgeous new baby, but I'm happy enjoying the children i've got instead of walking round with a sicky bowl snapping at them and not being able to look after them how i like to.

thanks buttonmoon, I do part time hours but am at reduced hours at the moment because of my injury but even at my "normal" salary I wouldn't earn more than the lower earning limit. I'll look into MA

I am thinking of joining slimming world as you can do that while PG only prob is when I tried it in the past I got Ill, I have been loosely following Weight Watchers so may continue with that, in any case veg and salad are my new best friends and I am gonna seriously cut down if not out tottally my sweet stuff. I have a mad craving for popcorn and come to think of it it was for a few weeks.... why is it that once you know you're PG you can start seeing little pointers that had slipped by unnoticed before?
Oh and walking definitely is great for me and will do more of it.

Didn't know that i could request a dating scan early will talk to doc.

Thanks for replying taokiddy. life was certainly starting to get easier kiddie wise, no nappies more independence etc