urrgghhh boys!!!

[bellylicious]

right i'm at the end of my tether with my 3 boys, today they have done nothing but fight!

evey now and again we will have a day like this where they just fight, they kick, they punch, they bite, they shout ect ect you get the picture

i want to know if this is normal male sibling behaviour ???

im sure my brothers were never this bad unless we ignored it??

if this isnt normal then what can i do about it?

ive tried talking to them and explaining that lashing out in anger is not good and it can hurt people ect ect but this hasnt sunk in
my boys are 9, 6 and 4 i aslo have a girl of 16mo
the 6yo has newly diagnosed adhd and as yet weve been given no help with behaviour managment

hubby and his parents and mine for that matter say leave them to it let them scrap it out but i hate it and always end up breaking them up

bit [embarrasses] tbh as im usually quite good at all this stuff but the fighting has gotten out of hand and i need some advice

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/1169042-mums-of-sprightly-kids-support

we are all having a moan

i used to thikn it was just a boy thing and i would let them carry on, but recently i've been thinking that actually, i don't think fighting is acceptable

i'm always telling them it's not ok to hurt other people intentionally and it's not ok for other people to hurt them

so now i step in, every single time and i break it up. ,i remind them that hurting people is NOT ok, and i will split them up into separate rooms if necessary.

it's been a lot less fraught since i started doing it

My ds and dd fight at every opportunity but my other boys don't so I am not sure its gender specific!!

I ignore it if I think they are trying to get attention through it but there are points when I think one of them is going to get really hurt so I step in then.

Don't wait for someone to tell you how to support your son recently diagnosed. I would suggest reading and researching as much as possible yourself.

I have two boys and a daughter and my 7 year old son was diagnosed ADHD around his 6th birthday. Along with other issues he has his behaviour can be very difficult to manage and I frequently feel like I'm treading on egg shells! Having said that though whilst the three of them can be belligerent and do shout and argue it rarely descends into fighting.

Medication helps! As has me learning to step back a bit and allowing them the space to work out their own boundaries.

At every raised voice I had a tendency to step in and manage the behaviour - that way they never managed to work things out between themselves. Now, unless it does become physical, I try to leave them to it to work things out for themselves. Mostly it works and they're friends again petty soon. When I was stepping in I became the baddy!

I make them run laps of the garden when mine get like this. I turn into a sergeant major refer to them all as agent {initial} and give them orders.

lol i like the idea of that bronze!

not sure the boys would though he hehe

i have read and researched into adhd, but as my son is still having assensments done some of the behaviors dont ring quite true, aspergers is something else they are looking into and we have implimented a very logical approach to any questions he has and when dealing with the multitude of quirky behaviours he has

however we are very lucky to have the beach only a mile away, which is fab for burning some energy, problem with that is that they get over tired and argue in the car on the way home lol i dont think i can win this one

My oldest 2 are 12 & 9 and they still constantly fight all the time.

I think we will just have to deal with it until they leave home..

I think they need to learn to stop using physical violence - so I'm with you bellylicious, I'd break it up.

If mine hurt each other they have to sit on the step then apologise but they're younger so that might not help. Could you send them to their room?

I think I'd do a zero tolerance and come down on them like a ton of bricks - withdrawing priviledges/sending them to their room until it sinks in, whilst rewarding them when they are getting on and being kind and helpful to each other.

When my middle two were constantly arguing a while back I made a team-chart and each time one of them was kind, helpful, shared, or was patient to their sibling they got a star. They knew that when the chart was full they would get a treat together. You could bribe them with a trip to a museum, or go swimming/cinema.

Also as for leaving them to it as you DH suggests, it's hardly evenly matched if you eldest is 9 and your youngest is 4! You'd never get that level of different weights in a boxing match!

I try to use the strength card with my DS (5.5) who occasionally pushes his sister (3.5) out of sheer frustration. I try explaining that he is so much bigger and stronger etc etc it does seem to work sort of some times .

I haven't read the whole thread, but have noticed you posted on Saturday. Does it tend to be worse on a weekend? I'd get them tired out early on a Saturday morning - maybe no TV/PC/OCmputer games or whatever until after lunch instead walk in the woods, footy in the park, trip to the shops if necessary.

HTH

Forgot to mention sports - my DD (14) plays for a girls' team which costs peanuts but it great for the whole family as we all go along. My son's age only do training and not actual matches until next year, but he can't wait.

I'd also try and get them time away from each other, too. Can one to a grandparent's once a week for tea, or lunch you could do it on a rolling thing so they get that time out from other siblings once every three weeks?

mine are 10 and 8 - they don't often fight to deliberately hurt each other. Although despite that they do often end up hurting each other by just being too rough and thoughtless.

I usually separate them when I can't deal with it any more - one in each room until they cool down. And at some stage they get a lecture about hurting each other - and remind them when I play rough with them I don't hurt them despite the fact I am much bigger and stronger than them. I remind them as they get stronger they have to be more aware and careful not to hurt.

I am not convinced it makes any difference though.

i would so love to give one to a grandparent every now and again but sadly they live over 100miles away but on a lighter note we are in the process of trying to re-locate closer to them so they can see the children more, so that may be something that will happen anyway once we move

i have tried to occupy them seperatly so one is drawing one goes out with dad to work on the banger in the garden(urrgghh i hate it) and another watching tv playing a game ect ect

they just have these days where nothing is good enough and that im the worst mum in the world and they all hate each other

thing is they are allfairly evenly matched im afraid the 9yo is on the small slim side the 6yo is slim but tall and the 4yo is very tall and super stocky so i find he manages to do more damage than everyone else and lets his emotions run away with him rather than understand there is a line that shouldnt be crossed

im sure if i crack down and stop letting dh let them get on with it then they will have a light bulb moment ..... eventually

LOL Bellylicious.
You stand corrected by me - the crown for worst mum is all mine. Yesterday my 3.5 year old daughter said to me with the hugest frown on her face and through gritted teeth "You are the worsest mummy I have ever had!".

Sorry that the weight thing is a no-goer. I can't quite work out if that's a good thing or not that they are so evenly matched!

I don't know what the answer is.

YOur post has made me realise I don't handle it at all well.

I've had a change of heart and I now think I intervene too much and should let them get on with it more if they are not really hurting each other.

My trouble is I can't stand them shouting at each other and my daughter whingeing/screaming is like someone scratching their nails down a chalk board.

TBH that's probably why I do the step thing - for my sanity rather than for any moral/health and safety stand point (I've only just realised that!).

Today it all kicked off while I was getting ready upstairs - DD doing her whingey/scream at full pelt. I felt myself tense up but thought I'd leave it and see what would happen and it had all died down within minutes. If I'd have stormed downstairs and butted in they've have both spent ten minutes trying to get me on their side and to tell the other one off!

Bellylisious - disregard my earlier post. I'm going to re-read it and do the opposite from now on!
Sorry for my non-help!

Read "Sibling Rivalry" by Elaine Mazlish and somebody else who also wrote "How to listen so kids talk and how to talk to kids listen."
They say you should let them express anger and tell people how they feel but hurting people not allowed. I tend to tell my 2 Dss aged 9 and 7 to stop shouting at each other, but maybe i should allow the shouting and it might alleviate the fighting!
I think boys will always fight and trying to keep yourself calm is the hardest part! Another good thing is to ask "Is this a play fight or a real fight?" and get an answer from both of them, sometimes it is rough and tumble and they are both enjoying it!

LOL misfitless you can have the crown

youve all been a great help, ok its not stopped them scrapping but its made me realise im not at all a god awful mother and that its not just my kids that fight

annieapple-i like that Q i will from now on ask if it is a play fight or not

i too find the shouting and moaning like fingernails down a chalk board grrr that'll be the 4yo lol