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My mum passed away
12

Zoffany · 03/02/2011 13:49

I am 14 weeks pregnant with number 4 and just lost my mum last Sunday - she has been very ill for a while and we knew that there was always a possibility that we might lose (she was on the waiting list for a heart transplant) but nothing can prepare you for when it actually happens, she was only 50 years old and an absolutely amazing, selfless, extremely kind and generous person. I'm not really sure why I'm posting on here really, perhaps it's therapeutic, I don't know. In any case, I think it has some relevance in this section.....

A few weeks ago, there I was wondering if my dh and I had made the right decision to go for number 4, all the usual things going through my mind - how will I cope with 4 under 7? How will I cope with having to drive a bigger car? Worrying that people will think that I am total nutter for having any more, wanting to hide the pregnancy for as long as possible etc etc etc but after going through the pain of the last few days and being one of 5 myself, it has confirmed to me that we have totally made the right decision. I am not sure how I would be coping at the moment if it wasn't for my siblings and I am so thankful to my mum for them - it has brought us all closer together and we have been able to both cry (a lot) and smile about all our shared experiences. We have been able to share the burden of inevitable formalities that go hand in hand with somebody dying and also have peace of mind that there enough of us to support my father who is pieces right now. We have different qualities to offer to each other and just to the situation in general. I take great comfort in knowing that when the time comes for me and my dh one day, my children will have each other.

My children have totally amazed me too with how they are dealing with all this, I am so very proud of them. My eldest is 6 and a half and has been so thoughtful and just wonderful, my 4 and a half year old has shown emotional intelligence that I would never have thought a child so young could display and my 20 month old, well, she's just little but it's wonderful for all us to know that at the moment she still remembers my mum. We know this because the first thing she did when she went to my mum's house after the funeral, was say 'nanny' and then she went looking for her. Although this pulled on our heart strings, it was also just lovely that she has a memory of her for now. The great thing about having my children is that I can see qualities that my mum had in all of them and I now very much look forward to the time when I can look at our latest addition and think, 'that's just like my mum'. My mother absolutely doted on her grandchildren and was very happy and excited about our number 4 and although I am so very sad that she will not get to meet this latest grandchild, I, too, am now able share her excitement about this new baby without my previous worries. I take great comfort in the knowledge that there will be another little bit of her living on in this new life that will be joining us next summer.

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2cats2many · 03/02/2011 13:52

So sorry to hear this.

I agree with you that siblings are the best presents you can give a child.

Your family sounds lovely.

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hollyfort · 03/02/2011 19:14

My heart goes out to you at this time, it must be so difficult. It's great that you have comfort in your lovely family,(both your own kids and your siblings) . Rejoice in your pregnancy and look forward to your no.4, as you said your mother was very much looking fwd to a new grandchild and I'm sure you'll agree that what she thinks is so, so much more important than what a group of idiotic people have to say to others who they sometimes hardly know!! "another one"!! Will you go again for a boy/girl etc.
Mind yourself

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Zoffany · 04/02/2011 14:13

Thank you both for your kind messages.

Hollyfort - yes, absolutely, it matters much more to me what my mum thought and that's why I have finally got over my own insecurities about telling people about number 4.

Thanks again.

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letsgetloud · 04/02/2011 22:55

Your Mum sounds as if she was a wonderful person. I am sorry for your loss and hope you get all the comfort you need from your family.

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Mama5isalive · 05/02/2011 16:43

firstly i want to say congraulation to u and yours and then i would like to offer my condolences of the loss of your dear mother who was taken from you so young! My God what can prepare you for your mum passing for, trust me when it happened to me 2 years now i felt like i was going to die!!!!!! i have got 3 siblings but me being the youngest and speaking to her EVERyday was hard! but trust me i know she watching my and so proud of all i have done in my life, my wedding day, my kids x4 at that time but 5 now! I found out i was pregnant shortly after the funeral and i was mixed with emotions but so happy for was waiting from 06 to have another child,glad that me and DH decided to adopt 2 lovely boys and just as this all happened mum passed away!
the hardest time for me is not having my mum at the birth of my 1st boy! but i had a tshirt made that had a lovely picture of her smiling which i wore whilst in labour so in a way she was there!( may sound tacky)
The wonderful legacy of your mum will live on in you and sharing fond memories to your wonderful children will never fade!
all the best to you and yours and dont forget this is still so fresh and new and allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need,i still cry now.Smile

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slipperandpjsmum · 05/02/2011 16:57

I am so sorry for your loss. I am an only child and when my Dad died I arranged his funeral on my own. Being his only child seemed to make it more painful for me. I have watched friends over the years gain great comfort from their siblings at terrible times like this.

Take comfort in knowing the wonderful gift you have given to your children, the life long support you have bestowed upon them is priceless just as your Mum did for you x x

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Haribojoe · 05/02/2011 19:49

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When my Mum died 18 months ago I took great comfort in the support of my brother, especially as my Mum always said she knew we'd never be on our own as we had each other.

Having DS3 last year was bittersweet without my Mum around but I know I wouldn't be half as good as a Mum if I hadn't had such a great role model.

Keep treasuring your family and all the wonderful memories you have of your Mum.

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Janus · 06/02/2011 10:47

I'm so sorry that you have lost your beloved mum.
I have to say, and I hope this doesn't sound rude, but your post has really hit a chord with me. We are expecting number 4, very much wanted but I do worry about our ages, I am 40, dh 48. It has been in the back of my mind, how much we will be able to see of number 4's life (of course I plan to live until 100!!) but I do see that maybe it will be ok anyway if this newest has his/her wonderful siblings to help when the time comes. Thank you x

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Zoffany · 07/02/2011 12:43

Thank you everyone for your kind messages.

Mama5is alive, Haribojoe, slipperandpjsmum - I am so sorry for your losses too. It's such a painful thing to have to go through. Thank you so much for your comforting messages.

Mama5isalive and Haribojoe - It's lovely to hear that your mum's are still very much a part of you and your lives.

slipperandpjs mum - I am so sorry that you had to arrange your dad's funeral on your own, that must have been so difficult. I hope that you have been able to find support from your dh/partner and good friends.

I've just spent the weekend at my dad's with my siblings visiting the grave and sorting through some of my mum's belongings and a week on, I think I'm now finding it really hard to accept that she really has gone. I find myself having mad moments when i think that we shouldn't have just taken the doctors word for it, that I should have checked her pulse myself. When I went to visit the grave, I found myself wondering if we really had buried her. I do know though that those thoughts are completely irrational, I just miss her so much. When I speak to my siblings, its good to know that they too have similar moments so I guess it's just a normal part of the grieving process?

Mama5isalive - I know how hard it is for the youngest. The youngest in my family is my 22 year old brother who is just in the middle of studying medicine and is still living at home. He and my mum were the best of friends and he truly was an amazing son to her - he was the one who made sure he went to every single appointment (that also meant that he was the one that really knew how ill she was) with her, he phoned her when he was at uni every single day just to check that she was ok, he always tried to make sure that she was comfortable, he never ever once upset her in his entire life and was constantly there for her because he truly wanted to be and not out of any obligation. I know that we all miss her but I also know that the pain just must be far more immense for him as he was the one that was with her all the time. The rest of us really notice her not being there when we visit but he of course notices that every day as he still lives at home. I know that my mum felt incredibly guilty at times as she did not ever want to be a burden and wanted him to have his own life. He however, loved taking care of her and one of the first things he said after she died is that he misses looking after her -he is also completely selfless and very caring just like my mother was, I know that he will make the most wonderful doctor one day. It broke my heart to hear him say with tears in his eyes the he is so very sad that my mum will not be around to see him get married one day. I just remind him of how incredibly proud my mum was of him - she was always beaming with pride when she spoke about all that he had achieved. Not only was she proud of his amazing academic achievements but most importantly, she was so proud of what a lovely, young, thoughtful, kind man he had turned out to be. We siblings are too very proud of him and he won't ever stop being our baby brother - he has three big sisters and a big brother to look out for him and I hope that gave my mum a bit of peace knowing that. I know, it certainly gives me peace knowing that my mum had unconditional love and total devotion from him as I feel so incredibly guilty for not phoning more/visiting more/ doing more etc etc and as I feel so selfish for being in denial about how ill she was.

Janus - you're not being rude at all! You know what - you just don't know what life holds, any of us could go at any time, whatever age, we just don't really ever know what's around the corner. My Dh's great aunt is 96, sprightly and still going very strong, yet a colleague of his lost her husband very suddenly at the age of 30. None of us know how much time we've got but as others have also said, the greatest gift you can give your children is their siblings. It doesn't necessarily mean that your kids are going to be the best of friends - the brother below me and I used to fight like cat and dog when we were little and haven't always had the best relationship - BUT you just can't break that family bond that you have. This tragedy had definitely brought my brother and I closer together. He will be having his first child around the same time as my fourth and that's something that bonds us and we speak about - we are so very sad that our mum won't be there to meet her new grandchildren and that these little ones won't have her in their lives. However, we are going to compile a photobook together to keep her memory alive for all of her grandchildren. Good luck with the birth of your fourth, when are you due?

Thanks again to you all for all your lovely messages, I really appreciate it.

xx

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Mama5isalive · 07/02/2011 16:40

Zoffany - i still upto today have my mus numbers in my phone and my sister called me from the home phone and her photo flashed up that brought me to tears for for a split second i still believed it was her calling me! my sister feels it the most for she still lives in the family home and every week without fail shes at the grave potting plants and weeding etc - she felt guilty when the weather was bad that she didnt make it to the grave, i have only been once for it offers me no comfort! and that was on mothers day as i told her she was having a grandson!all have different ways of dealing with her passing.i talk to her like shes still here! i dont belief in ghosts/or communicating with them, but believe her spirit lives on!
@Janus - the greatest gift is children so just do the best for them as that all you can do! and the rest will work out for the good!
I have never thought of having a large family but im glad its happened so when we go they will have each other! we never get on as youngers but are so close now we are grown my brother is coming on our famiy hol in march its going to be great!
Im glad your still addressing your feelings and supporting your little bro!Smile

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OrganisedMayhem · 09/02/2011 13:07

I am so sorry you have lost your mum but your thread has really touched me.

I am an only child and lost my Dad at 21 and my Mum ten years later when my DD was 1.

Losing my parents so young and being alone has mad me realise how important siblings are. It is so true that the greatest gift we can gift our children are siblings. From the moment I lost my Mum I knew I wanted 3 children as I never ever wanted my daughter to feel as alone as I felt.

DD1 is now 4, DD2 is 18 months and I am expecting No3 in the summer. I feel so reassured that they will have each other and will grow up with sibling memories. My family is everything and thinking of their future takes away the pain of losing my parents so young. I am thankful I have a loving DH and two amazing girls.

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Zoffany · 10/02/2011 13:49

Mama5alive - I can't bring myself to delete my mum's number from my phone either and I keep expecting her to call, I wasn't always so good at calling her (which I feel terrible about) but she would definitely have called me by now and so it feels very strange that she hasn't. I'm almost willing her to call. I don't live in the same city as the grave but all my siblings do and so have been visiting most days so far - my youngest brother and dad take comfort from visiting the grave so I'm glad that it's not very far from their house but I know what you mean about how you feel about it. I don't mind visiting the grave but I don't think it offers me comfort either at the moment, it upsets me to think that we've just left her there as I find it hard to not think of her as her rather than someone who's died - if that makes sense?
I'm glad that you also have the support you need from your siblings. It really helps, doesn't it? Hope you have a lovely holiday in March, sounds like fun!

Organised Mayhem - I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost both of your parents so young and that you had to deal with it on your own. That must have been an extremely difficult and lonely time. I am so glad though that you now have your own wonderful, growing -congratulations on your number 3! - family and that your dh and children have given you comfort. I think it's wonderful that you have achieved what you set out to do after the death of your parents by ensuring that your own children will not have to go through what you did by giving them each other - that must really give you peace of mind. Good luck with the birth of your number 3 and enjoy being 5, it's good fun!

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