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Larger families

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Original poster

Very upset by young persons comment - need a hug!

46 replies

slipperandpjsmum · 03/01/2011 09:39

When I was growing up I was a lonley child. Never allowed to have people for tea/sleep over and our home was like a show house. I remember thinking if I have a family I don't want this life for my children. My husband and I both wanted a big family and were lucky enough to have 4 children. We have an open door policy, sleepovers every weekend and there is always extra food for friends for tea any night. We have a second hand sofa so its not the end of the world if one of the little ones spills something and we don't have expensive furniture and decore as we agreed there was time for that when the children were older. Just now we want the children to feel very comfortable in their own home. We still have rules about respect, tidying toys aways, bedrooms tidy as possible. So thats our life.

A couple of days ago our eldest son had a friend round who brought a friend of his, they stayed for the afternoon. When they were leaving one of my other ds were coming home and our guest who were leaving did not see him. He came in and told me my ds friend said isn't their house messy, oh yes ds friend said its always like that.

Maybe I am over reacting but I feel really upset. I try really hard to stay on top of the house but working full time and all the visitors I suppose does take its toll on the condition of the house. I actually felt like crying, infact tears came into my eyes. My children's friends spend so much time in our home. We don't have a limit on friends round although the numbers normally work out as reasonable but have I got this all wrong??

I prob am over reacting but would really like a virtual hug from Mum's of larger families

OP posts:

boogeek · 03/01/2011 09:44

I've only got three children but when one of DD1's friends came here for tea for the first tine she exclaimed what a mess! What can I say- she wasn't wrong yet she was too young for me to explain that I don't see a tidy house as a sign of a moral superiority :)

loopylo · 03/01/2011 09:46

I don't have a large family (only one DD 3 months) so far but your family sounds great. I would try and ignore them your kids sound like they have a really happy life full of family and friends thats so much more important than having a home that looks like its out of homes and gardens in my book. We spend lots of time out doors, on bikes etc our house always has mud ++ walked through it-I would rather have that and my DD grow up to love the outdoors than be super house proud.

flimflammery · 03/01/2011 09:49

The fact that you always have other children round is proof that they find your house welcoming, friendly and fun - who cares if it's tidy or not? Well done for creating the kind of family life you wanted.

Pancakeflipper · 03/01/2011 09:49

You have said you'd don't have a show home. Perhaps these 2 kids have show homes? So the comparision is going to have your hone being a 'lived in' house.

You are busy so if it bothers you get your kids to help out or have a time when no mates are allowed over cos' you all tidy up.

I think you need to decide if it is messy. If so do you want to do something about it. If not then you'll have to ignore thoughtless comments. If so - you have a already made team to assist.

FortiesCromarty · 03/01/2011 09:50

Big hugs. People who live in clean freak houses always think that a welcoming house is messy. Carry on keeping an open house as you do, your kids will love you for it, and they'll be grateful that you give them a chance to be themselves in their own home without worrying about every speck of dust. I came from a dreadfully filthy house, but my friends were always welcome and no-one ever minded that my parents never ever cleaned .

I was reading a child from a super tidy house a story the other day, and the only thing she noticed about the picture in the book was the mess in the room , not the lovely baby and singing man, she totally missed the point of the picture.

Good for you, your house sounds like great fun x

pinkhebe · 03/01/2011 09:51

messy is fine, he obviously enjoys spending time at your house and the children are comfortable having their friends over which is the atmosphere you are trying to create isn't it?

ps I love houses and families like yours

TheGoddessBlossom · 03/01/2011 09:54

Remember that this was a child - when they said it was messy it was proabably just an observation that is was different from their own house, not worse or something he didn't like.....in fact he probably felt very comfortable!

squashedfrogs · 03/01/2011 10:16

I'm one of three children so not really a large family but as a child, our house was "lived in" as my mum doesn't believe that a sterile house that you could operate in is the be all and end all. She would rather be gardening or doing something that she enjoys, and as long as the house is a bit messy rather than dirty it's not the end of the world.

That didn't stop some of my friends who did live in sterile houses making comments like you heard as it was just so different from what they knew as normal, but I know which of the two options I would feel more comfortable with.

LouCracker · 03/01/2011 11:05

I always know when my MIL has been round to my freakishly tidy SILs house before she calls here. She will always comment on how my house is a home and she admires how I just go with the flow (I'm not sure its meant as a compliment!)

On Christmas Day she asked me if I had grown up in a tidy house? When I said my Mum was beyond obsessive with housework she asked if thats what had made me the complete opposite! It probably is.

My house is a home - I love having my DCs painting stuck up in the hallway, having my DC's homemade decorations on the Xmas Tree rather than the churned out shop ones that everyone has. My house is clean and welcoming and like your home OP I love to have the DCs friends over often.

My MIL also always comments how DN (SILs son) never has friends over, never gets invited anywhere and the only sleepover he has it at their house.

So my motto is messy floor, dirty dishes, happy kids!

WinkyWinkola · 03/01/2011 11:14

Op, your home sounds amazing. What a lovely, open, warm, welcoming place it sounds. Your dcs will remember it like that and be sociable people themselves.

I remember flinching when one of ds1's friends commented on the state of our car's interior.

But if the worst anyone can say about you is that your home is messy with four children (minimum!) in it, then you're doing very very well!

FrameyMcFrame · 03/01/2011 11:23

A friend of DD's once said something similar about our house. I put her right by telling her that there are more important things than a spotless house.
I know it's hurtful but just brush it off, you are right in your ethos. The kid who said it probably lives in a 'show home'.

GaribaldiGirl · 03/01/2011 20:12

actually i also wonder whether the child meant it as an insult. it doesn't mean he doesn't like visiting your house or thinks it's not a lovely home - he was just stating a fact. and OF COURSE your house is messy - how could it not be with 4 children (unless you have live-in staff!)

i definitely don't think you should be offended.

my house has been a complete pigsty over christmas. it's untidy and filthy. 5 children off school and my husband's aged parents staying for 8 days. every day i have stacked and unstacked the dishwasher 3 times, cooked 3 meals for 9 people and done at least 2 loads of washing. i am one of the few people who always loses weight over christmas because despite eating loads i NEVER GET TO SIT DOWN. if anyone says my house is messy to my face then i'll make them bloody well tidy it up! after i've landed a damn great fist on their noses that is.

i think your home sounds lovely.

GaribaldiGirl · 03/01/2011 20:14

i definitely don't think you should be offended.

i think your home sounds lovely.

cumbria81 · 04/01/2011 15:57

When I was little my best friend's family was just like yours.

They always had a house full of kids, mass sleepovers etc.

Their house and garden were a mess - I do remember thinking that. But not in a judgemental way, it was just a fact. And now when I look back to those times I have so many happy memories of spending time at their house and how much more warm and welcoming it was than my own, where my parents didn't let us jump on the sofa or wear shoes.

Keep doing what you're doing, you sound great.

SparklyJules · 04/01/2011 16:04

You sound like the sort of mother I prayed for! I too grew up in a show house, no friends allowed in house, it was bloody boring.

My DD's friend did once walk into our playroom and exclaim "its a mess in here" and I felt a bit embarrassed but I got over it watching her and DD enjoying themselves in said messy playroom.

Carry on with your house being the lovely open welcoming place it is - if it wasn't for having my cousins nearby with a similar house to yours I would have died of boredom as a child!

Timbachick · 04/01/2011 16:25

Have huge virtual hugs.

Houses like yours are wonderful. They are welcoming, warm, friendly and fun.

Try not to pay attention to a flippant comment. Maybe your house is a bit messy in comparison to theirs but yours is the house that the friends want to come to, to stay in, eat at and be part of.

Remember that and be proud of what you have achieved - 4 fab DCs whose friends want to be part of your household.

SecretNutellaFix · 04/01/2011 16:32

If you hear him say it again point out that sue to all of your kids friends being over there a lot, of course their own homes are going to be tidy- they're all messing your own up!

Seriously- I think you sound like you have a proper home. I like homes where you don't have to search for a coaster to put a cold drink down on a table or where you feel that you are making it dirty by just being in the room.

schroeder · 04/01/2011 16:36

Messy is subjective anyway. My sf used to say I'd made a mess if I left my book and glasses on the coffee table.

JustKeepSwimming · 04/01/2011 16:38

Agree with everyone else, yours is the house I aspire to as a Mum :)

As my DC grow up I really want them to feel able to bring friends round whenever - though my lack of cooking skills may impact on that, lol!

I already have started some of this i think by having DS1's friends round here lots, other Mums may tut to themselves (i don't know if they do or not btw) but then they can't bear us all coming round as it involves hours of tidying & cleaning beforehand

I never get it when they say, oh not mine, my house is a mess... well we are talking a bunch of 3/4year olds who are only going to make...a mess!

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 16:47

Your having an open welcoming house will pay off in years to come.

My DP is from a family with 6 kids, his parents never knew how many kids were coming to dinner, as friends were round all the time, and loads of kids stayed on the sofa.

DP and his brothers and sister are all very close to their parents now, and have memories of a wonderful, happy, loving childhood. They were as poor as church mice but nobody remembers having holes in their clothes, they remember the happiness.

So don't let a comment from a kid make you unhappy. You are creating a happy home for your children by welcoming all their friends.

HappyToBeYappy · 05/01/2011 10:34

Take it as a compliment. The friend clearly enjoys coming round your place; messy can mean "I can relax here without worrying I'm going to get shouted at for putting a mug in the wrong place". Some homes can be so tidy and clean that kids just don't want to spend time in them. Enjoy your house, enjoy your kids and your kids' friends: there's nothing like a houseful of kids - any age - really enjoying your home and company (so long as they give you some peace and space when you need it occasionally!) Yours sounds like a happy, fun, friendly kind of place to be.

Hullygully · 05/01/2011 10:39

Don't be so daft.

QuintMismatchedShadows · 05/01/2011 10:41

I know you did not enjoy living in a show home. I know the feeling, I lived in one. Toys restricted to MY room only.

But, do you think children actually enjoy mess, no boundaries, and no time to themselves?

What you look upon as relaxed, others might look upon as really stressful!

What you describe does not sound relaxing at all, but rather hectic and totally manic?

I am not criticising your way of life, but children dont need to socialize ALL THE TIME, and they for sure do not need sleepovers every weekend just because you had none!

When is there every time to actually relax, and breathe in your house?

Dont you think that your home become less of a HOME when everyody can just walk in, eat, make a mess, and sleep over all the time? Do your family really need to incorporate a lot of strangers all the time?

I am sorry, but your homelife sounds like my worst nightmare and totally stressful. A mum who is so busy catering to all and sundry that they family live in a mess, is not happy and relaxed to me.

GaribaldiGirl · 05/01/2011 18:13

but doesn't she say that they DO have rules and tidy toys away (that sounds like boundaries to me) but because she works it isn't perfect and because they have 4 children stuff like the sofa is secondhand.

and they're not strangers visiting the house - they're friends.

personally i still think her home sounds lovely and relaxing. still, wouldn't it be boring if everyone was the same.

Original poster

slipperandpjsmum · 05/01/2011 19:49

Thank you so, so much to everyone who replied, you have all made me feel so much better, your warmth and empathy is so very reasurring.

To those of you who asked/suggested this young person lives in a very tidy home, you are right he does and I did not think of considering his comment as another way to say he was relaxed when visiting us.

Quint as this posting was the request for a little kindness when I was feeling upset I think your posting was a little harsh and to describe my home as your worst nightmare etc but as GaribaldiGirl said we are all different and the tone of your posting made me more certain than ever that how we live our life is right for us.

Once again to everyone else thank you from the bottom of my heart - now, everyone round to mine we have just baked cakes x x

OP posts:

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