what makes you a good Mum

[alfiesmadmother]

I have 4 amazing children who are turning out better than I could have dreamed-so far! But all their life I feel like I am muddling through. I am so loving but firm and do not tolerate certain behaviour. I always cook good food and am lucky to always be there. I feel I am a natural with children but not so great in the house apart from the cooking. I chooses my battles and don't sweat the small stuff. I have lots of books and read to them every day and we talk and hug a lot.

But I always feel I should and could be better. What can I do better to make me the best Mum possible, I feel in a whirlwind at times and although my children do get on and look out for one another I sometimes feel I am failing them because tere are so many of them. :-(

It sounds like you are doing a lovely job! But what you have written is quite similar to what I think I would say, and I have just 2. In my more rational moments I think that all the things you are already doing, including being there and being loving and being relaxed being with them, those are the things which are almost everything you need to do. Trying to completely perfect i.e. building in extra elements which don't come so naturally, or feeling that you should be doing this - that is likely to have a negative impact on the rest of what you do, making you more stressed, or tired, or anxious - so they will lose out in other areas.

After all, you are a lovely-if-flawed normal human being and your children are lucky and will most likey grow up to be happy and healthy and normal themselves with a loving mother like you.

On the constructive side, these are things I wish I did better:

• plan a few more of the activities we do together so our time together feels more interesting to all of us. I love the idea of a sort of loose 'curriculum' for our week or month - swmming here, craft there - but never get round to doing this
• plan ahead better so we could take public transport more often - we all think this is great fun
• make space to do cooking more slowly (!) so I could involve my DD (nearly 4) more without correcting her too much
• go to bed earlier myself so as to be more patient and less grumpy some days!
• make better use (planning again?!) of the time I have when I am alone with each child so we can do things then which are harder when both are around (DS is 19 mth)

Does this help?

What a lovely reply thank you!! I guess the thing could be to do what I am good and natural at as I do and rope in other people to do what I am not so good at! Yes your post does help!

Mother's guilt never leaves us does it? I have 3 dc under four. I find it hard to just maintain the house, e.g. washing/cooking/cleaning etc. and spend the majority of my time doing these tasks.

I wish I was more like you! You sound great. I do read, play and cuddle my dc as much as possible and accept that I do all I can. Sometimes I take time out for me, read and put cbeebies on for an hour. I always play a lot better after this! Sometimes I use this time to set up or clean away a craft/play session.

I am also in awe of Mothers of 4. Hats off - I could not have any more children. I feel I would snap! Did you struggle with 3 initially? (ds3 is 5 months) and we have been plagued by illness over the last 6 weeks which has really made the decision for me.

I think what makes mums brilliant is constantly questioning what we're doing and striving to do better...which is what you're doing.

You can't ever be a perfect mum - it's impossible and not helpful to childrne. They need to understand humanness.

I think I am a very good mum, but I have some aspects that stop me being as good a mum as I'd like to be, and I'm trying to deal with them.

Essentially, though, the most important things are that we love our children, and show them that demonstrably over and over and over again. Children can cope with pretty much anything as long as they know, without a doubt, that they're loved unconditionally.

The best thing is a sense of humour and not taking yourself too seriously!

Always listening is another important part. I think that you sound fine!