After everything still yearning for 3DC

[Natasha1]

Where do I start.......

I was pregnant at the beginning of the year....already have 2DC, always wanted a 3rd...had a bit of a bad time with 2ndDC...EMCS with bleed after..always been really scared of doing it all again but at the same time couldn't imgaine not having 3 DC.

I don't know what happended other than as each day went past my anxiety over having another baby and the birth just got worse and worse. When I got to 6 weeks I just lost the plot with anxiety....couldn't sleep or eat...lost half a stone in just over a week...I was a mess, crying all the time.

I could go on & on trying to explain myself but the outcome was at just over 7 weeks I had a medical termination.

Now the anxiety has gone I realise that maybe if I had seen someone at the time I might have just got through it and got the anxiety under control... I just acted in panic...I just can't understand what happened, I am normally a very sensible level headed person.

To make matters even worse the feeling of wanting another baby is still there...getting stonger every day..

How do I live with my decision, how do I move on...accept what I have done..I fully accept that by posting on here I will be judged and not nicely but maybe it is only what I deserve.

I had some counselling booked but I cancelled it as I can't see how I can sit in front of someone I don't know and admit what I have done.

I would hope noone here would judge you, you did what was right for you at the time, it was obviously a very difficult decision. I'm sorry you've had such a crap time recently.

You can request a copy of your maternity notes from the hospital that may help but I would also recommend you get some birth trauma counselling, you may be able to do this through the hospital where you had your baby, it certainly worked for me. There is also the birth trauma association that's worth a google and I think there is a birth trauma support thread on the childbirth board. Talking to a properly trained professional I think (in my uneducated opinion) is what you need, you don't need to tell everything on the first visit if you don't want to, just take it at your own pace, you should not be judged.