I want a large family but can't face pregnancy and birth again

[roseability]

I always wanted a large family (only child myself and not a great childhood), a house full of bustle, noise and laughter.

I now have two children, a four year old and a 16 month old. I do find it hard at times but I know I have room in my heart and my home for at least one more child. It is a child I want and not just a baby. Another person to nurture and love, another personality to enrich our family.

However I am scared to give birth again and what it would do to my body. I had two difficult births, the last one resulting in a third degree tear. I had to go to theatre and felt very scared when my blood pressure dropped due to the anaesthetic. I have big babies and at the end of both pregnancies felt exhausted and unwell. I lost a lot of blood after both births.

I don't want to sound melodramatic, I know there is nothing worse than competitive birth stories but this is my honest experience. I have lost faith in my body to do it again and I am worried about the damage it would cause (I still don't feel the same down below).

If someone could hand me my baby I wouldn't hesitate. My obstetrician told me I could deliver vaginally again but then she told me that after my first birth. I believed in my ability to do it so much I had my dd in water. It was magical lifting her out of the water onto my chest but I do remember the pain, a third degree tear with no pain relief. I often get flash backs to the pain and I have a high threshold.

I may get flamed for sounding so dramatic, but the reason I am posting here is I wonder what birth experiences those of you with larger families have had?

I have read many debates about reasons for and against more than two e.g. money, age, space, mental health etc. None of those worry me but pregnancy and birth do!

Adoption?

I had a slightly different story, it was the horrendous SPD pregnancy I couldn't cope with especially with other DC to look after. I debated it for ages but decided to go for no3 and no4. It was hell at the time but so worth it to have my beautiful DC.

What about an elective CS not an easy option I know but at least you would have some control, only a decision you can make

I think I'd be asking for an elective CS if I were you, certainly sounds like you need some counselling to come to terms with what you've been through.

Sorry, my response seemed flippant.

I've only been pregnant once, with twins. SPD, terrible morning sickness, then stillborn DTD1 and 32 week prem DTD2. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result.

I am now coming to terms with the idea that I've always wanted a big family, and trying to weigh p my fears of pregnancy against DH's wish to have more of his own children, rather than adopting (right now, we will adopt when DD is older).

I think probably a lot of people are in a similar position, afraid of pregnancy and birth. But then, isn't that what keeps the population down?!

ELCS might be the answer, I'm not sure. In my case, a lot of the PTSD flashbacks are about the c-section, so I'm just not sure.

sorry to hear that loopyloops, that you had such a traumatic pregnancy and birth.

I am adopted myself and unfortunately it hasn't been a good experience for me. That is not to say I am against it, I think it is a wonderful thing with the right parents and the right motives. I just know I wouldn't make a good adoptive parent with all my baggage.

I am slowly beginning to think I should stick at two.

Oh, I do feel for both of your in your different situations. No flaming allowed here...

You could go down the elcs route. If that's what you really want.

I had a similar conundrum to Sweetkitty. I had mega bad spd in pg3 and swore never again (dc3 was meant to be 3/4). However, now he's 3.5 I feel differently and we're trying for no4.

I too would recommend some counselling regardless of what you decide.

Buttonmoon - with spd you know you WILL get through it but at the time it's hard. Try to put in place steps to help you, family help, my DP used holidays and comprssed hrs to go down to 3 day weeks and used another 2 weeks holidays when I was really bad, cocodamol helped too.

He is worth it all of course but there will be no5 for sure.

That's the conclusion I've come to. SPD took me totally by surprise last time - I'd never heard of it! So although it started at about 13 wks - v mildly - as it had been 7 years since my last pg I just thought the whole thing must be worse than I remembered! Then at about 19wks I insisted that it was not normal and it took a good few weeks for a proper physio referral to come through.

This time I'll be much more assertive about what I need. And I'll be prepared for it.

Cocodamol was my friend, dihyrdrocodeine too

I had a completley horrendous pregnancy and delivery with DC2. Grade four placenta praevia, hemorraging and a lengthy stay in hospital. Her delivery was a 'crash' c- section as I had started to bleed again. ( I don't think 'emergency' sums it up- one minute I was bleeding, the next I was coming round from a general anaesthetic.)

Like you, I also felt completely traumatised by the whole experience.

But I had also hankered after a large family and took the plunge twice more. Despite being completely fearful throughout the pregnancies, both were textbook pregnancies and deliveries and with the last one I was home within hours.

I guess what I am trying to say is that each pregnancy and delivery is different. If it is the birth which is the worry, as others have said, I would consider an E/C.

As my mum said when I worried; the birth is just a day in your life. If you can take positive steps to prevent another truamatic experience and feel that you can cope with another child then I would just go for it.

I had a third degree tear with my DD1, who was big (and induced at 42 weeks). A doctor cheerfully said the next one's usually bigger you know, which was a little insensitive!

With DD2, I nagged and nagged to have her delivered early so she couldn't get huge. They didn't like it, but eventually they agreed to induce on the DD. She was a little smaller than DD1, and it was not a great delivery in some ways, but no third degree tear.

Then with DS, I developed high blood pressure. Not pregnancy-related and nothing scary, but he was born at 38 weeks and was little! Brilliant delivery, felt so in control.

With DD3, however, the hypertension caused real issues. I had to return to the UK at 14 weeks (medical care here turned out not to be good enough), was separated from DH and three small children, ill on medication and in hospital for 6 weeks (on and off) before her birth by EMCS at 34 weeks. My blood pressure was on some sort of fairground ride in theatre, it was up and down and all over the place - that was rather scary.

So I have my four lovely children, and I've now had the snip! Definitely never wanted to go through the pregnancy/birth thing again. The thought of making it impossible was what got me through the last pg at times!

So I would agree with the others who've said every pg is different and no matter how bad it is (barring complete nightmare), when it's over it's over and you have your new child.

(Obviously I didn't know what was going to happen in advance of pg4 - I wouldn't have ignored existing children's needs to satisfy a wish to have another.)

Sorry, I am really going on, but last thing: if you do go for it, think seriously about an ELCS - there are better reasons than too-posh-to-push and yours is one of them. Make sure you have growth scans, watch them carefully and decide near the time. Be prepared for your bp to go loopy (sorry to 2 ppl on this thread for taking your names in vain!). That way when it happens, it won't be so scary - you can hold your breath and ride it out...

I wish I had stopped at 2 DC, OP. Would have made a lot of things easier (my DC3 is the most difficult, lots of "challenging behaviour").
Does that make you feel better ?
Choosing which 2 of my 4 to keep would be tricky, though .

There is NO WAY I'd go thru childbirth again, though, and I supposedly had quite straightforward pregnancies and childbirths. But they were hard work and childbirth HURTS!!! I still think I was a maniac to put myself thru it more than once.

I'd think hard about fostering your situation, OP; you sound like you have a lot of love to give and heaven knows there are many children who need it.