Bar mitzvah - is this level of stress normal?

[cedartree2]

My son is a few months away from his bar mitzvah in a reform shul. He is basically cracking under the pressure and it’s severely affecting his ability to manage at school. He’s fairly academic, is pretty good at memorisation and is lucky to have a good singing voice, but the amount he has to learn and the amount he is told to practice is putting too much pressure on him. The cantor, tutor and extended family’s expectations are creating too much pressure. He’s very worried about making a mistake. I think the way it’s presented as such a big deal, with a dress rehearsal and everything, adds to the pressure. The stress seems to have sucked all the joy out of his life. Is this normal? Is it this stressful for most kids, but they just put up with it? Are the demands too much?

Here's something I told DS--a bar mitzvah is a moment. It's prayer, not performance. Whatever stress you are feeling, remind him that everyone is so proud of him and however it goes it will have all the meaning it should. One dad I know from our synagogue had his bar mitzvah in very hot weather and he was feeling very sick. He PUKED INTO THE TORAH (horror.) Still he grew up, went to law school and a very good career, got married and had kids. We survive these things. Sending love from Northern California.

Hi Cedar, I’m orthodox, so would be giving you a response from that perspective if that’s ok?

I have had two sons so far who have had their bar mitzva- one sang the whole portion, because he was comfortable to do so, and the other did just the first little bit, (12 verses), which was what was right for him (he has ASD). There was no pressure and he did what he wanted to do, and had he wanted to do more , or none, that would have been fine, and everyone made a huge fuss of him when he did it. He happens to love being the centre of attention, but reading was not something he found easy. I also have many brothers; some did the whole thing and some only did a tiny part, depended on what was right for them.

Reading from the Torah is a custom, not an obligation. Spuyten is right, it’s not a performance. If it’s stressing him out, and taking the joy out of his bar mitzva, in my opinion it’s worth a conversation with him about how much he wants to do, and then firmly manage expectations in the family about what he will do.

There is no minimum requirement. When my older two did theirs (Conservative/Masorti so the same for boy & girl) the tutors emphasised that yes, they would have to work, but it should not be a huge stress and they should only take on what they could. They prioritised things: First priority leyning Torah, second the Haftarah, third the rest of the Torah service. The important thing was to learn things properly, so it was better to do less but do it as well as possible. For DS with ASD and a severe stutter, we did not make him do a long aliyah, only the maftir, and he didn't give a long dvar torah. He also did not want a party so we only did shul kiddush (catered) and then family only in the evening.

Speak to the rabbi & tutor. You should be able to figure out a sensible amount for him to do.

I agree with the others in thinking it would genuinely be perfectly acceptable to reduce the amount he has to do if that will help him actually enjoy the build up and the day rather than dread it.

I grew up in a conservative shul and had massive expectations on me for my Bat Mitzvah - hours and hours of leading, 7 full aliyot, a haftorah, dvar torah... on and on. I grew up at the synagogue so it wasn't difficult, and I actually quite liked the attention!

I am now a member of a liberal congregation and am raising children in a more culturally Jewish way. My daughter is 12 and having her bat mitzvah in November and it's going to be very, very, very different. She's autistic and has anxiety and is finding everything about it to be way too much. I'm teaching her myself for a long list of reasons and we are focussing on learning 3 aliyot and a dvar torah. And if that is still not possible I will do the torah myself and she can write a haftorah and sing along with me. or something else that hasn't occurred to me.

My parents are still quite religious and even they have had to remind me that all Jewish children 'become' a Bar/Bat Mitzvah at 13 (or 12 obviously in some congregations) regardless of any sort of ceremony - they just reach the age. So anything is great, making it a positive experience is great, celebrating your child is great... it can look a lot of different ways.

For my daughter we are keeping the day very simple as she gets overwhelmed quickly. Ceremony with some sort of involvement, an easy (catered) buffet after, a break and then a ceilidh that evening with another easy (catered) finger food buffet with lots of her favourite foods. (We live in Scotland). She's a dancer so is going to create a performance for the evening so she can show off what she is most confident about. She can wear whatever she wants, invite whoever she wants etc.

Even with all this she's still finding it really, really stressful so we'll see what actually happens in the end but I feel strongly that your Rabbi should work with you and your child to ensure this is the start of a good relationship with Judaism as an adult - not something totally stressful that will make them walk away from it later on.

**write a 'dvar' torah. Obviously cannot write a haftorah - my brother will be chanting this as there's no chance my daughter will

Thank you for all your lovely and understanding responses! The bar mitzvah was six months ago now, but I found myself back on mumsnet so I thought I’d respond. On the day of the rehearsal, I found out the cantor had been taken to court a few times for workplace bullying and on the day of the bar mitzvah, he was rude to other people who couldn’t find their place in the Torah quickly enough. So it would seem the amount of stress he was creating wasn’t normal. To be honest, I’ve been going to that shul for 20 years and have never really liked it, but it’s where my husband’s family has always gone. We have talked about going somewhere else in future.

That's so sad, I hope it didn't ruin the day! Mazel Tov to you and your son.

My daughter had ENDLESS STRESS leading up to it, but the day itself was lovely and perfect. She did a brilliant job and I think the clear focus on a few core goals was really helpful. Just to encourage anyone else who comes across this in future.

I attended a wonderful Bar Mitvah at my Reform synagogue. The bar mitzvah boy was autistic, with communication difficulties. He chanted all the brachot - and if the words were unclear, the melody was not - and rested his hand upon his father’s holding the yad, while his father read the parasha. Same for the haftorah. He was engaged and focused, with the occasional glance at the congregation, just like any other bar mitzvah. And what a beaming grin afterwards. The boy was proud of his achievements, as were his parents, as were his community.

The bar or bat mitzvah takes their place in their community to the best of their ability. That’s what matters. Not performance and not perfection.

Mazel tov to our bnei mitzvah, and sh’koyech to their parents! (Been there, got the gray hairs - and the kvelling 😍)