Absolutely delight to attend Bar Mitzvah but no idea of protocol, please advise!

[doubleristretto]

My family is historically Jewish but I was raised by atheists and my religious education was limited to the occasional muttering about separate sinks and women segregated into the balcony 😬 I appreciate this is outdated and negative, just to say that's about the limit of my knowledge except from internet searches. I'm thrilled to be attending my first ever Bar Mitzvah this autumn in a North London synagogue, both the ceremony and the party on the following day. Please could you tell me everything? Do I take a present? I'm assuming smart but conservative for the Saturday and cocktail dress for the party? The family do keep kosher but I've definitely seen her in a miniskirt and there are no head coverings of any sort. Thank you so much for any help

What sort of synagogue? United (Orthodox), Masorti, Reform? My advice will be a bit different depending. (There's quite a few United Synagogue families who are not strictly observant)

Modern-orthodox?

Sorry, thank you for your help 🙌

If it’s modern orthodox for the Shabbat shul service you will need to keep shoulders covered and a skirt or dress rather than trousers. It doesn’t really matter if you don't cover your head as people who don't know you will not know whether or not you are married.

You can wear pretty much anything for the party. You will be expected to take a gift. You can ask if there is anything that the batmitzvah girl would like or if not a cheque/cash or gift card are always popular.

Thank you, that's really helpful. I will ask about the present.

Just to clarify - don't bring a gift to the synagogue, only to the party.

Enjoy!!

Thank you, I hadn't picked up on that. Very good intel 🙌🙌🙌

Also your skirt should come to the knees, not too short.

Thank you, that's good to know. Will it be at the end of a normal service like a christening or a separate service, like a wedding?

It'll be in the middle of a normal service, so it'll be a pretty long and boring morning 😅 Shabbat morning services are usually about two hours, although the ones at my old synagogue were sometimes closer to three 😏

At the end of the service there will be a 'kiddush' where you can help yourself to some food and drink - but wait until they have done the communal blessing for the food first. Basically, just do whatever everyone else does and you'll be fine. You'll probably also find that someone will be more than happy to talk you through it all on the day in return for your unabridged life story 😂

And just remember that no one except for you will care if you get something wrong. People will appreciate your curiosity and attempts at being respectful. It'll be fun!

Thank you! That's fabulous 🙌 I don't think any religious setting is the correct place for my unabridged life story 😳 🙉 😎

Don't eat the sweets. They're for throwing at the bar mitzvah boy!

😆 Thank you!

Don’t get there too early. The reading of the Torah won’t start before 10am or even later. I’ve seen non-Jewish friends get to services at the start as they didn’t realise they’d sit through the whole morning service before the ‘action’ part!

The shul service will be looooong and the BM boy and his family will say prayers throughout and family members given honors like opening the arc where the torah is kept or putting the cover back on the torah etc through the whole morning. I would say get there for 10.30am and no later than 11am.

The service usually finishes by 12.15pm (the Rabbi gives a sermon at the end so you'll know that's the end) and is followed by Kiddush (finger food like mini bagels etc) in the shul Hall. Remember for kiddush don't start eating until the Rabbi says the blessing for the food. Some people take food and hold it til the Rabbi arrives! I feel sorry for the guests at BMs who are not Jewish and start tucking in before they realise...as they haven't been told obviously!

If you're married you will need to cover your hair with a hat or fascinator In the service. Shoulders covered and skirt to knee. No rules about colours - wear what you like.

If you have a male partner they will need a head covering- kippa.
Obviously no phones etc as it is the sabbath and you won't be able to park at the Synagogue so plan where you will park and walk in.

Party - dress like as per the invite - cocktail dress or evening gown usually .

most parties now are more kid focused instead of a traditional sit down meal so a disco and a buffet meal and anything goes dress wise even smart jeans and trainers.

Gift - usually money - a cheque or cash in an envelope with the card and there is a ' post box' (usually a box with a lock on it) at the party venue to put the gift in.

Saying Mazal Tov to every family member and Well done to the BM boy for his reading is a good idea and aside from all the formalities a BM is basically a celebration and a time for happiness and rejoicing.

Have a wonderful time!

my religious education was limited to the occasional muttering about separate sinks and women segregated into the balcony 😬 I appreciate this is outdated and negative

Are segregated balconies outdated and negative?