Growing up in a family with holocaust survivors

[Mamabear04]

I was just wondering what other peoples experiences were? My Grandparents survived the holocaust but for the rest of their life suffered from PTSD and mental health problems that I can only put down to the trauma of what happened to them. They hardly spoke about what they went through and there are very few stories we know about what happened, just fragments really.

I watched a documentary about children of holocaust survivors and can definitely see traits in my DP and their siblings ie unable to fully connect emotionally/struggle with showing emotion etc. It makes me wonder now that I am a parent if I too am passing on traits that have unintentionally passed down albeit not as extreme.

Does anyone else have experience of this in their family? I would love to talk to DP about it but they are just unresponsive and matter of fact about it all every time I bring it up.

It’s so interesting yet so sad, isn’t it. I sort of know of it a bit. My grandfather escaped Berlin in 1939 with his parents. I believe his experiences screwed him up and it has had ramifications through the generations.

Actually, won’t say too much as I don’t want to derail, but I think the impact of trauma on future generations in a family seems to be under-researched. I know only too well how a murder many decades ago still has an enormous effect now.

Sorry this is a bit of a waffly answer, but I just really want to empathise and say that I get it.

there are some orgs for people like you, I know my dad belonged to one pre-internet.

Googe gives me this https://www.allgenerations.org/

Hi @Mamabear04
I am a second generation survivor of the Shoah with victims on both sides of my family. My father survived three camps but his sister, both parents and many other family members were murdered. My mother was lucky that she and her immediate family got out of Czechoslovakia before the invasion but others in her wider family were persecuted/enslaved/murdered.
You could try looking at groups like the Second Generation Network on FB or secondgeneration.org.uk/. There is also the Association of Jewish Refugees or the Holocaust Survivors Centre who may be of interest.
I definitely see signs of trauma both in myself and particularly my brother - the Shoah casts a long shadow.

One of my parents is a Survivor. That parent is undoubtedly resilient - they had to be to survive . But I'd say they are hyper-resilient and can never give themselves any downtime. Always driven to succeed, success being measured by security. Not particularly driven by possessions, unless they give the family security.

Totally unaware of the need for emotional security. Must Be Resilient! If any of us are anxious, they cannot understand or sympathise.

Hugely loving and very protective of us.

All four of my grandparents just managed to escape Europe before the Holocaust - from Poland, Hungary, Turkey and Greece. All of them displayed survivors' guilt in varying ways. The Shoah does indeed cast a long shadow.

Yes, I have definitely observed this in my own family. There was a sense of personal insecurity, a need to be surrounded by people somehow. Difficult to explain and put your finger on but it was there. I once wondered out loud to my DB why certain relatives - Jewish refugees from Germany - had always rented (long before the property boom!) and he said, "Isn't it obvious? In case they needed to leave." I felt so stupid - it had never occurred to me. None of my relatives who survived the Holocaust were in camps but they did lose relatives, including children and other close relatives. I don't think I appreciated until long after they were dead and I had my own children just how much they must have suffered.

I grew up abroad- very far abroad- and although none of my family were Holocaust survivors we knew plenty who were. I remember at Passover my friend's grandfather talking about the Holocaust for the first time in all the years I had known him. This is in the 1990s. He said that he always had a spare sandwich whenever he went out of the house just in case he was taken and needed food. Even in Passover, where of course you cannot have bread he had his cheese sandwich. he reached into his pocket and brought it out and showed us.

Oh @CloudyAgain , that's such a heartbreaking story

Thanks @Humdingerydoo . I've since learned that this is a really common theme among many Holocaust survivors. Many make sure they pack food with them wherever they go. Such a deep response to trauma.

I read a book when I was a student (several decades ago!) and I really wish I could remember the name. It was a collection of short stories, no idea if they were all by the same author or not. Anyway, one was about a boy in Israel whose parents were survivors of the camps. What I remember was how irritated he was by them and their rituals around food - chewing everything really thoroughly, being obsessed with not leaving anything. I can't even remember if it was any good or not, just that I remember it. Would love to re-read if this happens to ring any bells with anyone. It was @CloudyAgain 's post that made me think of it.

I remember whenever my Grandad ate with us he would put his head down and eat as fast as he could without engaging in conversation.

I guess I ask the question more to do with the emotional aspect of those who survived the camps. For instance my DP is not really able to engage emotionally and views everything mainly from a matter of fact point of view. Even when I told them I was pregnant with their first grandchild, DP stood up and left the dinner table and made themselves busy for a few minutes before they could process the big emotion and joy of being a Grandparent. I've noticed they have a similar type of reaction to other things as well, for instance when my sibling was toying with the idea of moving away to the other side of the world, DP held it all inside until it exploded one night after too much wine. I guess I am worried as a parent that it could be something to do with why I can only stomach a portion of big emotions from my children and then I feel overwhelmed and in my head I feel like I just want them to be able to pull it together even though I know that's not the correct response and that they are just young children (and try very hard not to show it to them). Maybe I am rambling and should go to bed...

I can relate to so much of what you're saying, so you're not alone in how you're feeling and what you're thinking. I don't have any answers for you though, just wanted to say that you're not alone.

The one thing to bear in mind though, I guess, is that you're aware of the issue and it's therefore in your power to make any changes you feel are necessary and will benefit your children. Would it be worth finding some kind of therapist to help you figure out how to implement these changes and talk through your thinking behind them?

For instance my DP is not really able to engage emotionally and views everything mainly from a matter of fact point of view. Even when I told them I was pregnant with their first grandchild, DP stood up and left the dinner table and made themselves busy for a few minutes before they could process the big emotion and joy of being a Grandparent.

This is exactly what happened to me! I don't know anybody else whose parent responded this way. At first I thought perhaps they were angry or disappointed, and trying to hide it from me. The rest of us made quiet conversation, trying to pretend that one of us had not silently walked out on a moment of longed-for joy. They returned with a bottle of champagne, and their happiness for us appeared to be entirely honest.