DH feeling alienated in synagogue

[Echobelly]

We went to synagogue this morning for the first time since everything has happened in Israel (we usually go every few weeks) and my husband had been getting very stressed about this, worried that the rabbis or other people would say things that would make him angry, given how angry he is at Israel. I'm also furious at Israel but better at keeping my feelings in check in front of other people. I thought he was probably being over the top, as we're probably about the most Lefty synagogue you can imagine and there was very unlikely to be any jingoistic vibes or anything but a wish for peace and justice for all.

Nothing gratuitous was said, but where he'd usually hang around a long time chatting after kiddush, he wanted to go straight home and he said he felt profoundly alienated and that he wanted to go off the rota for roles in the service. He felt that he couldn't talk to anyone in case anyone said anything infuriating and though I said that was pretty unlikely in our synagogue, he said well he doesn't know who will and who won't.

I mean, these are his feelings, I know I can't do anything about it, but I think he is overthinking it. I think it doesn't help that right at the start he had a furious row, mostly with his dad but a bit with some other relatives and I think it's made him super-sensitive about it.

It's sad because we're 11 months away from our son's bar mitzvah and it looks like I might be taking him there without DH a lot of the time now because of this.

Did anyone actually say or do anything to alienate him? It sounds like he's actually alienating himself, so I think you're right that he's overthinking it. I think we're all feeling a lot of very complex emotions just now (I certainly am as a lefty Jew) so I'd be tempted to give him some leeway.

Why is he furious "at" Israel? He should be furious FOR Israel and the carnage Hamas has wrought.

@PurpleChrayne I genuinely never realised we had to pick a side! So thanks for pointing that out.

Also I can't speak for OP or her husband, but I've just watched a maniacal Netanyahu give what can only be described as a completely deluded and heartless speech and I for one am furious too. He does not give one flying fuck about the hostages.

@PurpleChrayne - to be honest that sort of reply is exactly how this issue started in a sense. Of course every Jew (unless they're one of those Neturai Karta flag-burning nutters) is angry and disgusted at Hamas, that utterly goes without saying. Or it should.

But when DH expressed frustration about the probable reaction to things on social media he was accused by a family member of supporting Hamas, which was a fatuous reaction and unhelpful. So that was the thing someone said that upset him @etmoietmoietmoi , although it wasn't at shul.

Also, I discovered today that an early thing that irked him was the shul sent two emails with the title 'Standing with Israel' - now I get that phrase being a bit teeth-grindy as it's often used by right-wing, hawkish reactionary types. Now, DH does very occasionally have a habit, when it's something he has strong feelings about, of drawing a conclusion on scant evidence and running with it and getting upset/angry, but then once you explain the full evidence he will calm down and put it in context.

I hadn't actually read these emails and I looked at them this evening after he mentioned them - I suspect he hasn't read them either. The content is entirely about supporting victims, their families, hostages and their families and hoping for a peaceful solution and remembering that the Palestinians are victims too. It's not some demand that everyone stand by the Israeli government's decisions come what may or that we have any kind of 'duty' to Israel. I'm wondering if it may help him to actually read them, and see the shul is not pushing that line.

Brief update on this that DH did manage to have a talk with rabbi today and he's feeling a bit better about things. The rabbi's feeling is the overwhelming mood of the congregation is towards peace and reconciliation, which is as I would expect. But it sounds like, as I would also expect, he has to tread a tricky path or trying not to alienate anyone in a large congregation where there will inevitably be a spread of opinions.